Natboff! One Million Years of Stupidity. Andy Stanton

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СКАЧАТЬ said the witch. ‘I have something important to tell you. You know the Winter Gardens, which lie beyond the palace walls? Well, they are very nice. But take heed, for a dreadful fellow lurks deep within those gardens, waiting to trap the unwary! It is the Gypsy King, and he is strong, with rippling muscles, and he wears hundreds of gold rings on his fingers, and he has proud boots. Beware the Gypsy King, child, beware the Gypsy King!’

      But Princess Snowflake only clapped her hands together, one, two, three!

      ‘Gypsy King?’ she laughed. ‘There’s no such thing as the Gypsy King! I don’t need your help, I don’t need anyone’s help!’

      And off she ran to explore the gardens, for they were her greatest joy.

      When Princess Snowflake was six years old, another of the kindly old witches took her aside.

      ‘Uh oh,’ said Princess Snowflake, ‘here we go again.’

      ‘Child,’ said the kindly old witch. ‘You know the Winter Gardens? Well, they are very nice. But from time to time they are visited by one who seeks to harm the unwary! Yes, it is the Gypsy King, and he is strong, with rippling muscles, and he wears hundreds of gold rings on his fingers, and he has proud boots.’

      But Princess Snowflake only clapped her hands together, one, two, three!

      ‘There’s no such thing as the Gypsy King!’ she laughed. ‘I don’t need your help, I don’t need anyone’s help!’

      And off she went to raid the kitchens for her favourite cakes – marzipan disobediences. She didn’t like how they tasted, she just liked the name. Princess Snowflake stuffed herself silly with marzipan disobedience cakes, and off she ran to explore the gardens once more.

      When Princess Snowflake was seven years old, another of the kindly old witches took her aside.

      ‘Child,’ said the kindly old witch. ‘You know the –’

      But Princess Snowflake only clapped her hands together, one, two, three!

      ‘Yeah, yeah, I’ve heard it all before,’ she said. ‘King of the Pixies or something, nasty bloke, don’t go near him, blah blah blah. I don’t need your help, I don’t need anyone’s help!’

      And off she ran to explore the gardens, slipping on the icy floor and almost colliding with a little hedgehog called Chomley.

      With each passing year Princess Snowflake grew more reckless, wandering further and further into the gardens to explore. The witches despaired, but there was nothing to be done and in the end, they gave up even trying to keep her indoors. ‘For she has a mind of her own, that girl,’ said one. ‘Which is fine, it’s just that sometimes it’s quite an annoying mind.’

      One day shortly after her eleventh birthday, Princess Snowflake was exploring a part of the gardens she hadn’t been in before, her faithful spaniel, Gooseberry, at her side. Merrily she skipped along, scoffing her marzipan disobediences, Chomley the hedgehog racing after her to guzzle up the scraps.

      Oh, how beautiful the gardens were! Waxy green holly bushes lined the pathways, so that it always felt like Christmas.Thick pines and fir trees rose all around, like something from a picture book, and the flowerbeds were bursting with every sort of winter plant and herb imaginable: snowdrops and white pansies; snapdragons and turkeybane; Shoveller’s Delight and puff-puff-mcguffs; inside-out Nigels, wizard-foot, beards of Persia, frogleytumps, moth-whipper – and many more besides. Everything sparkled with a layer of diamond-dusty white, and the only sounds were the crunching of the snow underfoot and the soft breeze whispering in the branches.

      At length, Princess Snowflake came to a little wooden bench set back from the path, and there she sat herself down to watch the world go by. The witches had put up signs all around the bench, saying:

      BEWARE THE GYPSY KING!

      and

      DANGER! THE GYPSY KING IS KNOWN TO OPERATE IN THESE PARTS!

      and

      YOU’RE GOING TO REGRET NOT READING THESE SIGNS ONE OF THESE DAYS, YOUNG LADY, IN FACT I BET YOU’RE NOT EVEN READING THIS ONE RIGHT NOW, ARE YOU?

      ‘No, I’m not,’ said Princess Snowflake, which was true, because she wasn’t.

      Presently a deer bounded by with a big ‘D’ painted on its side. Then another one with an ‘A’. Then another, with an ‘N’. Then another, with a ‘G’. Then another, with an ‘E’. And then one more, with an ‘R’ painted on its side.

      ‘Oh, how adorable,’ laughed Princess Snowflake, clapping her hands together, one, two, three! ‘Those letters must be the initials of each deer’s name! I bet they are called Daniel, Arthur, Neil, Georgina, Eleanor and Rum-Pum-Pum! Rum-Pum-Pum is my favourite!’

      While Princess Snowflake had been sitting on the bench, she had let Gooseberry off his leash so that he could go and do his business in the bushes. (Gooseberry ran a small and very profitable furniture business in the undergrowth, selling small tables and chairs and suchlike to the other animals. Chomley the hedgehog was one of his best customers.)

      ‘Gooseberry!’ called Princess Snowflake at length. ‘Finish up your business and come and walk with me some more, there’s a good doggie!’

      But no, there wasn’t a good doggie, because Gooseberry did not come rushing out of the bushes as he normally did, barking and smiling and with dozens of silver coins spilling from his mouth. Gooseberry was nowhere to be seen, and for the first time in her young life, Princess Snowflake knew what it was to feel fear. For the first time, she began to wish that she had listened to the witches. How long had Gooseberry been gone? Ten minutes? An hour? Even as Princess Snowflake rose from the bench to search for him, the day darkened and a cold, crisp flurry of snow began to fall. And as the snow fell, it sang:

       Whisper, whisper so,

       The wind and the snow

       The Gypsy King

       And his golden ring

       Woe, woe, woe!

       Whisper, whisper so,

       The frostbite on your toe

       The Gypsy King

       Will only bring

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