THE SMITHY & NOBBY COLLECTION: 6 Novels & 90+ Stories in One Edition. Edgar Wallace

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      “Jue Jitsoo,’ sez Nobby slowly, ‘is a sort of thing that you hit a chap without touchin’ him, in a manner of speakin’.’

      “‘Talk sense, Nobby,’ sez Spud, ‘an’,’ he sez, ‘don’t try to talk about things you don’t know nothin’ about.’

      “‘I’ll show you what I mean,’ sez Nobby, gettin’ up from ‘is cot. ‘I read about it in a book I bought — come ‘ere, Dusty.’

      “‘What for?’ sez Dusty, shrinkin’ back.

      “‘I want to show you ‘ow it’s done,’ sez Nobby, takin’ orf ‘is coat an’ rolling up ‘is sleeves.

      “‘Show Smithy,’ sez Dusty.

      “‘Show Spud,’ I sez, very hasty.

      “Spud didn’t like the idea, but Nobby said it was all right.

      “‘If you ‘urt me,’ sez Spud, threatenin’, ‘it’s me an’ you for it, Nobby.’

      “‘Don’t cry,’ sez Nobby, takin’ ‘old of Spud’s arm an’ then started to explain.

      “‘Suppose you’re a thief,’ e sez.

      “‘No snacks,’ sez Spud.

      “‘Suppose you come up to me on pay-night an’ try to pick my pocket.’

      “‘You ain’t ever got anything on a pay-night,’ sez Spud, with a larf.

      “‘Well,’ went on Nobby, not takin’ any notice of Spud, ‘I just ketch ‘old of you like this — an’ that — an’ there you are.’

      “An’ before Spud knew what was happenin’ there he was, on the floor — whack!

      “‘Don’t you do that again,’ sez Spud, gettin’ up.

      “‘Now,’ sez Nobby, gettin’ Spud by the throat, ‘suppose you’re a dangerous criminal an’ I’m a policeman—’

      “‘Leggo,’ sez Spud, strugglin’.

      “‘I just push you in the face, kick your leg, butt you with my ‘ead — and there you are!’ An’ down went Spud on ‘is back — bang!

      “‘Look ‘ere,’ sez Spud — he never could take a joke—’look ‘ere,’ he sez, ‘don’t you try your funny tricks on me, Nobby, or—’

      “‘What’s the good of gettin’ out of temper,’ sez Nobby, an’ we all said the same, so did a lot of chaps who’d come up from the room downstairs when they ‘eard Spud fall. So we told him it was for the good of the reg’ment, an’ we was all learnin’ Ju-What’s-its-name, an’ we said no one else was strong enough to be, experimented on, an’ so we calmed him down, an’ he said he’d go on bein’ an experiment.

      “‘Suppose I’m a robber,’ sez Nobby, ‘an’ try to pinch your watch. Now what you’ve got to do is to catch ‘old of my throat an’ ‘arf strangle me.’

      “‘I can do that,’ sez Spud, brightenin’ up.

      “‘An’ what I’ve got to do is to prevent you,’ sez Nobby. ‘Now here I come, pretendin’ to lift your watch.’

      “It was as good as a pantomime to watch Spud waitin’ to land one on Nobby when ‘e got close enough; but somehow when Spud jumped forward to choke Nobby, Nobby wasn’t there, an’ down went Spud all in a ‘eap.

      “‘E got up, feelin’ ‘is legs to see if they was broke, an’ Shiner Williams, who happened only to arrive at that minute, asked Nobby to do it again, because he wasn’t lookin’ at the time.

      “‘That’s what you call Ju-jitsoo, is it?’ sez Spud.

      “‘Yes,’ sez Nobby, puttin’ on ‘is coat, ‘that’s why the Japs always win, an’ the Russians always lose.’

      “‘That’s Ju-jitsoo, is it!’ sez Spud, takin’ orf ‘is coat.

      “‘That’s it, Spud,’ sez Nobby. ‘I ‘ope it’ll be a lesson to you — I don’t charge you anything for learnin’ you — but I’m willin’ to give lessons at fourpence a time to any young military gentleman present. Who’ll ‘ave fourpenn’oth?’

      “‘That’s Ju-jitsoo, is it ‘ sez Spud, in a sort of dream; an’ that ‘e makes a rush, an’ knocks poor old Nobby over an’ sits on him.

      “‘What’s the Ju-jitsoo for this, Nobby?’ sez Spud, givin’ him a punch.

      “‘Lemme get up,’ sez Nobby.

      “‘Suppose you’re a big-footed liar of a soldier what gets flattened out an’ sat on for bein’ too comic — what do you do next?’ sez Spud, givin’ Nobby a smack on the ‘ead.

      “‘I haven’t read that part yet,’ gasps Nobby ‘Let me get up an’ ‘ave a dekko at the book.’

      “‘Let ‘im get up, Spud,’ I sez.

      “‘Hullo, Smithy,’ sez Spud, ‘what are you stickin’ your ugly nose in for?’

      “‘Never mind my nose,’ I sez ; ‘let Nobby get up, or I’ll give you a wipe in the eye,’ I sez.

      “‘I see,’ sez Spud. ‘Ju-jitsoo means always havin’ a fat-’eaded pal handy to take your part,’ he sez”

      12. The New Officer

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      “The officer,” said Private Smithy, of the 1st Anchesters, “is a new officer. It isn’t the new kind of uniform, or the new Salvation Army cap, or the new silly way of wearing his shoulder sash. He’s a changed officer, if you understand. He don’t look no different, and in many ways he’s not altered a bit. He still plays polo an’ bridge — what’s bridge?”

      I explained.

      “Well, he still does all these things just about as much as ever he did, but I tell you ‘e’s an astounding blighter in many ways.”

      “It ain’t so long ago,” reflected this monunment of the First Army Corps, “when officers used to come on parade at 10 a.m. — Commanding officers’ parade drill order — and we used to look at ’em hard to discover whether we’d seen ’em before. They used to troop down from the officers’ mess buttoning up their brown gloves and hooking on their swords under their patrol jackets. They’d stand about for a minute or two yawnin’ their blankey ‘eads orf an’ then the bugled sound ‘Officers come and be blowed,’ an’ they’d fall in.

      “Well, the colour-sergeant was always waitin’ СКАЧАТЬ