Straight to Jesus. Tanya Erzen

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СКАЧАТЬ ‘You have to choose between your sin and me. What's it gonna be?' I was never able to deny God. I've tried to justify and it never set well. There was never any question in my mind; I always knew it was wrong.” The men also spoke of their expectation that by being at New Hope, their sexual conflicts would diminish as their Christian identity strengthened. They felt certain that it was only through an ex-gay program that they could reconcile their sexuality with their religious belief system through a process of religious and sexual conversion. Having a public intimacy with God and a personal relationship with Jesus would enable them to be new creations in Christ. Their new ex-gay identity would emerge through what they called “an identity in Jesus.”

      SHOUT TO THE LORD

      The men at New Hope grew up with or were familiar with conservative Christian traditions, spanning a wide range from Nazarene, Assemblies of God, Baptist, and Pentecostal to nondenominational backgrounds in Vineyard Fellowships or Calvary Chapels. A few men had upbringings in mainline Protestant denominations like Presbyterianism or Lutheranism. Some left their churches and faith for a time and then rediscovered it. Others attended church at the same time they engaged in clandestine homosexual relationships and sexual practices. The sole Catholic man at the ministry had tried an ex-gay group run by a Catholic church but found that it did not provide enough structure. During his year at the ministry, he was baptized by Pastor Mike and began to describe himself as a “saved Christian.” New Hope is adamant about promoting a non-denominational form of Christianity at the ministry. The program book states, “Please don't push your denomination's peculiar sectarian doctrine or dogma on others. New Hope Ministries holds to the simple Gospel presented by Jesus Christ.”⁴

      Even by defining themselves simply as Christians, the people at New Hope and Open Door reference a very specific theological belief system. This includes the necessity for personal salvation through becoming born again, or saved, faith in the inerrancy of the Bible, and the belief that Jesus Christ is the Son of God, with whom a person can have an intimate relationship. The theological tenets of Open Door Church echo these ideas: belief in the Holy Trinity (Jesus, God, and the Holy Spirit), the virgin birth, the Second Coming of Christ, and salvation by faith and grace alone. Open Door's official doctrinal statement reads, “We believe the essence of the Christian life is a personal relationship with Christ lived out in the fellowship of the church.” The idea of grace is central to how New Hope and Open Door Church conceive of homosexuality. In this view, God's grace extends to all people, regardless of their sins, as long as they ask for forgiveness. Open Door and New Hope understand salvation as an act of divine grace received through faith in Christ, not through any kind of penance or good works. When a person is reborn, the guilt of sin disappears and an inward process of sanctification takes place as he or she leads a Christian life. The New Hope doctrinal statement links the issue of homosexuality to this belief system:

      We believe that the Bible is the inspired Word of God and is infallible and authoritative in its original writings. We believe that for the salvation of lost and sinful man, faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and regeneration by the Holy Spirit are essential. We believe that the Bible teaches that all homosexual conduct is wrong and against God's standards. We believe that through making an unconditional commitment to Christ, we are empowered by Him who gives us victory over homosexual desires and leads us into a new life and a new walk that is within His will.⁵

      Services at Open Door are informal and spontaneous. At one of my first visits, Pastor Mike's son, who is the unofficial leader of the Open Door band, played soft Christian rock songs on guitar accompanied by a keyboardist, two female singers, and a drummer. Their band toured Ireland and parts of Europe later that summer as part of a series of Christian youth events. A disco ball that belonged to the community center revolved overhead, refracting the light from outside. The lyrics to “Shout to the Lord” were projected on a screen above us, and the congregation sang the chorus over and over:

      Shout to the Lord, all the earth,

      let us sing

      power and majesty, praise to the king;

      mountains bow down and the seas will roar

      at the sound of your name.

      I sing for joy at the work of your hands,

      forever I'll love you, forever I'll stand,

      nothing compares to the promise I have in you.

      The singing was heartfelt and expressive. Brian closed his eyes and extended his palms upward. Curtis shook from side to side as if he were at a concert and frequently lifted his hands in a posture of surrender. This part of the service lasted for half an hour. The singing reached a crescendo, but the band continued, and the congregation repeated the chorus one more time. The program bulletin called it praise and worship, and the intensity of singing was meant to express a deep love for God. Brian and Curtis's participation in worship was much more bodily than cognitive. Afterward, when I asked why Pastor Mike had used a particular word during his sermon, Curtis could not recall what I was talking about. “I loved the worship service,” he replied, humming “Shout to the Lord.”

      With the music playing gently in the background, Pastor Mike had preached a short sermon based around Romans. His sermons tended to be Bible-centered instead of topical. Members of New Hope are encouraged to interpret scripture for themselves and have direct interactions with God. Pastor Mike was an understated and folksy minister rather than a fire-and-brimstone preacher or flashy televangelist. He frequently spoke about the apocalypse and his belief in the Second Coming of Jesus, a belief that some evangelical churches espouse to varying degrees.⁶ “The Bible is fuzzy on the end times issue. There will be an ending. I tell people to pick your poison and to be ready,” he later explained. The official church doctrine listed at the Open Door Web site states, “We believe the age will end with the return of Jesus Christ to set up His kingdom.” Pastor Mike and Frank see evangelizing and sharing their beliefs with a wider culture as a necessity. They often speak of their “callings” to minister to those struggling with homosexuality.

      At the end of the service at Open Door, with Pastor Mike's encouragement, several people came to the front of the room for healing prayer. Brian strode forward and leaned over a new member of the program, laying his hand on his shoulder, praying fervently but softly. Ray, in his late forties, wearing jeans and a rumpled shirt, knelt before him with his eyes squeezed shut, also praying. Brian intended his laying on of hands to be caring but casual, so that anyone would feel empowered to step forward to receive healing. Open Door teaches that everyone should receive the baptism of the Holy Spirit. “We believe in the power of the Holy Spirit, his dwelling presence in every believer, and the gifts that he imparts,” Pastor Riley explained. “People teach that you're automatically filled with the spirit when you're born again and to a certain degree I believe that your spirit is quickened,” said Hank. One of the signs that a person has accepted the Holy Spirit is that he or she receives a prayer language or the ability to pray in tongues. Connected with this ability is a feeling that one has what Hank calls “a prophetic gift of healing.…I really believe that the mainstream church is lacking in a dynamic manifestation of the spirit. It's more a religion, [a] head thing, and that has never done anything for me whatsoever. I think everybody should be filled with the spirit.” Hank's everyday life is suffused with this practice. Frequently, as he went about his other tasks as the resident New Hope handyman, he would start praying loudly or singing a particularly religious Johnny Cash song, like “Will You Meet Me in Heaven Someday?” He believed that these manifestations of his spirit-filled nature were simply spontaneous eruptions beyond his control, which was further proof to him of the way the spirit moved in his everyday life.

      Many men eagerly anticipated the healing portion of the service at Open Door, but overall a communal aspect of worship infused the entire church experience. Pastor Mike asked us to hug and talk to our neighbors, to hold hands, and there was a lot of bumping into each other as everyone swayed to the music. When he noticed my hesitation and СКАЧАТЬ