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СКАЧАТЬ stands in the front doorway. She’s leaning on the frame, her arms crossed in front of her, a big smile on her face.

      ‘Do you need help, Brad?’ she calls out. He doesn’t reply. There’s clattering coming from the garage and I doubt he can hear her. She shrugs. ‘I guess not.’ She smiles at me.

      But there’s something, just at the back of her eyes, that I can see. I look away. Out here, I’m safe. Just by being here, my dad protects me.

      He appears from the garage. ‘Sorry, pumpkin. Took me ages to find the pump.’

      ‘That’s fine,’ I say. His front wheel looks a bit wonky.

      ‘Are you sure you’re all right on that?’ Kathleen asks.

      ‘It’s straight out of the showroom, this beauty,’ my dad says, slapping the frayed seat and laughing loud enough for the birds to hear. ‘Ready, June?’

      ‘Yup.’ I begin to put my foot on the pedal, when I see her out of the corner of my eye, coming closer.

      ‘No going too fast,’ Kathleen says. She hugs me and kisses the top of my head. ‘Look after each other.’

      ‘We will,’ my dad calls as he wobbles off down the road. I go after him quickly and I don’t look back.

      My bicycle makes me free. The wind pushes against my cheeks and arms. My legs pedal round and round and round and I’m so happy I could fly.

      ‘You’re all mine,’ I whisper to my bike. The whirr of its wheels calls back to me. It loves me too.

      The road disappears beneath my feet, taking me further away from her. I want to call to the clouds, shout out to the sky.

      I watch my dad not far ahead. He’s hunched over, looking forward. He’s my dad and he gave me this bike and I love him love him love him.

      His T-shirt moves slightly in the wind.

       Today, I’ll tell him. Today, I’ll tell him everything.

      He turns off to the left, towards the towpath. My heart squeezes cold and I want to stop.

      ‘Not this way,’ I say, but I’m not loud enough for him to hear.

      It’s bumpy under our wheels. I can see the river in the distance, a thick line of black. I never admit to him how much I don’t like coming here.

      He looks back briefly and tries to put his thumb up, but it makes him wobble, so he carries on looking straight ahead.

      The water is here and my dad follows the path, so that the river runs along the side of us. I won’t look at it. I won’t hear it. I’ll see only his wheels going round and round. If I go slightly to the side, I can see the spokes spinning so fast that they almost disappear.

      I know we’re not far.

      I see it in the distance and suddenly I can’t and won’t take my eyes away.

       I love you, Mom.

      I hadn’t meant to cry today. It’s difficult to see, but I can’t wipe my eyes without the bike toppling.

      The little wooden statue of a heron, stuck tight into the grass, looks out, motionless, over the water. I can see the flowers that Dad and I tucked next to it.

      My fingers pull the brakes and my bike slows until I’m right next to my mom’s heron.

      Up ahead, I hear my dad stop. The path crunches louder as he makes his way back. I look up at him.

      ‘Our flowers are dying,’ I tell him. The petals are curling, their colours fading.

      ‘They’ve been here a week,’ he says.

      ‘I wanted them to last longer.’ They were for my mom, three different bunches, for each of the years without her.

      My dad leans over to try to hug me, but our bikes make it awkward and his arms are heavy.

      I won’t look at the water.

      ‘Shall we keep going?’ my dad asks. He’s sad and this was our happy day. I nod, even though I want to stay here, with my mom’s heron staring out, looking for her.

      He begins to pedal slowly away and I stay close behind him.

      ‘Shall we go to the High Point?’ he calls over his shoulder.

      ‘Yes,’ I shout back.

      It’s not far to bike and the bottom of the hill is close to the path.

      ‘There’s no way I’m biking up that,’ my dad laughs. It stretches green and steep, the war monument perched proudly on the top. ‘But I’ll race you!’ And he’s off, way ahead of me.

      ‘That’s cheating.’ I put my bike down gently next to his and I’m running like a leopard. I’m getting closer to him. My legs ache and my breathing burns, but I love it. I push myself faster, but he gets there first. He’s lying on his back, his tummy going up and down so quickly.

      I fall down next to him.

      ‘You need to get fit,’ he laughs. ‘Less eating so much party food and more exercise.’

      I hold my breath.

      The thought of chocolate cake creeps up my throat.

      ‘I’m glad your friends came round though,’ my dad says. He stretches out on his side and leans his head on the triangle of his arm. ‘So it’s getting easier, is it?’

      I look down at the grass. I pick a blade and another. Picking them and just throwing them away.

      ‘It’s not going to change overnight, honey, but having a few friends round for your birthday is a start.’

      Tell him. There were no friends. It’s all a lie. But my head can’t seem to start the words.

      ‘Kath tried so hard to make it good for you.’ He sweeps his palm gently across the top of the grass. ‘We’re lucky to have her, aren’t we?’ When he looks at me, I know I can’t say it. He’s got a happiness in his eyes that was burnt out when Mom died. ‘I don’t know what I’d do without her.’

      ‘I wish I had skin your colour,’ I say. I don’t know why that suddenly comes out now. And it’s sort of not true. Not all the time, in any case. I got my skin from my mom and I want to keep it.

      ‘Oh, honey.’ He puts his arm out for me and I curl into him and suddenly I feel so safe. I want to stay lying like this forever, where no one can touch me, no one can hurt me. ‘Have other kids been saying things again?’ I don’t move. I don’t nod, or shake my head. Nothing. ‘I know it’s hard, but you’ve just got to ignore them. You’re a beautiful little girl. Every part of you – your brown skin, your big smile, your eyes like perfect chocolate buttons that I want to eat every time I look at you.’

      He pretends to eat my cheek, but it tickles and I squirm away.

СКАЧАТЬ