Are You the One for Me?. Barbara Angelis De

Чтение книги онлайн.

СКАЧАТЬ things were ‘perfect,’ and to her ‘perfect’ meant no conflict, no differences, and most important, nothing about her partner she didn’t like. Tammy had grown up believing in Love Myth #3, that somewhere out there in the world, this ‘perfect’ man was waiting for her, and that he and only he would make her happy. So at the first sign of challenge in her relationships, she bailed out, unconsciously comparing her boyfriends with Mr. Perfect. Naturally, they all flunked the test. And in the process she never had an opportunity to truly appreciate the individual she was with and to fall in love with him.

      I worked with Tammy to help her understand the origin of her fantasy picture of men and how it prevented her from having any real relationships. Three months later she wrote me a letter to let me know she was dating her old boyfriend again. ‘I can’t believe how different it feels,’ she marveled. ‘He is the same person, but I’ve stopped expecting him to be perfect, and it’s making it so much easier to love him as he is.’

      2. It prevents you from being open to a new relationship after one has ended.

      The second problem with believing Love Myth #3 is that it can inhibit you from starting over again after the relationship you hoped would last a lifetime ends through breakup, divorce, or death. If you really believe in one true love, and you lose that person, you are left facing the rest of your life with a lonely heart, sure that no one could replace your mate.

      Several years ago, I met a woman through a mutual friend I’ll call Doris. Doris was sixty-one years old at the time and had been widowed for two years after almost forty years of marriage. Her husband had fought a long battle with cancer, and Doris had spent the past few years adjusting to life without him. Now, her family and friends were encouraging her to date again, but she was resistant and reluctant.

      ‘I had the love of my life,’ she explained to me over lunch. ‘We had many wonderful years together. Why should I run around trying to find someone who doesn’t exist to replace my husband? You only get one true love like that in a lifetime.’

      I explained to Doris that a new partner would never replace her deceased husband but would offer her an opportunity to experience a totally different relationship. ‘I don’t know,’ Doris said hesitantly. ‘I think I’m too old for that kind of thing.’

      Six months passed, and I received a phone call from Doris. ‘I think I need some help!’ she begged. Doris had met a sixty-four-year-old gentleman named Saul through a charity she was involved with. Saul had been divorced for fifteen years but had never found a partner he wanted to share the rest of his life with, until Doris. ‘He’s crazy about me!’ Doris explained. ‘And the scary part is, I think I’m crazy about him, too. We’ve been seeing each other for four months. At first I thought of him as an escort or companion to social engagements, but lately I can’t stand to be without him. Now he’s talking about marriage, and when he brings up the subject, I feel like I can’t breathe. I keep thinking about how different this relationship is from my marriage, and feeling like I already have a husband, so what am I doing with him?’

      ‘You’re loving him,’ I answered with a smile, ‘not in the same exact way you loved your husband, but in a new and different way. That’s what is so wonderful about love—you can experience it in so many different expressions.’

      ‘You mean it is okay for me to love him?’ Doris asked sheepishly.

      ‘It’s okay, Doris,’ I reassured her.

      Two months later, Doris and Saul were married. They are gloriously happy together, and from time to time Doris calls to tell me how she is doing. ‘I can’t get over this relationship!’ she always says. ‘I loved my first husband so much, but I love Saul just as much, only in different ways. Who would have thought a grandmother would get a second chance!’

      Doris almost missed out on a wonderful life with Saul by believing in Love Myth #3, that there is only one true love.

       THERE ARE MANY RIGHT PARTNERS FOR YOU

      The love reality for Love Myth #3 is:

       IT IS POSSIBLE TO EXPERIENCE TRUE LOVE WITH MORE THAN ONE PERSON—THERE ARE MANY POTENTIAL PARTNERS YOU COULD BE HAPPY WITH.

      I can’t tell you that there are X number of potential partners for each of us roaming around the earth, but I do know that the possibilities of your experiencing happiness in love are not limited to one person. I know from my own experience that the human heart has a tremendous capacity for loving, and that we limit the amount of love we allow ourselves to enjoy because of the Love Myths we believe. I believe that if you selected just about any two people in the world and stranded them alone on a deserted island for the rest of their lives, they would probably become romantic partners. While this may not be your romantic fantasy, it illustrates the point that the act of loving itself is inherently so enjoyable, that if given the opportunity we find ways to love people we thought we couldn’t.

      Each true love we have stretches our heart in a different direction, and each relationship serves us in a different way. Does this mean that it really doesn’t matter who you are with? Of course not—in fact, it makes the issue of compatibility even more important. Finding a partner with whom you are compatible, as well as one you love, is the formula for a healthy, lasting relationship.

      Love Myth 4

       The Perfect Partner Will Fulfill You Completely in Every Way

      Imagine sitting in a job interview for a position you are interested in.

      ‘Could you tell me about this job?’ you ask the person who would be hiring you to work for him.

      ‘Basically, I expect you to fulfill my every need. I expect you to know what I want, even when I don’t tell you what I want. I want you to read my mind and know all of my secret expectations and deliver them. I want you to have the answers for me when I am confused, cheer me up when I am down, and make me love myself more when I don’t feel confident. You will, of course, entertain me constantly so I never get bored, and enjoy all of my hobbies and interests so you can be the perfect companion.’

      I’m sure you agree that these expectations are outlandish and that no amount of money could tempt you to put yourself in such a highly pressured and impossible situation. And although this story is slightly exaggerated, the truth is that many of us walk into relationships unconsciously expecting our partner to fulfill our every need, and when they do not, we become resentful and disillusioned. I call this ‘setting someone up,’ especially because you may be unconscious of what some of those needs are and therefore can’t articulate them to the person you love.

      Here are the negative consequences of believing in Love Myth #4:

      1 You fail to recognize a good relationship because your partner isn’t fulfilling the needs you should be filling yourself.

      ‘I think I should divorce my husband,’ Andrea proclaimed as we sat in my office. She had made an appointment with me to discuss her relationship, which was in major crisis. Andrea was twenty-seven, cute, and very athletic-looking. She had been married to Benjamin for almost two years.

      ‘What’s the problem?’ I asked.

      ‘I don’t know,’ Andrea answered. ‘I’m just not happy. I thought marriage would be better than this, would change things for me, but it hasn’t seemed to make any difference, and I’m disappointed.’

СКАЧАТЬ