Are You the One for Me?. Barbara Angelis De

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СКАЧАТЬ guessed by now, I was a ‘love-at-first-sight-junkie’ myself. The more infatuated I felt with someone, the more credibility I gave my feelings about him and my new relationship. I’ll share more about my own mistakes in the following chapters of this book, but first let me tell you about how my search for instant chemistry came close to ruining my chances for true romantic happiness.

      About four years ago I was in the process of ending an extremely painful relationship with a man I had loved for a long time. I was fortunate enough to have two best friends, both male, named Kevin and Jeffrey. I originally met Kevin and Jeffrey through my seminar work, and they eventually became facilitators in my organization. Through their support I found the courage to admit to myself that I wasn’t getting what I wanted in my relationship, and to face the fact that I needed to leave.

      During the many months over which I came to terms with my decision, Jeffrey and I became very close. We talked every day on the phone. We worked on many projects together. We joked around that we were really like brother and sister, since we look alike. I knew women really found Jeffrey attractive, although I told myself he wasn’t my ‘type,’ and he would often kid me and say if he could find a woman like me, he’d take her. I found myself making excuses to see or talk to him, but I told myself it was just because I was going through such a hard time. I noticed we were finding more reasons to hug or touch one another, but I convinced myself it was because we felt so safe together.

      One evening as Kevin, Jeffrey, and I were in a meeting discussing some seminar business, Kevin looked at us and said, ‘What’s going on with the two of you?’

      ‘What do you mean? Nothing’s going on,’ I responded quickly.

      ‘Well, it’s just that when you are together, you look like you are in love,’ he answered.

      ‘Don’t be silly,’ said Jeffrey. ‘We are just great friends. You can’t actually believe that we would be any more than that, can you?’

      ‘All I know is that when I’m around you, it sure feels like more than friends,’ Kevin said with a smile. ‘Look, I’m going to leave the room now, so you can both talk about it.’ And with that, Kevin walked out.

      Jeffrey and I sat across from each other on the couch in silence. For a moment we looked into each other’s eyes, and then we both started to cry, for Kevin had put something into words that we had both avoided talking about, or even admitting to ourselves: We were indeed falling in love.

      Jeffrey reached out and took my hands. ‘I can’t believe this is happening,’ he said. ‘We are supposed to be just friends.’

      ‘Maybe it is just something temporary,’ I answered in a frightened voice. ‘Maybe we just think we feel this way, but it will pass.’

      And in that moment, I truly wanted to believe that my feelings for Jeffrey would fade, because I couldn’t totally accept the fact that I loved him. Dozens of questions forced their way into my mind all at once: If I loved him, why hadn’t I known about it until tonight? How could I feel so close to someone I hadn’t been attracted to initially? Since it hadn’t been love at first sight, did that mean the relationship would be passionless?

      Like many ‘Love-at-First-Sight junkies,’ I didn’t trust my feelings for someone unless they hit me over the head. I looked for all the wrong signals to determine whether I was ‘in love’—drama, intensity, fear of loss or abandonment, extreme highs and lows—all signs of an unhealthy relationship. For the first time in my life I had developed an emotional connection with a man based on friendship, trust, openness, safety, consistency, and true caring, and I hadn’t even recognized it because it felt too peaceful to be love.

      For several months I struggled with my emotions. One day I’d want to go ahead with the relationship, and the next day I’d decide that I was kidding myself and should break it off. There were many moments in which I questioned whether my feelings for Jeffrey were strong enough, all because the relationship had crept up on me rather than arriving all at once. I put poor Jeffrey through hell with my lack of certainty and came close to losing him for good. It took me almost a year to let go of my Love Myth about the way we should have met and the way I should have felt, and to finally appreciate the depth and the joy of how I did feel. That was four years ago, and looking back, I thank God that Jeffrey was so patient and that I didn’t throw away the best thing that ever happened to me. Instead I threw away the Love Myth that had gotten me into one dysfunctional relationship after another.

      A first impression of someone is not enough to determine whether he or she will be a healthy and loving partner. You need a second, third, fourth, and fifth impression. You need time to discover someone’s character, not just their exterior.

       Remember: Falling in love is the easy part, but building a healthy relationship takes hard work.

      Love Myth 3

       There Is Only One True Love in the World Who Is Right for You

      There comes a time in every relationship when we ask ourselves this question:

      ‘Is he the one for me?’

      or

      ‘Is she the one for me?’

      Part of the problem we have answering this question is the phrase ‘the one.’ It assumes that for each person in the world, there is one and only one right partner, and we need to find that person or we will never be happy. No imposters will do, no imitations. We must make sure we have fallen in love with our real soulmate.

      So when we are single, we walk through life suspiciously scrutinizing each potential partner, cataloging every flaw as evidence that this is not ‘the one.’ The one would be a better dancer; the one wouldn’t have two children from a previous marriage; the one would be making more money; the one wouldn’t be ten pounds overweight. But in our attempt to avoid making a mistake and missing out on our one true love, we often deprive ourselves of experiencing truly wonderful relationships.

      And when we are in a relationship, especially during rough times, we secretly ask ourselves, ‘I wonder if ______ is really my perfect mate? I wonder if there is someone else out there somewhere who I would be happier with?’

      Here are the consequences of believing Love Myth #3:

      1 You compare your partner to your fantasy picture of ‘the one’ and miss out on appreciating their uniqueness.

      Tammy was a very attractive, outgoing thirty-four-year-old flight attendant who came to one of my seminars in hopes of figuring out why she couldn’t develop a serious relationship with a man. ‘I don’t know what’s wrong with me,’ she began, ‘but all of my friends are either married or engaged or at least in love, and I can’t seem to find anyone who’s right for me.’

      ‘Do you date a lot?’ I asked.

      ‘That’s just it—I meet guys all the time who are interested in me, and at first I feel really enthusiastic about them. But within a month or two I get turned off and stop seeing them. Last year I thought I’d finally found someone I could really spend my life with. We went together for eight months. And for the first four or five, everything was perfect. But then little things about him started to bother me, and for the last few months of our relationship we fought all the time until I finally broke it off.’

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