Natboff! One Million Years of Stupidity. Andy Stanton

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      Gently, Cobwep tucked the child into bed and kissed her goodnight. Princess Snowflake fell asleep with a smile on her face and this time, when she saw the Gypsy King in her dream, he shrank back and cried, ‘What! You have protected yourself with the thing I am most afraid of in the world! I hate you, you’re stupid!’ And he disappeared beneath the flames.

      When the witches came back the next evening, they didn’t even have to bother coming up with another verse, for the chamber door was open to receive them.

      ‘We have returned to help you, as we said we would,’ said Cobwep.

      ‘Thank you, Grandmother,’ said Princess Snowflake. (It didn’t mean that Cobwep was actually her real grandmother, it is just what children always call old women in fairy tales, no one knows why.) ‘Can you ever forgive me for being so awful?’

      ‘Of course, child,’ said Cobwep. ‘For we only want to see you happy.’

      ‘Then will you . . . Will you help me get Gooseberry back?’ asked Princess Snowflake. ‘I am so lonely without him.’

      ‘We shall do what we can,’ said Cobwep. ‘But getting him back will not be easy. You must travel to the Realm of the Gypsy King, and you must travel alone. Are you ready to make the journey?’

      ‘I am,’ replied Princess Snowflake.

      ‘Then I shall tell you the way,’ said Cobwep, her face wavering in the candlelight like an old flannel. ‘You must go into the gardens at midnight, child, when the moon is fat and full.’

      ‘OK,’ said Princess Snowflake.

      ‘And you must stick your tongue out, and you must eat the first snowflake that lands on your tongue,’ said Cobwep.

      ‘OK,’ said Princess Snowflake.

      ‘And then,’ said Cobwep, ‘you must stick your tongue out a second time, and you must eat the next snowflake that lands on your tongue.’

      ‘OK,’ said Princess Snowflake.

      ‘And then,’ said Cobwep, ‘you must stick your tongue out a third time, and you must eat one last snowflake.’

      ‘OK,’ said Princess Snowflake.

      ‘And then,’ said Cobwep, ‘you must go up to the fir tree, child, the one that stands in the very middle of the gardens, where all the paths meet. And you must eat it.’

      ‘OK,’ said Princess Snowflake, ‘that’s – no, sorry, actually, hold on a minute. What do you mean?’

      ‘Just what I say,’ said Cobwep. ‘You go up to the fir tree, you open your mouth and you eat it.’

      ‘Let me get this straight,’ said Princess Snowflake. ‘You want me to eat a fir tree?’

      ‘Yes,’ said all the witches together.

      ‘An entire fir tree?’

      ‘Yes,’ said the witches.

      ‘Can you do a spell to make it easier, Grandmother?’ said Princess Snowflake. ‘I mean, I actually know the tree you’re talking about, it’s – there’s no way, I mean – it’s . . . Look, I’m not trying to be ungrateful but – it’s, really, it’s just – honestly, there’s just no way.’

      ‘Sorry, you’ll have to manage on your own,’ said Cobwep. ‘Anyway, we’ve got to go now, there’s another princess in trouble in Russia. She’s had her face stolen by ghosts.’

      ‘What, are you going to make her eat a fir tree too?’ shouted Princess Snowflake. ‘I can’t believe this is happening, seriously, what on earth are you all thinking.’

      ‘Bye bye, dearie,’ said the witches as they left to catch their aeroplane, which was an enormous broomstick driven by a cat. ‘You know what to do, good luck.’

      Princess Snowflake lay awake until it was midnight. Then, hardly daring to think about the task ahead, out she crept in her nightgown, into the moonlit gardens of the Winter Palace. The night was deathly quiet and the snow was falling soft and thick.

      Princess Snowflake stuck out her tongue and swallowed the first snowflake that landed upon it.

      Then she swallowed the second snowflake.

      Then she swallowed the third snowflake.

      Then she went up to the fir tree which stood in the middle of the gardens where all the paths met, and she started eating it.

      ‘This is a complete nightmare,’ sobbed Princess Snowflake as she sat there chewing on a mouthful of bark. ‘It’s going to take forever .’

      But each time she wanted to give up, she thought of Gooseberry’s innocent little face and she remembered how much the witches loved her and she told herself, ‘One more bite, just one more bite.’ So the hours passed, though every minute felt like a lifetime.

      One more bite, just one more bite . . . And as the night turned to morning and the sun was rising over the gardens, Princess Snowflake realised that the entire fir tree was gone. So it just goes to show: you can do anything if only you believe in yourself. You can win the Olympics. You can become a professor. You can even eat a fir tree. You probably shouldn’t eat a fir tree unless you’re a princess in a fairy tale. Or a monster. Or a really big woodpecker. But you can if you like. But you shouldn’t. But you can if you like. But don’t.

      As soon as Princess Snowflake had finished the last piece of bark, a glowing line appeared on the ground. Princess Snowflake took a deep breath and coughed up a few fir needles. Then, mustering all her courage, she stepped across the line and as she did so, the gardens of the Winter Palace disappeared and she found herself in the Realm of the Gypsy King. The earth beneath her feet was cracked and dry. A scorching wind blew. And there before her, standing on a black rock surrounded by a lake of fire, stood the Gypsy King himself.

      ‘So!’ laughed the Gypsy King. ‘You have made it to my Realm, I bet you had to eat a fir tree or something, didn’t you? But the rules of this place are not like your world, you fool! Come and get me now, if you dare! But if you cannot defeat me, you shall be trapped here forever! AHA AH AAH AAHAHAHA HAAH AHAA HAAHHAAHAH AHA AHAHA!’

      This time the Gypsy King went on laughing for nearly twelve hours, so I definitely won’t write it all out. Princess Snowflake waited patiently until the laughter was over and then she said, ‘Gypsy King, I care not for your atrocious lake of fire. For I have seen you in my dreams and now I know the thing you are most afraid of in the world.’

      And she held out her hands and stood there with her palms open and empty.

      ‘Oh, no,’ said the Gypsy King sarcastically. ‘Hands ! Oh, no! N . . . Not h-h-hands ! Oooh, no, I’m terrified, oh no, oh, no! Oh, no! The hands are going to get me, oh, no! Not the hands !’

      ‘Oh, СКАЧАТЬ