Straight to Jesus. Tanya Erzen

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      CHAPTER 2

      New Creations

      On New Year's Eve, 1999, thirteen men between the ages of twenty and forty-five arrived in San Rafael, California, from all over the country to begin the one-year residential program at New Hope Ministry. Although they were strangers to each other, they began the night by making dinner and finished by praying in the New Year together. The date is deliberately symbolic. In the past, these same men might have celebrated the New Year by engaging in drinking, drug use, and same-sex behavior. This New Year's Eve is a rite of passage, the beginning of what will be a year spent living in close proximity to others, delving into personal issues and problems, trying to conquer various sexual addictions, and hoping to eventually become sexually and religiously transformed. Some arrived believing that within a year their sexual attractions for members of the same sex will have diminished; others simply hoped to conquer debilitating addictions. Many were seeking the camaraderie and sense of community that were absent from their lives. They were joined by eight other men: four were continuing into their second year as leaders in training, and four had completed two years at New Hope and were now house leaders in the program.

      At their initial New Year's meeting, Frank warned them, “The kind of miracle I want to discuss with you is not an instant kind of miracle, rather it is a long-term progressive miracle. Many would say it is not a miracle at all, but when God accomplishes something the world says is impossible, it is indeed a miracle.” During the evening, the men mingled.Each was required to speak to every other person in the room, writing down their names, hometowns, and any other facts about them in their workbook. Later, they carted their belongings into rooms shared with one to two other men, deliberating over which bunk would be theirs for the duration of the year. In a few days, they had covered the walls of the rooms with posters and whatever other personal mementos they had to demarcate the space as their own. Curtis's room, for example, was wallpapered with magazine clippings and snapshots of friends.

      After the initial euphoria of New Year's, what veteran New Hopers call “the honeymoon period,” each man immediately begins a job search in the surrounding area. A sympathetic temporary agency assists in placing the men in local companies where there are other ex-gay men. This is important, because for the first several months of the program, known as phase one, participants are not allowed to go anywhere unless accompanied by two other people. The ministry includes weekly drop-in support groups, an organizational office, and a full-fledged residential program where men take part in group activities, classes, Bible studies, and counseling for a year. The four-quarter “Steps Out” workbook, written by Frank, is the basis for the classes and the structure of the residential program. Men also receive a copy of the “Steps Out” program manual, which lists the program's rules and regulations. By living in a dormitory-style arrangement, sharing living space and household duties, and working full time in the local community, they are to learn how to build healthy relationships with other men. Their one-year commitment to New Hope is designed to teach them coping skills and give them information about the root causes of their homosexuality while acknowledging that the process of change is one that potentially takes a lifetime.

      Many are elated to be at the ministry, tentative yet hopeful that they will change. However, Frank also cautions them, “Change is difficult. It involves self-denial, which today is a no-no. The world cannot understand and doesn't want to understand that there are some things so valuable that people will deny their instincts and forgo immediate gratification to gain the pearl of great price who is Christ himself.” Obedience to God and acceptance that any conversions they undergo are an unfolding process is Frank's main message. “The place of the homosexual in the church is not acceptance as representing a third order of legitimate sexuality, but acceptance as one in the process of growth and change.” Hank seconds Frank's caveat, but he is a more formidable presence because he lives, eats, and spends all his time with the men. His long hair and propensity to go everywhere barefoot only add to the awe he inspires in new men in the program like Curtis, who always seem at a loss for words in Hank's presence. During the orientation, Hank leads the men through a series of requirements for participation: develop a positive attitude, be diligent, keep a journal, share, be celibate, be fervent in prayer, repent, be open and transparent, be committed to the church, and be cautious of seducing spirits.¹ “You have made a sacrifice to be here; make that sacrifice pay off for you. This program is important to you and your future; apply yourself,” Hank practically booms. “Do not just try to slip by. You could waste a year of your life and squander what God has provided for you. Not only that, you could inhibit another member's growth. Enthusiasm breeds enthusiasm; lethargy breeds lethargy.” Hank's physical and spiritual presence, more than any other, dominates daily life in the program. Because of the heavy responsibility for someone in Hank's position and the tendency for men to demand his individual attention, he is careful to delineate specific boundaries. The “Steps Out” workbook counsels the men, “Do not place heavy expectations on your house leader. To do his job effectively, he must divide his time between all house members; he cannot be exclusively yours.”² As the year progressed, these boundaries became increasingly difficult to maintain, and often Hank's only respite was the privilege of his single room or his escape to his job.

      Attending worship services at Open Door Church their first Sunday in the program was startling for many of the New Hope men. Instead of condemning them, Pastor Mike warmly welcomed the new arrivals from his pulpit, and members of the church beamed at them from their seats. Open Door receives a new crop of ex-gay men every year when the program begins, and the other members of the church were expecting them. Most men who arrived at New Hope defined themselves as conservative Christians who believe that an ex-gay ministry represents their last opportunity to live according to Christian principles after leading lives of what they characterize as sin and unhappiness.³ In the language of New Hope, they are “strugglers,” or dealing with “sexual brokenness.” They joined the program because they have been unable to reconcile conflicts between their deeply rooted religious belief that the Bible is the word of God and that it expressly condemns homosexuality and their own sexual desires and practices. Their experiences growing up in conservative Christian churches where they heard dire warnings about homosexuality only reinforced this interpretation. Many arrived with tales of sexual and pornography addiction and anonymous sex in lavatories, rest stops, and parks; stories of loneliness; and suicide attempts. All of them spoke of suffering from guilt, shame, and distance from God. The men used the word homosexuality to describe their pasts because it refers to acts and feelings rather than an identity. Only a small percentage of the men in the program ever identified as gay, had long-term lovers or partners, or were socially or politically involved in a wider gay community. Most men eschewed a gay identity and described their sexuality as an experience of guilt about sexual acts, practices, feelings, and desires. Others had left long-term lovers, friendships, and relationships in order to become ex-gays. Hank explained his eleven-year relationship this way: “After many years I just got tired of the contradiction. I would СКАЧАТЬ