Paper Butterflies. Lisa Heathfield

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СКАЧАТЬ I nod my head, over and over. ‘Can I touch it?’

      My dad laughs. ‘Of course you can – it’s yours.’

      It’s mine. It’s really mine.

      I trace my fingers over the handlebars, down its cold frame and across the seat.

      ‘It’s got a bell,’ Megan says excitedly.

      ‘Yes,’ I say.

      ‘Well, you haven’t got time to try it now,’ my dad says. ‘But I promise I’ll take you out on it tomorrow.’ He leans over to kiss Kathleen. ‘I’ve got to go.’

      I follow him to the front door and try to hold on to his hand as he puts on his coat.

      ‘Save me some cake from your birthday tea,’ he smiles. He picks me up and holds me, my feet hanging not far from the ground. ‘Your mom’d be so proud of you,’ he whispers into my hair.

      Then he puts me down, quickly picks up his bag and is out of the door before he can hear my reply.

      ‘Thank you for my bike,’ I say quietly, and I imagine him smiling back.

      ‘Was it you?’ the bus driver asks when I step on. I look around and pretend that he’s not talking to me. ‘You decided to use my bus as a toilet?’

      I shake my head.

       You were going to save me. You were going to drive me away and I’d live with you and your wife.

      ‘It was you.’ Lauren pokes me as I carry on walking. ‘You’ve got underpants as stinky and wet as a fish.’ All around me, people pop their mouths open and closed like a million stranded fishes.

      When I sit down, the boy next to me gets up, pushes past me and is gone.

      I try to think of my new bike, sitting waiting for me at home. In my mind, it glows. And my dad is going to take me out on it tomorrow, just me and him.

      ‘No one likes you,’ the voice hisses from the gap in the seats behind me. I recognise it straight away. It’s Megan. I hear Anne giggle next to her.

      I move along, so that I’m sitting next to the window. Outside, I look at the fields, blurring by in a patchwork. I’ll get on my bike and ride so far until I get so lost that I can’t find my way home.

      ‘Everyone hates you.’

      But I won’t be scared. I’ll be happy. And then my dad, who’s been looking for me, will drive past me and stop.

      I’ve changed my mind, he’ll say. Three years is enough time to live with Kathleen and Megan and now I want it to be just you and me. I’ve bought a new house. It’ll be just us. He’ll put my new bike in the back and we’ll drive and drive until no one else can find us.

      ‘You’d be better off dead,’ Megan says.

      We all sit cross-legged on the carpet.

      ‘So,’ Miss Hawthorne says, ‘we have a birthday today.’

      I feel the blood rushing up my cheeks as she smiles at me. I wish she didn’t know. She thinks that she’s being nice, but I don’t want to do this.

      ‘Come up to the front, June.’ She pats the empty chair beside her.

      She doesn’t hear the air-popping noises that have started again. I stand up awkwardly, step over the knees of those sitting in front of me.

      ‘Now, remember, don’t sit down on it,’ Miss Hawthorne says. ‘This is the one day that you’re allowed to stand on a school chair. Make the most of it.’

      I step on to the wooden seat. I’m worried that the people in the front can see up my skirt, so I smooth it down with my hands and keep them clasped there.

      ‘Fishy,’ I hear someone hiss.

      ‘Right. On three,’ Miss Hawthorne says. ‘One, two, three.’

      And they’re singing, all their faces tipped up towards me. Ryan moves his hand, as though it’s swimming through water, so subtly that Miss Hawthorne would never know. Stuart looks like he’s singing, but he’s not. His wet lips are just smacking open and closed in a circle, like a dying fish. But all Miss Hawthorne can hear is the sound of their voices, making my day special.

      I don’t want them looking at me. I don’t want any of them looking at me.

      As soon as they finish, I get down from the chair and hurry back to my place on the carpet, willing a tornado to suddenly break through the sky and whisk us all away.

      ‘What did you get for your birthday?’ Jennifer asks. We’re sitting on a wall, safely away in the corner of the playground. Our legs swing down, sandwiches balanced on our laps.

      ‘A bike,’ I tell her. I’m so proud. I just want to get home so I can see it. Even if Kathleen will be waiting.

      ‘Lucky you.’ Her red eyes widen, as she pushes a strand of her snow-white hair from her lips. ‘What’s it like?’

      ‘It’s pink.’ I take a bite from my sandwich. The tuna paste is sticky on the bread. ‘It’s beautiful,’ I say, my mouth full.

      ‘I only got a watch when I was ten.’

      ‘That’s nice too,’ I tell her, but she just shrugs.

      There are two of them, working their way over towards us. Two girls from the year below, their hair in identical bunches on their heads. They look behind them briefly, but keep walking.

      Jennifer stares at them as they stand in front of us. I’ve never spoken to them before and I don’t know what they want. I pick at a piece of bread that’s stuck at the top of my mouth.

      ‘We’ve got you a birthday present,’ the blonde one says. She’s smiling, as though she means it. But this feels wrong.

      The smaller one thrusts a paper napkin towards me. There’s something wrapped inside.

      ‘Thank you,’ I say, although my breath feels heavy. I don’t want to look up to see who’s watching. I’m going to just play along with their game, so they can’t beat me.

      I hold my head high as I peel back the napkin. One of the girls screams and they both run away.

      The goldfish is lying dead. The perfect circle of its eye stares up towards the sky. Its tiny mouth is open in a desperate pout.

      They killed it, just for me.

      ‘Fishy!’ The shout stumbles across the playground. I knew Ryan had been behind it. I won’t look up. Instead, I wrap the dead fish back up and put it gently in my bag.

      Miss Hawthorne is standing by the door and she stops me when I go in.

      ‘June, I need a quick word.’ I wait outside the classroom as she settles everyone down. The walls of the corridor are very white, as if I’m in a tube of light.

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