The Satires of Horace. Horace

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      fools often make the opposite mistake.

      Maltinus wears his tunic down real low,35

      while others hoist it high enough to show

      their cocks and prove their lewd impertinence.

      Refined Rufillus always reeks of mints;

      Gargonius of goat. There isn't much

      that's in-between. Some men will only touch40

      a woman if a prudish robe can swallow

      her ankles; others won't unless they wallow

      in whorehouse stench. When Cato recognized

      a friend outside a brothel, he advised

      with godly insight,

      “That's commendable!45

      When lust engorges veins, it's sensible

      for bachelors to descend into this den

      instead of banging wives of married men.”

      Cupiennius, who likes vaginas pure,

      responds,

      “Such praise I'd rather not endure!”50

      It's worth it—if you're someone who prefers

      that great disasters strike adulterers—

      to pay attention to their chronic stress

      and how fresh grief disrupts brief happiness.

      One fellow went up to his roof and jumped;55

      a second died from whippings; robbers thumped

      another man while he was on the run;

      some guy paid ransom; yet another one

      was roughed up by a gang—and once a blade

      left someone with his balls and prick filleted.60

      Mobs roar,

      “It's justice!!!” Galba won't agree.

      So why are baubles picked up cheap or free

      (i.e., freedwomen) thought to be less risky?

      They will make Sallustius as frisky

      as any husband screwing on the side,65

      yet if he tried to be both dignified

      and generous (so far as they don't clash

      and he's unchecked by reason or his cash),

      he'd give them adequate remuneration

      and spare himself from shame and devastation.70

      Instead, relying on this single thing

      he swells with pride and takes to posturing

      because, he can declare,

      “I'd never paw

      a married woman!”

      It's the same old saw

      we heard once from Marsaeus, who we know75

      became the paramour of Origo

      and gave that starlet his ancestral lands

      while vowing,

      “May I never lay my hands

      on wives of other men!”

      But you have laid

      both actresses and hookers, which has made

      your name more tarnished than your balance sheet!80

      Are you content to take this part, yet cheat

      yourself of credit for the role you play?

      It harms you nonetheless; to throw away

      one's reputation and inheritance85

      is always evil. What's the difference

      between a matron and a white-robed miss?

      The son-in-law of Sulla, Villius,

      a wretch too smitten with nobility,

      was punished harshly and repeatedly90

      by Fausta; he was always getting hit

      or held at swordpoint for the fun of it,

      and then deposited outside the gate

      when Longarenus entered for a date.

      Imagine someone stuck in such a bind95

      whose penis was inclined to speak its mind:

      “What satisfies you? Do I ask to probe the crotch beneath a consul's daughter's robe?”

      And what would be his likeliest reply?

      “Her father is a VIP…” Just try100 to get through thoughtfully and not confuse what you should shun with what you want to choose. Doesn't it matter if dissatisfactions stem from circumstance or your own actions? Don't give yourself a reason for remorse;105 forget the matrons, for they are a source of misery and evil that will keep you from the benefits you ought to reap. Although, Cerinthus, you may want to fight, your emerald or gems that are snow-white110 won't make the legs or thighs of women soften or more fragile, and indeed it's often a whore who has the more attractive odds, for she may sell without the false façades and openly display what is for sale;115 if she has charm, she need not hype her tale while cautiously concealing what is coarse. It's the same way that kings will buy a horse: they keep it covered as they check it out so they will never be deceived about120 the fragile hoof that often lurks below the gorgeous body putting on a show of tapered flanks, fine head, and arching neck. Their ways are wise, so never make your check of an exquisite body with the eyes125 of a Lynceus, but don't scrutinize the others like Hypsaea so you're blind to any imperfections you should find. “Oh what a leg! What arms!”

      Your blather flows

      while viewing shapeless hips, a pointed nose,130

      no waist to speak of, and enormous feet.

      With someone's wife, your view is incomplete

      except that you can see her face; unless

      she is Catia, her long, flowing dress

      will hide the rest. But if you go pursue135

      forbidden joys—as crazy people do—

      a host of obstacles will block your way:

      attendants, vehicles, beauticians, СКАЧАТЬ