The Complete Fab Confessions of Georgia Nicolson: Books 1-10. Louise Rennison

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      Jas off all week. I’m worried about her now, she won’t even speak to me on the phone. Even when I pretended I was Santa Claus.

      Friday December 25th

      10:00 a.m.

      Happy St Nicholas’s Day, one and all!!!

      My fun-filled day started at five fifteen a.m. when Libby came in to give me my present, something made out of Playdough that had horrible, suspicious-looking brown bits in it. She said, “Tosser’s baby... ahhh,” and tucked it up into bed with me.

      As we are “a bit strapped for cash” as Vati puts it (due to his inability to hold down a job in my opinion, but I didn’t say in case I spoiled Christmas even more) we could not have expensive presents. Mum and Dad got me CDs and make-up and leggings and trainers and undies and perfume, and I made Dad a lovely moustache holder which I think he will treasure.

      I made Mum some homemade cosmetics out of egg yolks and stuff. She tried on the face pack and it gave her a bit of a rash, but on the whole livened up her complexion.

      I made Libby a fairy costume, which was a big mistake as she spent the rest of the day changing us into things by whacking us with her wand. I had to be a “nice porky piggy” for about an hour. I never want to see a sausage again.

      Jas phoned, but still isn’t venturing out – so no escaping “merry” Christmas with the family.

      Angus looked nice in his tinsel crown until it annoyed him and he ate it. When we had our lunch Mum made him a special mouse-shaped lunch in his bowl out of Katto-meat. He ate its head and then sat in it. Heaven knows what goes on in his cat brain.

      I think I may become a New Age person next year and celebrate the winter solstice by leaving my family and going to Stonehenge to dance with Druids. It couldn’t be more boring than watching my dad trying to make his new electric toothbrush work. However, there was a bright moment when he got it tangled up in his moustache.

      Saturday December 26th

      Noon

      Quel dommage!! M and D have selfishly asked me to babysit Libby whilst they have “a last night out together”. Dad leaves for Whangamata on the 29th... sob, sob... and so as a brilliant treat he is taking Mum... to the pub!! With Uncle Eddie!!

      If I was Mum I would have faked an accident, or if necessary had a real accident. A broken ankle would be a small price to pay to avoid Uncle Eddie’s version of “Agadoo”.

      11:30 p.m.

      Mum and Dad came crashing in, giggling. They were drunk. I was in bed TRYING to sleep but they have no consideration. I could hear them dancing around to “The Birdy Song”. They are sad.

      Then they crept upstairs saying “Ssshhhh” really loudly. Mum gave a bit of a gasp when she came into my room because Libby was in bed with me but she had gone to sleep upside down so her feet were on the pillow next to me. Mum put her in her own bed, but then horror of horrors DAD RUFFLED MY HAIR. I pretended even harder to be asleep.

      Sunday December 27th

      11:00 a.m.

      M and D still in bed. I will take their lovely young daughter Liberty in to them to chat.

      2:00 p.m.

      Going out. Dad’s given me a fiver to look after Libby.

      Tuesday December 29th

      8:00 p.m.

      Vati left today. I must say even I had a bit of a cry. He went off in Uncle Eddie’s sidecar. We all waved him off. He says that he’ll ring when he gets to Whangamata. It takes two days to fly there – imagine that. I suppose it is the other side of the world. Mum is all glum and snivelling, so I bought her some Milk Tray. That made her cry more, so I don’t think I’ll do it again. Libby got her Angus’s bowl to cry into.

      

      Friday January 1st

      11:00 a.m.

      Resolutions:

      I will be a much nicer person, to people who deserve it.

      I will be interested in my future.

      I will speak nicely to Mr and Mrs Next Door.

      I will be less superficial and vain.

      I will concentrate on my positive and not my negative, e.g. I will think less about my nose and more about my quite attractive teeth.

      Saturday January 2nd

      11:30 a.m.

      At last! News of Jas. It seems that she might have glandular fever. I’m wearing a scarf over my mouth and nose when I visit her, just in case. Apparently you get glandular fever from kissing. It’s a nightmare, this kissing business – if it’s not a mysterious hand on the breast it’s huge swollen glands. Celibacy or a huge fat neck, that is the stark choice. I wonder if Slim has got big fat feet from too much kissing in the foot area? Uuurgghh, now I feel really sick. I’m far too ill to visit the sick. I must go home to bed.

      No... Jas needs me. I’ll just try not to breathe the same air as her.

      4:00 p.m.

      Jas has finally let me see her. She’s all pale and thin, just lying in bed. Her bedroom is tidy, which is a bad sign and she has turned her mirror to the wall. She didn’t even open her eyes when I came in. I sat on her bed.

      “Jas, what are you doing? What’s the matter? Come on, tell me, your best pal.”

      Silence.

      “Come on, Jas, whatever it is, you can trust me.”

      Silence.

      “I know what it is, you think that just because everyone else besides Nauseating P. Green and Hairy Kate the lezzo have got boyfriends – or have kissed someone properly – there is something really wrong with you, don’t you?”

      Silence. I was getting a bit irritated. I was trying to help and I had problems of my own. I was practically an orphan, for instance... and a substitute parent. It was all, “Will you babysit Libby?” since Dad had selfishly gone to the other side of the world. What did Jas know of trouble? Had she taken her little sister to the swimming pool? No, she didn’t even have a little sister. Had her little sister’s swimming knickers exploded at the top of the toddlers’ water slide? No. Is there ever any point in trying to tell Mum that Libby always has bottom trouble after baked beans? No, there is not. The swimming knickers could not contain Libby’s poo explosion and it was all over the slide and nearby toddlers. Did Jas know what it was to see a pool being cleared of sobbing toddlers, dragged out by their water wings? No. Did she know what it was like to sluice her little sister down and then have to walk the gamut of shame past all the mothers and toddlers and swimming-pool attendants in masks with scrubbing СКАЧАТЬ