Blue Notebook / Голубая тетрадь. Книга для чтения на английском языке. Даниил Хармс

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      On Equilibrium

      Everyone now knows how dangerous swallowing stones is. A friend of mine even coined the expression «Dan – in – ston», which means: «It's dangerous to ingest stones». And a good thing too. «Dan – in – ston» can be easily remembered and, as required, instantly recalled.

      He worked, this friend of mine, as a stoker on a steam engine. He travelled either the northern line or to Moscow. He was called Nikolay Ivanovich Serpukhov and he smoked Rocket cigarettes at thirty – five kopecks a packet, and always said that they made him cough less, while those costing five roubles, he says, «always make me choke».

      And so Nikolay Ivanovich once chanced to get in to the restaurant in the Yevropeyskaya Hotel. Nikolay Ivanovich sat at a table and at the next table some foreigners were sitting munching apples.

      At this point Nikolay Ivanovich said to himself: – This is interesting – said Nikolay Ivanovich – A man's life this!

      Barely had he said this to himself when from out of the blue a Fairy appeared in front of him, saying: – My good man, what do you need?

      Well, of course, in a restaurant you do get a commotion from which, it may be said, this unknown diminutive lady may have sprung. The foreigners even ceased munching their apples.

      Nikolay Ivanovich himself rather had the wind up and spoke rather offhandedly, so as to give her the brush – off. – I'm sorry – he said – but I don't really require anything in particular.

      – You don't understand – said the unknown lady – I – she said – am what is called a Fairy. In the merest jiffy I'll lay on whatever you fancy.

      Nikolay Ivanovich happened to notice that a citizen in a grey two – piece was listening intently to their conversation. The maitre d'hotel was rushing through the open doors and behind him some other specimen with a cigarette in his mouth.

      – Bloody hell! – thought Nikolay Ivanovich – there's no telling what's going on.

      And there was indeed no telling what was going on. The maitre d'hotel was leaping around the tables, the foreigners were rolling up the carpets and generally the devil only knew what! They were all doing whatever they felt like!

      Nikolay Ivanovich ran out to the street and didn't even pick up his hat from the custody of the cloakroom; he ran out on to Lassalle Street and said to himself: – Dan – in – ston! It's dangerous to ingest stones – Nothing like this ever really happens, surely!

      And arriving home, Nikolay Ivanovich told his wife: – Don't be alarmed, Yekaterina Petrovna, and don't get worried. Only there's no equilibrium in the world. It's just an error of some kilogram and a half over the universe as a whole, but it's really a surprising thing, Yekaterina Petrovna, totally surprising!

      And that's all.

      Andrey Semyonovich

      Andrey Semyonovich spat into a cup of water. The water immediately turned black. Andrey Semyonovich screwed up his eyes and looked attentively into the cup. The water was very black. Andrey Semyonovich's heart began to throb.

      At that moment Andrey Semyonovich's dog woke up. Andrey Semyonovich went over to the window and began ruminating.

      Suddenly something big and dark shot past Andrey Semyonovich's face and flew out of the window. This was Andrey Semyonovich's dog flying out and it zoomed like a crow on to the roof of the building opposite. Andrey Semyonovich sat down on his haunches and began to howl.

      Into the room ran Comrade Popugayev.

      – What's up with you? Are you ill? – asked Comrade Popugayev.

      Andrey Semyonovich quieted down and rubbed his eyes with his hands.

      Comrade Popugayev took a look into the cup which was standing on the table. – What's this you've poured into here? – he asked Andrey Semyonovich.

      – I don't know – said Andrey Semyonovich.

      Popugayev instantly disappeared. The dog flew in through the window again, lay down in its former place and went to sleep.

      Andrey Semyonovich went over to the table and took a drink from the cup of blackened water. And Andrey Semyonovich's soul turned lucid.

      Rebellion

      – Drink vinegar, gentlemen – said Shuyev.

      No one gave him any reply.

      – Gentlemen! – shouted Shuyev – I propose to you the drinking of vinegar!

      Makaronov got up from his armchair and said:

      – I welcome Shuyev's idea. Let's drink vinegar.

      Rastopyakin said:

      – I shall not be drinking vinegar.

      At this point a silence set in and everyone began to look at Shuyev. Shuyev sat stony – faced. It was not clear what he was thinking.

      Three minutes went by. Suchkov smothered a cough. Ryvin scratched his mouth. Kaltayev adjusted his tie. Makaronov jiggled his ears and his nose. And Rastopyakin, slumped against the back of his armchair, was looking as if indifferently into the fireplace.

      Seven or eight more minutes went by.

      Ryvin stood up and went out of the room on tiptoe.

      Kaltayev followed him with his eyes.

      When the door had closed behind Ryvin, Shuyev said:

      – So. The rebel has departed. To the devil with the rebel!

      Everyone looked at each other in surprise, and Rastopyakin raised his head and fixed his gaze on Shuyev.

      Shuyev said sternly:

      – He who rebels is a scoundrel!

      Suchkov cautiously, under the table, shrugged his shoulders.

      – I am in favour of the drinking of vinegar – Makaronov said quietly and looked expectantly at Shuyev.

      Rastopyakin hiccupped and, with embarrassment, blushed like a maiden.

      – Death to the rebels! – shouted Suchkov, baring his blackish teeth.

      Ivan Yakovlevich Bobov

      Ivan Yakovlevich Bobov woke up in the best possible of moods. He looked out from under his blanket and immediately spotted the ceiling. The ceiling was decorated with a large grey stain with greenish edges. If one looked closely at the stain, with one eye, then the stain took on a resemblance to a rhinoceros harnessed to a wheelbarrow, although others held that it looked more like a tram with a giant sitting on top – however, it was possible to detect in this stain even the outlines of some city or other. Ivan Yakovlevich looked at the ceiling, though not at where the stain was, but just like that, at no particular place; while doing so, he smiled and screwed up his eyes. Then he goggled his eyes and raised his eyebrows so high that his forehead folded up like a concertina and would very nearly have disappeared altogether if Ivan Yakovlevich had not screwed up his eyes again and suddenly, as СКАЧАТЬ