Journey to Same-Sex Parenthood. Eric Rosswood

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СКАЧАТЬ changed her mind and that we wouldn’t be taking him home with us after all. To say we were devastated doesn’t adequately convey the loss and grief we felt. We both left work immediately and went to a restaurant to talk and try to digest what had just happened. It was a very, very difficult experience. But we also knew we weren’t ready to throw in the towel and give up on our dream of having a family, so we told the agency to keep us on the active list.

      More months passed and we were now the oldest family in the agency, the couple that had been waiting longer than all the others. We’d watched family after family come and go. Some came back again for child number two while we still waited. We revamped our profile book one more time after seeking some feedback. I did this one myself and made it even more personal, displaying what I thought was our fun personalities and lifestyles.

      Going on our third year, we got a call one day from our caseworker in late April 2012, almost exactly one year after our first matching call. She told us we needed to get our paperwork updated: It had to be kept current every year and we were a little behind in the update. She came right out and told us, even though she wasn’t supposed to, that we had to do it immediately, because they had a birthmother who was due “very soon.” The birthmother had decided she didn’t want to choose the parents for her baby and would let the agency do it. This happened on occasion and when it did, the agency would match the child to the family who had been waiting the longest. That was us! But they couldn’t match us if our paperwork wasn’t current, so we scrambled for several days to get it done.

      The caseworker wouldn’t tell us anything more about the situation for privacy reasons. We didn’t know what “very soon” meant, so we had no idea when we might expect “the call.” We anxiously waited and tried very, very hard not to get our hopes up too high. A week went by, then another, then another. We finally decided that something must have happened and the birthmother had changed her mind, either about placing her baby or about choosing the parents. This was probably just another near miss. So again, we went on living our lives and waiting.

      On Monday, May 20th, I stayed home from work, because I wasn’t feeling well. I slept in and once I got up, I was lounging around the house in my pajamas. My cell phone was still on vibrate mode from work (we have no home phone, just cell phones). A little after 11:00 A.M., I happened to check it and saw five missed calls and numerous text messages from Novia. I immediately called her back and she told me to call our caseworker. After she couldn’t reach me, our caseworker had eventually called Novia but couldn’t tell her anything, because, according to Kentucky, I was technically the adoptive parent. She did, however, tell Novia that I would want to take this call!

      To say my heart was racing would be the grossest of gross understatements. I think it raced so fast it stopped while I made that call. My hands were shaking so badly I “fat-fingered” the numbers on my cell phone and had to erase them and redial. When our caseworker answered, she said the words I had hoped to hear for more than three years:

      “We have a baby for you!”

      I think she tried to give me all the details, like the baby’s race and health status, but I didn’t care. We had a baby! I know she asked if we wanted to adopt him and I’m pretty sure I screamed “Yes!” into the phone. She told us to come to the hospital and pick up our son. I don’t think I breathed again for about an hour. I called Novia right back and somehow I passed on the information to her, although I think I mostly just said, “Come home!”

      Novia came right home and we threw together some things we’d need for an overnight stay at the hospital, called a friend to come take care of our pets and then rushed to the car. We had already packed what we called our “deployment” bag (military backgrounds!) and it had everything we thought the baby would need for the first several days, since we knew we couldn’t take him across state lines for a while. We’d also left the baby seat installed in the car from the year before when we were matched. We were pretty much ready to go, so we threw the deployment bag in the trunk and off we went.

      We made a quick stop on the way to pick up some things for the birthmother and a few gifts for the nurses and arrived at the hospital by 2:00 P.M. I’m not sure our hearts ever stopped racing, but they were certainly racing again as we approached the hospital room. The birthmother’s social worker met us and started bringing us up to speed. I honestly don’t recall much about that conversation, except that she told us it was a healthy baby boy, the birthmother was twenty years old and African-American, the birthfather was Caucasian and not in the picture and, most importantly, she had chosen us as the parents. I remember asking if this was the birthmother who had not wanted to choose the parents for her child and she told me it wasn’t. This was a “surprise” birthmother, meaning she hadn’t even contacted the agency until she gave birth, so they rushed right over with some potential parents’ profiles and she had picked ours!

      One other thing I do specifically remember about that conversation was the story the social worker told us about how the birthmother had picked us. The social worker had given her our profile book first (we were the longest waiting family, after all) and the birthmother immediately connected to the cover photo, which was a picture of us swimming with dolphins. Apparently she loved animals.

      As she turned the pages, she found photos of us skiing and snow-boarding. She loved snowboarding, too. When she saw the snowboarding pictures, the social worker said she pulled the book to her chest, hugged it and told her this was the couple she wanted. The social worker told her to take her time and look at the other profiles, but the birthmother said no, it was us! My heart just stopped with that story and I knew right then that this little boy was meant to be our son.

      The next day was easily the most emotionally difficult I’ve ever experienced, as we met with the birthmother, got to know her a little bit, answered her questions and held our breath, hoping she wouldn’t change her mind. She clearly loved this child and was making this decision for no other reason than love, wanting him to have the kind of life she knew she couldn’t give him at that time. It was obvious this was a very difficult decision for her. She allowed us to hold him right away and feed him. After a short time, the birthmother went into her room to rest. The nurses let us stay in the room next to hers and she left him with us while she napped.

      I went out and picked up some dinner for everyone and after the birthmother rested, we visited with her again for a little while. Her only request was that she wanted to have the baby in her room with her for the night and said she would bring him to us in the morning. So we lay down on our hospital bed and tried to sleep, tried not to worry, hoped against hope that she wouldn’t change her mind and waited some more.

      About 5:00 A.M. the next morning, the birthmother lightly knocked on our door and came in with the baby. We talked about how his night had been and how she had slept. Then we took some pictures for her (that I immediately printed on the portable printer I had brought with us for just this purpose) and started the painful process of her saying goodbye. We promised her that we would give him the best life we could and would always make sure he knew how much she loved him. Then we all cried while she said goodbye. (I still cry to this day every time I remember those moments!) She placed him in my arms, kissed him and walked out of the hospital room and out of his life.

      Even though this was an open adoption, the birthmother had told us that other than the agreed-upon photos and letters from us telling her how he’s doing for a few years, she didn’t want any future contact. I think she knew it would be too hard on her. She did give us her e-mail address and we knew her full name, but we had not given her our last names, out of an overabundance of caution. Part of her story involved an overbearing parent who didn’t know about the baby yet, so we were concerned that if he found out, he might pressure her to come back for the child later on. But after meeting her, we also knew that once it was legally “safe” to do so, we would be okay with her being a part of his life in some way if that’s what she wanted. She was certainly a very loving, intelligent, thoughtful and beautiful young woman СКАЧАТЬ