All About Me: Loving a narcissist. Simon Crompton

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       Exploiting others

      This was not a relationship of equals. Good relationships revolve around being able to maintain one’s own sense of self while allowing a partner to manifest their own identity too – preferably with the two of you also boosting each other’s sense of self-worth. But John depended on Rosie for his self-esteem, and nothing went the other way. He humiliated her and exploited her in quite a demoralising way. It was the way he propped up his own entirely artificial sense of confidence.

       Lacking empathy

      It was impossible for John to see things from Rosie’s perspective. He couldn’t see how infuriating his behaviour was, or how it made Rosie suffer. And it’s all because he had created a delusional world where he was centre stage – there’s no room for anyone else. Only his own emotions mattered – and his dramatic, but staged, demonstration of anger by hitting a wall is a revealing gesture from a man who could not bear to be ignored by those who should be reflecting his importance.

       Envious of others

      John wasn’t just envious of Rosie, her painting skill, and her interests. He was envious of her friends – and the fact that they might have some sort of hold on Rosie. Because narcissists are so choosy about who to spend time with, they are deeply suspicious and jealous of others who spend time with their chosen ones. Other people are not to be enjoyed or interacted with in their own right – they are either reflectors of grandiosity, or competitors.

      That’s five out of the list. No doubt, you’ll probably now be applying those criteria to yourself and those you know. Fair enough – some of these are traits found to a certain extent in everyone. But do remember (and this is something we’ll deal with more in later chapters) that the American Psychiatric Association’s checklist of traits was designed to help psychiatrists identify people with a personality disorder characterised by narcissism. And though the list forms a useful baseline for establishing narcissistic behaviour, being able to tick those boxes doesn’t necessarily mean that the person has a personality disorder – just one per cent of the population are believed to have an actual narcissistic personality disorder. So let’s try to refine the process of characterising narcissists a bit further.

      ARE YOU IN A NARCISSISTIC RELATIONSHIP? THE CHECKLISTS

      You can use these checklists on behalf of your partner or yourself (if you’re self-aware enough). Tick those statements below that tally with your behaviour or that of your partner. I’ve organised the questions into two groups of ten. The first group of ten questions deals with milder narcissistic traits – the sorts that are found in many people. If you or your partner score five or over in this section, it doesn’t necessarily mean you have a major problem, but it does mean that narcissistic traits may be causing unhappiness in your relationship.

      People who score over five in the first questionnaire should move on to the second checklist. This itemises more serious narcissistic traits. If you score five or more on this one, it’s quite likely that narcissism is ruining your life.

      Try to answer the following questions honestly, thinking about examples from your own life that might fit in with the description. But check each time that it really does fit, and it’s not just a case of you wanting it to because you’ve made up your mind already. In phrasing these questions I’ve assumed, for the sake of convenience, we’re talking about a male partner.

       Mild narcissistic traits

      

Does he ever seem to exaggerate his achievements?

       For example, will the meal he cooked for you last night be the most fabulous thing you ever tasted when you talk about it the next day (though in fact it was a bit average)?

      

Does he have a naturally arrogant manner?

       Does his haughtiness sometimes make you feel like an inferior being?

      

Does he expect you to meet his needs, even though he hasn’t stated them?

       Are you left feeling angry that he has unreasonable expectations of you, for example?

      

Is he unusually concerned about how others view him?

       For example, is he always conscious of ‘images’ and how he projects himself to the outside world?

      

When you’re together, do you spend more time talking about him than you?

       For example, does the conversation always seem to turn away from generalities to specifics about his life?

      

Is he subject to whims?

       For example, will he change his look, his interests and his hobbies at the drop of a hat?

      

Is he extremely sensitive to criticism?

       For example, do you often find yourself forcibly stopping yourself from saying what you think, for fear of how he might react?

      

Is he obviously flirtatious with other women?

       Does he often seem interested in other women, but always insists that you are the only one he could ever love?

      

Do you feel you have to do most of the work when it comes to keeping the relationship going?

       Does it seem that he takes you for granted in a way he never did at the start of your relationship?

      

Do you feel emotionally drained by how much effort it seems to take to keep your partner happy?

       Does he expect that you should do everything?

       Serious narcissistic traits

      

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