The Satires of Horace. Horace

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      and then suppose his master had replied

      by ordering the slave be crucified.

      Sane men would call him more delirious

      than Labeo. How much more serious130

      and crazy would you call this violation? A friend commits a minor provocation which you must overlook or otherwise be thought ungracious. You then demonize him and avoid him like that man in debt135 who stays the furthest distance he can get from Ruso; once the dreaded Kalends come, unless that debtor somehow finds a sum of cash or loan, he's collared by the throat and has to listen to each anecdote140 that Ruso ever wrote. That friend may pee upon your couch while on a drinking spree or send Evander's cherished saucer flying off the table. Is this or, when dying of hunger, plucking chicken from your plate145 a reason why a friend is second-rate? What is my recourse if the fellow steals, betrays my trust, or welshes on his deals?

      When up against the truth, those who proclaim

      that all transgressions are about the same150

      start hyperventilating. They deny

      both instinct and tradition, and defy

      expediency, which appears to be

      the source of fairness and equality.

      When brute-like men, a mute and lawless pack,155

      first crawled into the world, they would attack

      each other with their fists and nails, and then

      with clubs, to steal an acorn or a den,

      and then eventually armaments

      that were developed by experience160

      until they found the nouns and verbs that brought

      their cries and stirrings into realms of thought.

      Soon they were shunning conflict, fortifying

      villages and making laws—denying

      everyone the chance to pillage, loot,165

      or carry off their wives, since the pursuit

      of cunts provoked the most horrific wars

      before Helen, though history ignores

      men slain by those who were more powerful

      while they were blithely rutting like a bull170

      within his herd. If you decide to scan

      the records of the history of man,

      you will concede that we created courts

      from fear of lawlessness. When nature sorts

      out what is good, it cannot separate175

      what's just from unjust or what should create

      aversion to a thing we should pursue.

      Nor should logic make us think it's true

      that all offenses are identical—

      from picking someone's baby vegetable180

      to stealing sacred items in the night.

      Let's use a scale imposing what is right,

      so that we don't inflict the cruelest lashing

      on someone who deserves a milder thrashing.

      And if you cane a person who has earned185

      a fiercer whipping, I am unconcerned

      since you will tell me theft that's surreptitious

      is just the same as robbery that's vicious,

      and that your scythe would level small and great

      offenses (if we'd let you legislate).190

      If somebody is wise and well-to-do,

      a shoemaker who makes the finest shoe,

      and he alone is suave and king, then why

      demand what's owned already?

      The reply?

      “You're missing what the father of our school,195

      Chrysippus, had intended as the rule!

      If someone wise has never made a pair

      of shoes or sandals he himself could wear,

      that man is still a cobbler.”

      “How's that so?”

      “It is just like Hermogenes; although200

      he's silent, he retains his great cachet

      as singer and musician, the same way

      that wily Alfenus, once he discarded

      his tools and shut his shop, was still regarded

      as a cobbler in the truest sense205

      that one who's wise displays more competence

      than others in their fields of expertise,

      and in this sense is king.”

      “The urchins seize

      your beard, and if your ‘sceptre’ won't repel

      the mob, it crowds and bumps you as you yell210

      and bluster back at them. O most sublime

      of mighty kings, I will not take much time!

      While you, as king, go bathing for small change

      without a fawning aide except the strange

      Crispinus, my good friends will not be stern215

      when folly makes me fail; for them in turn

      I'll gladly brush off any travesty

      and thrive uncrowned more than ‘Your Majesty.’”