Natboff! One Million Years of Stupidity. Andy Stanton

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СКАЧАТЬ ANT!

      ‘MITY SPIDA!

      ‘MITY LEEF!’

      ‘FRENDS NOT LOOK SO MITY,’ say Natboff. ‘NATBOFF THURT WOLF’S FRENDS BE MITY BEAR! MITY MAMMOF! MITY SABE-TOOTH TIGGER!’

      ‘SORY,’ say Wolf. ‘WOLF NOT KNO THOSE GUYS. WOLF ONLY KNO MITY ANT! MITY SPIDA! MITY LEEF!’

      ‘ME CAN DO THIRTY PRES-UPS,’ say Mity Leef.

      ‘OK,’ say Natboff. ‘IT HAV TO DO. WAT THE PLAN?’

      ‘CHUNKA LIV IN FORESS WIV SALLY NOW,’ say Mity Spida. ‘SO WE GOT TO GO TO FORESS. THEN WE SNEEK UP ON CHUNKA.’

      ‘IS GUD START TO PLAN,’ say Natboff. ‘BUT WAT NEX?’

      ‘MITY ANT JUMP ON CHUNKA LEGG AN LICK HIM,’ say Mity Spida. ‘THEN MITY SPIDA (THAT ME) TIKLE CHUNKA FOOT. THEN WOLF BITE OFF CHUNKA FACE. NATBOFF GET SALLY BACK, EESY PEESY LEMMO SQUEE!’

      ‘MITY SPIDA GUD AT PLAN!’ say Natboff. ‘MABBE THIS WURK AFTEH AL. BUT WAT ABOU MITY LEEF? EVERWUN ELSE DO STUF IN PLAN BUT MITY LEEF DO NUTHIN.’

      ‘ME DO PRES-UPS TO DISTRAC CHUNKA,’ say Mity Leef, flexig mussels.

      ‘IT GUDDEST PLAN OF AL TIMM!’ say Wolf. ‘LET DO DISCO TO SELEBRAT.’

      Natboff, Wolf, Mity Ant, Mity Spida an Mity Leef do disco.

      Gess hoo besst at disco dancc? Mity Ant.

      Mity Ant win disco prize!

      ‘DISCO FUN,’ say Natboff. ‘BUT NOW IT TIMM FOR PUT PLAN INTO ACSHUN. WICH WAY FORESS?’

      Mity Leef step forwar.

      ‘ME WAS BORN IN FORESS,’ say Mity Leef, ‘SO ME KNO EXAC WHER IT IS. FOLLO LEEF!’

      ‘NATBOFF HAD DOUTS ABOU MITY LEEF TO BEGIN WIV,’ say Natboff, ‘BUT NOW HE GROWIG ON ME.’

      ‘HA HA,’ say Mity Ant. ‘NATBOFF MAKK BIG FUNNEH!’

      ‘DISCO TO SELEBRAT?’ say Wolf hopfully.

      ‘MABBE LATEH,’ say Natboff.

      AL WOLF WANT TO DO IS DISCO, thinnk Natboff. ME GETTIG PRETY SICK OF WOLF. BUT ME NOT TELL WOLF OUT LOUD BECOS WOLF NATBOFF FREND, AN ME NOT WANT TO HURT WOLF FEELIG .

      (Natboff mite be cavma but Natboff a sensitif sort of fello.)

      Anyweh. Afteh al this, Natboff an gang set off wiv Mity Leef leedig way. Evencherlee com to foress.

      Gess hoo in middel of foress tryig to makk baby cavmas? It Chunka an Sally, jus as Natboff susspecced!

      ‘YOU GUYS HIDDE IN BUSH,’ say Natboff to anima an plannt chums. ‘NATBOFF GONNA DO IT CRAFTY STILE!’

      Natboff step forwar crafty stile to wher Chunka an Sally busy tryig to makk baby cavmas.

      ‘HEY CHUNKA, HEY SALLY,’ say Natboff.

      ‘HEY NATBOFF,’ say Chunka. ‘GO AWAY, WE IN THE MIDDEL OF STUF.’

      ‘NATBOFF NOT COM AL THIS WAY TO BE TALK TO LIKK THAT,’ say Natboff. ‘NATBOFF COM TO GET SALLY BAK.’

      ‘O YEAH?’ say Chunka. ‘HOW NATBOFF GONNA DO THAT? CHUNKA SO BIG AN HARY, NATBOFF GOT NO CHANSE.’

      ‘NATBOFF GOT CHUMS,’ say Natboff.

      Natboff giv the secre comman.

      Imedialy Mity Leef jump out of bush an do pres-ups.

      Chunka can harly beleev eyes!

      Wile Chunka distracced by Mity Leef, Mity Ant jump out an lick Chunka legg!

      Wile Chunka try to cope wiv that, Mity Spida run up an tikle Chunka foot!

      ‘WAT GOIN ON?’ say Chunka.

      Then Wolf jump out an bite off Chunka face!

      ‘OW!’ say Chunka face from insidde Wolf. ‘OK, OK, CHUNKA GIV IN! NATBOFF WIN.’

      ‘SALLY TOTALL SORY FOR GO OFF WIV CHUNKA BEFOR,’ say Sally. ‘SALLY TOTALL LOV NATBOFF AGEN NOW. NATBOFF NOT AS FAT AN HARY AS CHUNKA – BUT AT LEES NATBOFF GOT A FACE.’

      ‘DISCO TO SELEBRAT?’ say Wolf.

      ‘DEFINETT!’ say everwun.

      Hole gang do disco in foress. Chunka join in wiv disco too, even tho Chunka got no face. It horibel to watch, but gud try from Chunka.

      ‘CHUNKA NOT SUCH A BAD FELLO AFTEH AL,’ say Natboff.

      Lateh on Chunka get steped on by Wooly Mammof.

      Natboff an Sally bureh Chunka unerneef bush.

      Mity Spida dres up as holy prees an say prayer for Chunka.

      Everwun cry.

      But liff go on.

      Natboff an Sally makk baby cavma an gess wat they cal him?

      Chunka!

      ‘IT IN MEMORY OF BESST CAVMA HOO EVEH LIV,’ say Natboff, an everwun agree.

      ‘AL IN AL IT BEEN GUD DAY,’ say Mity Leef. ‘WE DONE BRILLIA AVENCHER. PLUS EVERWUN MADD NEW FRENDS!’

      ‘SALLY TOTALL LOV NATBOFF FOR AL TIMM,’ say Sally.

      ‘EVERWUN LOV NATBOFF,’ say everwun. (Even Natboff say it! Even baby Chunka say it!)

      ‘DISCO TO SELEBRAT?’ say Wolf.

      ‘BIGGES DEFINETT EVEH!’ say everwun.

       ENND

1115 BC

       THE MASSIVE GIANT AND THE FLEA

      Many hundreds of years ago, when Lamonic Bibber wasn’t even really a town yet, just a few huts and a warlock who lived on Boaster’s Hill turning turnips into balloons, there lived a massive giant. Now, this giant’s name was Gavin and he really was large. His head, right, his head was so big, right, his head was so big that, well, here’s the thing, right, his head was sooooo big that, OK, I hope you’re ready for this, his head was soooooo ENORMOUS, right, that OK, hold on, his head was sooooooooo massive that it was about the size, are you sure you’re ready for this, his head was sooooo vast that – well, to be honest, I don’t really know how big his head was.

      But СКАЧАТЬ