Journey to Same-Sex Parenthood. Eric Rosswood

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СКАЧАТЬ of questions about our relationship and how we envisioned raising a child. We hired someone to create our “profile book,” essentially a photo storybook of our lives, interests and home—something a prospective birthmother could look at to get a sense of our family. We found an experienced adoption attorney licensed in both Kentucky and Indiana, since there would be legal actions in both states. And it seemed like every time we turned around, our Kentucky agency discovered something else we needed to do, because of our “dual state” situation.

      I can honestly say my top-secret military security clearance seemed easier to obtain than an approved home study and adoption package for the states of Indiana and Kentucky! But finally, FINALLY, we were approved. We started this paperwork and training process in the fall of 2008 and were able to go on the active list in May 2009.

      Then the real waiting began. I don’t know how to describe waiting for “the phone call” other than you feel like your life is on hold. Do you put the deposit down for that cruise knowing “the call” would cancel those plans? Do you consider a new job or make large expenditures knowing your financial obligations could drastically change at any time? How do you plan your life knowing that, at any moment, it could turn upside down?

      So we joined a “While You Wait” support group through our Kentucky placement agency. We shared updates, talked about concerns and just generally provided an outlet for things that most of our friends and family couldn’t relate to. There were other same-sex couples in the group, so we weren’t alone in that respect, either. It was nice to have that group connection, but at times it was very difficult to participate, especially as the wait became longer. It seemed there was always another new couple joining the group and we felt guilty for viewing them as our competition. Every couple who joined was one more family that a potential birthmother had to choose from.

      We were constantly figuring the odds: how many birthmothers the agency told us they were working with against how many waiting families were there in the support group. Each time a family was matched, we were genuinely happy for them, excited they would soon take their child home. At the same time, however, we couldn’t help but ask ourselves, “Why not us?” and then later, “What’s wrong with us?” After a while it became very disheartening to continue attending the meetings. Then there were moments when we heard the “disruption” stories, about how a match didn’t work out for one reason or another. Those always brought tears to everyone’s eyes. Our hearts ached for the families and then we prayed it didn’t happen to us.

      After the first year with no match, Novia and I decided that we just had to get on with our lives. We had to make plans and do things without worrying about “what if we got a phone call. So we went on a cruise and visited family, all the while making sure the agency knew how to contact us and having contingency plans in the backs of our minds, just in case.

      We also started buying baby stuff, the big-ticket items like a crib, dresser, stroller and car seat, all of those things that cost a fortune if you buy them all at once. So every couple of months we picked up something else we knew we’d need. We didn’t set up the nursery yet, but we still wanted to make sure we were fairly ready. That way, when the call came, all we had to do was prepare the room.

      There was a lot of debate among the members of our group as to whether or not couples should set up a nursery ahead of time. Some families, like ours, were planners and wanted to be ready. Others thought it would be too hard to see that empty nursery every day. Now, I can see both points of view.

      For a long time, we really didn’t have much luck. Apparently, the poor economy had a pretty devastating effect on the country’s birth rate, so there just weren’t very many birthmothers coming in. Later, when the traffic did finally pick up, we still weren’t getting any interest. Our caseworker became concerned and suggested we revamp our profile book. She thought that maybe it wasn’t conveying the right message. So we reworked it, this time asking our best friend to put it together for us. The new profile book was more personal and I think it showed more of our personalities. We gave it to the agency and, again, we waited.

      Then came the near-misses, the times when our caseworker called and said something about staying in touch or a birthmother being interested. We got our hopes up, only to have them come crashing quickly down to earth when “the call” never came. And every group meeting, we continued to hear the numbers: the number of birthmothers, the number of families. We calculated the odds and still no call came. One year turned into two and we became pretty discouraged. I was silently glad we hadn’t set up the nursery yet and we stopped making purchases for the baby. It got even harder to go to the group meetings and we started to skip some.

      At that point we began to consider some alternatives. We talked to our Indiana agency and learned they were starting to do actual placement work, rather than just pre- and post-placement work. Their approach was more modern, though, with more responsibility placed on the families for some of the marketing legwork. We thought about it and decided to put our hat in their ring as well. Now we had two agencies working for us and all it cost Novia and I was a few thousand dollars for the Internet and marketing training. So we started that process as well. We took the online courses, worked on our social media profile page and waited some more.

      Then it happened: We got a call! A birthmother about six weeks from her due date had chosen us. The caseworker gave us the details: She was a young African-American woman, not yet twenty and pregnant with a seemingly healthy baby boy. However, the problem was that this birth-mother was considered “high risk” for disruption, meaning the agency wasn’t really confident that she would place the baby. We had heard these stories before and knew it could be heartbreaking, but what were we going to do? Turn down the match? We’d waited so long and had no idea when or if another birthmother might choose us, so we forged ahead and accepted the match.

      We met with the birthmother, talked about our plans, answered her questions and just tried to make sure we didn’t say or do anything that might cause her to change her mind and pick another couple. We began the whirlwind of preparations for welcoming a newborn: painting and decorating his room, putting the furniture and equipment together, buying more supplies and clothes and diapers. We got everything ready. We even went to one of the birthmother’s doctor appointments with her.

      Then we met with our attorney and learned about the various hoops we’d have to jump through for both Novia and I to become the child’s legal parents. We knew through my earlier research that Indiana was one of the few states that allowed second parent adoption, meaning a person not married to the biological or legal parent could adopt the child without that legal parent giving up their parental rights. In essence, it meant gay couples could both be legal parents, which was not the case in most states. But it also meant I had to legally adopt the child first. Kentucky did not allow gay couples to adopt, so in their eyes, I was the only one adopting him. After I adopted him, Novia would then have to file a separate petition to legally adopt him in Indiana as his second parent. Two separate adoption actions and two sets of adoption expenses! But we were prepared to do whatever was necessary to make sure our family was legally protected. So again, we pressed on.

      As the due date drew near, we grew increasingly excited and anxious: excited to welcome our son into the world, yet anxious about whether the birthmother might change her mind. We made plans to take an extended leave from work following the birth and arranged for family to help take care of our house and pets while we stayed in the hotel with the baby for what could be weeks. The due date came and the social worker told us they were scheduling an induction for the following week if the baby hadn’t arrived by then. When the induction date came, the social worker called again. This time she told us not to come to the hospital; the birth-mother wanted to wait until she was discharged before we could come get the child.

      The red flags couldn’t be ignored any longer. We knew it was a bad sign and that she was likely to change her mind. In the end, that’s just what she did. After the baby was born, the birthmother decided she wanted to parent СКАЧАТЬ