THE SMITHY & NOBBY COLLECTION: 6 Novels & 90+ Stories in One Edition. Edgar Wallace

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СКАЧАТЬ snack a chap about his face,’ sez Ugly, very fierce.

      “‘No offence, Ugly,’ sez Nobby.

      “‘And I ain’t go’in’ to cioss your bloomin’ hand with silver,’ sez Ugly, ‘‘cos I’ve only got three’apence.’

      “‘That’ll do, sez Nobby, who never let a customer go.

      “‘You’ve got a long life in front of you,’ sez Nobby, lookin’ at the hands.

      “‘Ah,’ sez Ugly.

      “‘You’ve ‘ad a stormy career in the past,’ sez Nobby, ‘but all will come right!’

      “‘Ah,’ sez Ugly.

      “‘You’ve been crorsed in love,’ sez Nobby.

      “‘That’s a lie,’ sez Ugly.

      “‘So it is,’ sez Nobby, lookin’ close at Ugly’s paw, ‘wot I thought was the crorsed-in-love line is only dirt. You’ve got a sensitive ‘art, you think everybody’s passin’ remarks about your face,’ sez Nobby.

      SPIRITS

      “‘Never mind about my face,’ snarls Ugly.

      “‘I don’t mind it,’ sez Nobby, ‘even if other people do,’ he sez.

      “Well, old Ugly got mad an’ went round puttin’ it about that Nobby couldn’t tell fortunes for nuts, and Mouldy sez that Nobby was tellin’ a lot of lies an’ makin’ fun of the chaps, an’ business began to fall orf.

      “One afternoon Nobby sez to me, ‘Smithy, trade’s bad.’

      “‘Is it?’ I sez.

      “‘Yes,’ he sez, ‘it’s about time I had another fit.’

      “‘Have it now,’ I sez, ‘don’t mind me.’

      “That night, when we was all cleanin’ up for commondin’ officer’s parade, an’ the barrackroom was full, Nobby suddenly stood up, moanin’ like anything.

      “‘I see!’ he sez starin’ about him, ‘a man with a ugly mug. ‘E’s a-standing’ on the blink — I mean brink of destruction.’

      “We all walks over an’ looks at Nobby. He was a ghastly sight, rollin’ his eyes an’ moanin’.

      “‘I see a chap,’ sez Nobby, twistin’ about as if he’d swollered a corkscrew, ‘wot pretends to tell fortunes by cards. ‘E’s standin’ on the brink of destruction too.’

      “‘Wake up, Nobby,’ I sez, soothin’ him; ‘it’s all right.’

      “‘I see,’ began Nobby again, an’ just at that minute in walks the colour-sergeant.

      “He looks at Nobby rollin’ an’ squirmin’ about, an’ then sez to me:

      “‘Are you the oldest soldier here, Smith?’

      “‘Yes, colour-sergeant,’ I sez.

      “‘Well,’ sez the colour bloke, ‘take a couple of men an’ put Private Clark in the guardroom.’

      “‘Wot for?’ sez Nobby, wakin’ up sudden from his trance.

      “‘Drunk,’ sez the colour-sargeant.

      “‘I ain’t drunk,’ roars Nobby, very indignant.

      “‘Pretendin’ to be drunk, then,’ sez the colour-sergeant; ‘that’s worse.’

      “‘I’m seein’ spirits,’ sez Nobby.

      “‘You’ve, been drinkin’ ‘em,’ sez the colour bloke, an’ Nobby was so wild that it took six of us to get him to the guairdroom.

      “You might say seven,” added Smithy, “for Old Mouldy did the work of two men.”

10. Boots

       Table of Contents

      Young and growing soldiers are prone to wear boots that are too small and too narrow mainly because of their smart appearance. — Army Council Memorandum to Officers.

      “I SHOULDN’T like to be on the Army Council,” said Smithy, with all seriousness.

      I looked at my young military friend with feigned surprise.

      “No, I ain’t coddin’,” he said earnestly. “I s’pose it’s a good job; but never ‘avin’ been an officer, I can’t say what it’s like. But stands to reason it’s a wearin’ sort of life.

      “Suppose the Army Council’s meetin’ to-day, the orderly on duty lights a fire, gets out new pens and blottin’ paper, an’ Army Form B47, just the same as if it was a court-martial — and,” said Smithy, as a brilliant idea came to him— “it is a court-martial, and the Army’s the prisoner.

      “Well, in comes the Court, all in civilian clothes, Lyttelton in a soft felt ‘at, an’ Plumer in a red necktie, and Douglas got up to the nines.

      “‘Wot’s on to-day?’ sez Lyttelton.

      “Reformin’ the Army,’ sez all the others together.

      “‘Rot,’ sez Lyttelton. ‘I don’t believe the Army wants reformin’ — except reformin’ back to the place it was when civilians started holdin’ post-mortems on it.’

      “‘‘Ear, ‘ear,’ sez all the Army Council, except Lord Don’t-Know-Who, who looked embarrassed, ‘e bein’ a civilian.

      “Wot about tight boots?’ sez Some One after a long pause, durin’ which the Financial Secretary was doin’ sums on the blottin’ paper an’ crossin’ ’em out when ‘e found they was wrong.

      “‘Ah,’ sez Some One Else, ‘wot about tight boots?’ So they all sits round givin’ their opinions why soldiers should be Ugly and Comfortable.

      “Well, after a bit they make up an order: —

      “No lady-killin’ boots allowed. Soldiers in possession of boots weighin’ eight ounces will immediately exchange them for boots of the Regulation (or Policeman) Pattern, weighin’ four pound. ‘Fiat experimentum in corpore vili,’ or ‘If necessary make the experiment on a villainous corporal.’

      “Yours truly,

      “THE ARMY COUNCIL.”

      “Then they all get up an’ stretch their legs.

      “‘What’s on tomorrer?’ СКАЧАТЬ