Journey to Same-Sex Parenthood. Eric Rosswood

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      JOHNSON CITY, TENNESSEE

      Hello! We are Matthew and Trey from Johnson City, Tennessee. We are the second-most famous Matt-and-Trey combo in the United States. First place belongs to Matt Stone and Trey Parker, the creators of South Park and The Book of Mormon. Our spot in second place status is secured just ahead of the Matt-and-Trey serving team at one of our local dining establishments.

      Matt was born in Glendora, California and is employed as a registered nurse. I am a native of Kingsport, Tennessee and flying high as a commercial airline captain. Our story as a same-sex couple began in 2007 through the power of social media. A connection sparked over a picture of Matthew standing in front of a fast food restaurant. Matthew and I are best friends. We are very competitive with each other and laugh a lot.

      In August 2012, while on a road trip to Charlotte, North Carolina, Matthew and I decided to take our relationship from “two is company” to “three is a crowd.” We already had the usual criteria before starting a family: solid careers, a large enough home, a big yard and financial stability. So there we were, staying at an inn in Charlotte, when we looked at each other and said, “Let’s adopt!”

      When someone wants to learn more about a specific topic, what do they do? Look it up online! We did our due diligence that night in researching the process of adopting, possible agencies and the differences in open and closed adoptions. Matthew and I decided to pursue an adoption over a surrogacy to prevent the dilemma of which one of us would be the biological father. We are indecisive when trying to decide where to have dinner; we could only imagine the process of deciding who would be the sperm donor. E-mails and information requests allowed the excitement to build. At this point, it was way past midnight and we needed sleep before our return home the next morning.

      While still feeling the euphoria of all the positive information we had obtained from our online research, we didn’t just float back to Earth; we came crashing down. Matthew and I soon received the following e-mail from a prominent domestic adoption agency:

       Mr. Darnell,

       Thanks for asking about our Domestic Program…Our agency has not proved to be the best fit for same-sex couples as the birthparents looking to make an adoption plan for their child through [the agency] are overwhelmingly looking for more traditional married couples to place with. That tends to be the reason they come to our agency…I certainly do not wish to mislead you or “just take your money” when the chances of receiving a placement would be unlikely.

      A traditional married couple? There was no way we would ever fit into that category. Our state did not recognize marriages, civil unions or domestic partnerships of same-sex couples at that time. Questions of doubt started to form. What were people going to think and say? The e-mail was not meant to be hurtful, but it was successful in being destructive.

      Now what? How does one go from a pessimistic view to a very optimistic attitude? Go on vacation! So we took a weekend trip to Atlanta, Georgia, to attend a free informational session offered by a large adoption agency. We were both surprised to learn that it was also the same weekend of Atlanta Gay Pride. I personally had never been to a gay pride event before. Did you know the group Dykes on Bikes always starts a gay pride parade? I can honestly say that weekend with the agency and the events changed everything for us.

      As a same-sex couple, Matthew and I had the unique opportunity to share our story of growing a family through adoption. Instead of marketing ourselves as a couple hoping to adopt, we were given a platform to promote gay couples parenting in general. There has never been a greater moment than now for us to open up about our lives. As each day passes, equal rights for LGBT individuals are growing. Now is the time for us to share and to speak. When we started the adoption process, it was our hope to expand our family with a child and now we are able to help spread the positive message of gay parenting.

      When we wrote the first draft of our profile letter, it was twice as long as our agency recommended. It is very difficult to condense everything you want to say into fewer than one thousand words. Our adoption profile was approved for viewing by expecting parents the week before Christmas in 2012. At that particular time, the average waiting period for a same-sex couple was fifteen months, though we were both well aware that our wait could end up being shorter or much longer than that.

      Matthew and I had decided to promote ourselves as a couple in every way possible for six months and then take a step back and evaluate our approach. Over the next couple of weeks, we had a few contacts from potential birthmothers. All of them we considered to be emotional scams. Every waiting family is aware of the risks that adoption can bring. In most cases, families get angry with these particular situations, but we chose to use them as practice experiences to get over the nerves of talking to pregnant women.

      In March 2013, we received a text message on our designated adoption cell phone number. We were both just coincidentally looking at the phone when the text was received. It said, “How do you feel about twins?” We were stunned, giddy and nervous. We had always been open to the idea of twins. Over the next couple of weeks, we talked to this particular expecting mother and all three of us seemed to hit it off very well. There were so many similarities: She was a registered nurse in Labor and Delivery and liked most of the same things we did. We had several phone conversations with her and learned that she had contacted our adoption agency and that she was also speaking to another family as well. Matthew and I both felt like this was the right match for us.

      This birthmother was very cautious about the adoption process and had several specific concerns. She was mostly terrified that once the adoption occurred, the adoptive parents and her twin girls would disappear. There was only one state, California, in which open adoption agreements were considered legally enforceable. In all other states, they were primarily promises.

      While talking to the mother of the twins, we missed another incoming text message. Since we didn’t respond to the text within a couple of hours, we then received a call on the toll-free telephone number that was listed on our adoption profile. When someone dialed the number, Matthew and I received simultaneous calls on our personal cell phones, as well as the house phone. Needless to say, when all three phones rang at the same time, we started to panic.

      This phone call was from the mother of an expecting father in Texas. She asked many questions and I felt an instant connection with her. We had come to a crossroad. Matthew and I liked both situations. The twins were due in June and the Texas baby was due in September. We decided to continue with both possibilities for the time being.

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