THE SMITHY & NOBBY COLLECTION: 6 Novels & 90+ Stories in One Edition. Edgar Wallace

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СКАЧАТЬ it’s boots, sometimes it’s swearin’, sometimes it’s ‘air — an’ the ‘smart, soldierlike appearance’ order: this new order about boots, though, rather takes it.”

      Smithy’s “It” is fairly obvious.

      “They was talkin’ about it in the canteen yesterday, when me an’ Nobby went over to get our dinner beer.

      “Wilkie — that red-lookin’ chap with the shavin’-brush moustache — was puttin’ it about that the order was only meant for ‘B’ Company.

      “‘Don’t none of you chaps get worried about it,’ sez Wilkie, who’s an ‘H’ chap. ‘This ‘ere order’s only meant for chaps with big feet tryin’ to pretend they’re Cinderellas.’

      “‘Meanin’ me, Wilkie?’ sez Nobby.

      “‘No names, no pack drill,’ sez Wilkie.

      “‘Meanin’ me, you red-’aired Bloomsbury scavenger?’ sez Nobby.

      “‘If the cap — meanin’ to say the boot — fits you, Private Clark, lace it up,’ sez Wilkie; ‘an’, what’s more.’ ‘e sez, ‘don’t forget the last Army order about swearin’ an’ losing your temper.’

      “Next day,” continued Smithy, “was commandin’ officers’ parade, an’ when the company officers walked round the ranks there was trouble.

      .”’Where’s your boots?’ sez the captain to young Skipper Mainland.

      “‘Under my trousers,’ sez Skipper.

      “‘Too small,’ sez the officer; ‘put this man down for a new pair, colour-sergeant.’

      “‘What’s these, Clark?’ sez the officer.

      “‘My feet, sir,’ sez Nobby, gettin’ red in the face.

      “Beg pardon,’ sez the officer, I thought they was a pontoon section,’ ‘e sez and we all laughed.

      “I tell you,” said Smithy enthusiastically, “our officer’s a comic chap.

      “That night you couldn’t get into the ‘Igh Street for feet. All the chaps was wearin’ their biggest boots, an’ one chap standin’ on the kerb got ‘is toes run over by a tramcar the other side of the street — in a manner of speaking,” corrected Smithy hastily.

      “‘Oo should we meet when me an’ Nobby was strollin’ down Church Lane but Wilkie. Nice toonic, smart tight trousers with officers’ stripes in ‘em, saucy little boots, an’ a cane with a silver knob on the end of it — that’s Wilkie.

      “‘Hullo, Wilkie,’ sez Nobby, ‘wot Christmas-tree did you blow orf of?’

      “Wilkie looked a bit pleased with hisself, an’ was goin’ to say somethin’, when up comes the Provost Sergeant with ‘is badge on ‘is sleeve.

      “‘Evenin’, Sergeant,’ sez Wilkie very pleasant.

      “But the Provost Sergeant didn’t say nothin’, only looked at Wilkie’s feet

      “‘Nice weather for this time of the year,’ sez Wilkie. ‘It is indeed,’ e sez.

      “But Provost Sergeant only stared at Wilkie’s feet.

      “So Wilkie got red in the face.

      “‘Beg pardon, sergeant,’ e sez; ‘nothing wrong, I ‘ope?’

      “The Provost just kept on lookin’. Then ‘e said, speakin’ slowly, like a chap recitin’:

      “‘The proper fittin’ of boots on which the marchin’ of an army depends is a matter of the first importance,’ ‘e sez.

      “Wilkie looks at ‘im; so did me an’ Nobby.

      “‘I don’t do no marchin’ in these boots,’ sez Wilkie, an’ my boots an’ Nobby’s sort of shuffled into the gutter out of sight.

      “‘Young soldiers,’ sez the Provost Sergeant, takin’ no notice of what Wilkie said, are prone—’

      “‘Are what?’ sez Wilkie.

      “‘Are prone to take a boot too short — in fact,’ sez the Provost Sergeant, ‘where did you get them ridiculous lady’s shoes from, Mr. Bloomin’ Wilkie?’

      “‘ I got ‘em,’ sez Wilkie, from — .

      “‘No man who wasn’t a lunatic would wear such fal-lal; they was meant for women, not soldiers.’

      “‘I got ‘em—’ sez Wilkie.

      “‘Makin’ yourself a laughin’-stock,’ sez the Provost, gettin’ wild, ‘wearin’ boots that nobody but a fatheaded, dandified, ijiotic recruit would think of disgracin’ ‘is foot by puttin’ inside.’

      “‘I got ’em off the Colonel’s groom,’ sez Wilkie, short.

      “‘Where’d ‘e get ‘em?’ sez the Provost.

      “‘They’re a pair of the Colonel’s old ‘uns,’ sez Wilkie, what ‘e got rid of — they was too big,’ e sez.”

11. Ju-Jitsu

       Table of Contents

      Politics form no part of the barrackroom debating society. Mr. Atkins lives in a world of his own, and is not interested in the subjects that agitate his civilian brother.

      He is interested in personalities, certainly, and Mr. Chamberlain and Lord Rosebery are very real persons to him; but talk about the respective merits of Free Trade and Protection and he will yawn. Very high politics, politics that make for war; parliamentary proceedings that have direct bearing upon pay, promotion, and uniform, are of the first importance; and does an hon. member ask the Secretary of State for War whether his attention has been called to the refusal of the proprietor of the “Green Man” to supply two soldiers in uniform with liquid refreshment, that hon. member may be certain that he will achieve a popularity out of all proportion to the service he has rendered the Army.

      High politics include, of course, the Russo-Japanese War. As to the cause of that unhappy conflict no opinion is offered, since that is a matter which does not greatly concern the soldier; but the conduct of the campaign has won unstinted admiration for the plucky little Easterners.

      I learnt this much from Smithy (we were watching an Army Cup match), and I learnt also that the popularity of a foreign Power may easily be exploited with profit.

      “We ‘ad a long talk about it the other night down in our room. Dusty Miller — him with the crooked nose — said that the Japs was winnin’ because they’d got a better rifle than the Russians. Jimmy Walters said it was because the officers was more friendly СКАЧАТЬ