The Russian Masters: Works by Dostoevsky, Chekhov, Tolstoy, Pushkin, Gogol, Turgenev and More. Максим Горький

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      Fool! (He yawns and crosses himself) Oh, Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on us sinners! What was it I was dreaming about just now?

      LIPA

      I don't know.

      YEGOR

      Who asked you? You stupid, how could you tell what I was dreaming?

       You've got brains, haven't you?

      PELAGUEYA (handing him cider)

      There.

      YEGOR

      There. Put it down and don't "there" me. (Takes the jug and drinks) What was I talking about? (Pelagueya finishes scrubbing the floor) Oh yes, about the Father Superior. A smart fellow he is. You'll have to go a long way to find another like him. He had the old coffin exchanged for a new one. The pilgrims chewed the old one to pieces, so he put a new one in its place. He put a new one in place of the old one. They'll chew this, one to pieces too, the fools! Anything you give them, the fools! Do you hear or don't you?

      LIPA

      I hear. What's so remarkable about it? A swindle, that's all.

      YEGOR

      What's remarkable about it is that, he didn't ask your advice. They chewed the old one to pieces, so he put a new one in its place exactly like it; Yes, just exactly like the one in which the saint lay before. Remember us in heaven where thou dwellest, O Saint! (He crosses himself and yawns) You can lose your teeth on this one too. They chewed the old one to pieces completely. Where are you off to? Sit down!

      LIPA

      I can't, it's so hot in here.

      YEGOR

      But I can. Sit down, you won't melt. (Pause) They chewed up the old one, so he put up a new one. Where is Savva?

      PELAGUEYA

      He's playing; jackstones with the children.

      YEGOR

      I'm not asking you. What time is it?

      PELAGUEYA

      It just struck two.

      YEGOR

      Tell him I'll turn him out. I won't stand it.

      LIPA

      Stand what? Be reasonable.

      YEGOR

      I won't stand it. Who is he anyway? Never at home in time for dinner. He comes and feeds like a dog by himself—knocks about at night and doesn't lock the gate. I went out yesterday and found the gate wide open. If we are robbed, who'll pay for it?

      LIPA

      There are no thieves here. What thieves have you ever seen in this place?

      YEGOR

      What thieves? A lot. When all people are asleep, he is knocking about.

       Who ever heard of such a thing?

      LIPA

      But if he doesn't want to sleep, what is he to do?

      YEGOR

      What, you too? He doesn't want to? Let him go to bed, and he'll sleep. No one wants to sleep, but once you lie down you fall asleep. He doesn't want to? I know him. Who asked him to come? He was making bank-notes over there—then why didn't he stay where he was and do what he pleased? What business has he here?

      LIPA

      What bank-notes?

      YEGOR

      What bank-notes? Not real ones. Nothing is done to you for making real bank-notes. Counterfeit bank-notes, that's what. Not the sort of thing you get patted on the head for, when you are caught, no sirree! It's very strict now. I'll go to the police captain and tell him: "It's like this—just search him."

      LIPA

      Oh, nonsense.

      PELAGUEYA

      You are the only, one who doesn't know it. Everybody else knows it.

      LIPA

      Oh, Lord!

      YEGOR

      Well, about the Lord we know better than you. You needn't appeal to Him. I want you to tell Savva that I am not afraid of him. He didn't strike the right person. I'll just make him skip. I'll turn him out. Let him go where he came from. The idea of my having to be responsible for his robberies. Who's ever heard of such a thing?

      LIPA

      You are not quite wide awake, father, that's what's the matter with you.

      YEGOR

      I am wide awake all right, and have been for a long time. What I'd like to know is, are you wide awake? Look out, Lipa, don't let it happen to you too.

      LIPA

      What?

      YEGOR

      It. (He yawns and crosses himself) If mother were to rise from her grave now and see her children, she would be delighted. Fine children, she would say. I have nursed you, and brought you up, and what's the result? Regular good-for-nothing scamps. Tony'll soon begin to drink again. I can see it on his face. Who's ever heard of such a thing? People will soon be coming here for the feast-day, and I'll have to work alone for the whole bunch. Polya, hand me that match from the floor—there. No, not there, you blind goose. There, you stupid.

      PELAGUEYA (hunting for the match)

      I don't see it.

      YEGOR

      I'll take you by the back of your neck and give you such a shaking that you'll see mighty quick. There it is, damn you!

      LIPA (faint)

      Oh, God, what a blistering heat!

      YEGOR

      There it is. Where are you crawling? Under the chair. There, damn you!

      SAVVA (enters gayly, the pocket of his blouse full of jackstones) I won six pair.

      YEGOR

      Well, the idea!

      SAVVA

      I finished that rascal Misha, cleared him all up. What are you mumbling about there?

      YEGOR

      Nothing. Only I wish you'd address me a little more politely.

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