All About Me: Loving a narcissist. Simon Crompton
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Название: All About Me: Loving a narcissist
Автор: Simon Crompton
Издательство: HarperCollins
Жанр: Общая психология
isbn: 9780007585977
isbn:
Moreover, Holmes often publicly humiliates Watson, chastising him for being dimwitted. Love and empathy are rarely on display in Holmes – apart from in one particular case, the famous A Scandal in Bohemia, where Watson gives an account of the only glimmering of romantic admiration Holmes ever displayed. In fact, it merely serves to illustrate his emotional iciness.
To Sherlock Holmes she is always THE woman. I have seldom heard him mention her under any other name. In his eyes she eclipses and predominates the whole of her sex. It was not that he felt any emotion akin to love for Irene Adler. All emotions, and that one particularly, were abhorrent to his cold, precise but admirably balanced mind. He was, I take it, the most perfect reasoning and observing machine that the world has seen, but as a lover he would have placed himself in a false position. He never spoke of the softer passions, save with a gibe and a sneer. They were admirable things for the observer – excellent for drawing the veil from men’s motives and actions.
Holmes is not interested in having relationships with people – he’d rather use them as a source of stimulation for his constantly restless brain. To the narcissistic personality, others can be merely a means to distract, entertain or glorify. And Watson is the main instrument of his manipulation. In The Adventure of the Copper Beeches, Holmes coolly criticises Watson for the way he is writing up his accounts of the sleuth’s deductive brilliance, putting too much emotion into his records rather than the bare facts.
‘It seems to me that I have done you full justice in the matter,’ I remarked with some coldness, for I was repelled by the egotism which I had more than once observed to be a strong factor in my friend’s singular character.
‘No, it is not selfishness or conceit,’ said he, answering, as was his wont, my thoughts rather than my words. ‘If I claim full justice for my art, it is because it is an impersonal thing – a thing beyond myself …’
Sherlock Holmes had been silent all the morning, dipping continuously into the advertisement columns of a succession of papers until at last, having apparently given up his search, he had emerged in no very sweet temper to lecture me upon my literary shortcomings.
In Sam Vaknin’s terms, a classic cerebral narcissist. If he had been around today, Watson would be declaring to the world that he was a victim of narcissistic emotional abuse.
It’s on this last, perhaps most practical, aspect that this book focuses, but it will touch on all the other areas in the process. Narcissism is anathema to relationships, which by their very nature cannot revolve around one ‘self’. Even in its milder everyday forms, narcissism can cause annoyance that may escalate into larger problems with relationships at home and work. At the more extreme end, it may be ruining your life.
So what effect is narcissism having on you? Read on, and the next chapter will try and help you find out.
Is there a narcissist in your life?
Sonia: ‘I love you, Alan.’
Alan Partridge: ‘Thanks a lot!’
I’M ALAN PARTRIDGE
BY STEVE COOGAN, ARMANDO IANNUCCI
AND PETER BAYNHAM, 2002
Let’s cut to the chase. Is your life being ruined by a narcissist? Let’s look at how narcissism manifests itself in our love lives and elsewhere. Could your partner, friends, relations or work colleagues be narcissistic?
Or, more unnervingly, could you be narcissistic? I pose that as a passing point, because if you really were a narcissist you probably wouldn’t be reading this. You would have either binned this book already, or concluded that it didn’t apply to you – but maybe to your friends and lovers instead. Self-delusion is one of the strongest traits of the true narcissist – the image they have created around themselves renders them largely impervious to self-analysis or criticism. So the main object of this chapter is not to crack the protective shell of genuinely narcissistic personalities. It’s really meant as a way of spotting the narcissists around us. But, at the same time, some of us with milder narcissistic traits may recognise something of ourselves in the characteristics described here. If you do, don’t call the men in white coats – at least, not for the time being.
Because that’s something we’ve got to bear in mind from the start. Not all narcissists are monsters. In some people this tendency to self-obsession is relatively mild, still allowing other people in. In others, it’s severe because the demands of the self are so great that they become hugely problematic.
Propping up one’s all-important self-esteem involves creating fantasies about one’s own worth, achievements and looks. It requires using other people to reflect glory and worth. The true narcissist needs other people only in so far as they can support their own fantasy image of themselves.
Some psychoanalysts and writers1 make a distinction between ‘healthy narcissism’ and ‘unhealthy narcissism’, with the unhealthy narcissist someone who, no matter what their age, has not yet developed socially or morally, and the healthy narcissist being someone who has a real sense of self-esteem that can enable them to leave their imprint on the world, but who can also share in the emotional life of others.
That may be a bit of an abrupt distinction, but it’s worth bearing in mind. For the rest of this book, I’ll try to give an indication of which end of the continuum we’re talking about, by referring to ‘people with narcissistic traits’ at the milder end, ‘narcissists’ towards the middle of the spectrum, and ‘narcissistic personalities’ at the more extreme end. It’s an inexact science – in fact, it’s not science at all – but it at least conveys the fact that in some people narcissistic traits are all-consuming, and in others they’re not.
Once we begin to recognise narcissistic traits, in ourselves and others, the possibility opens up of beginning to understand previously confusing, and even demeaning, situations. And understanding is the first step to resolving.
Let’s start by introducing you to a narcissist called John, recalled by former girlfriend Rosie in her own words. What Rosie has to say demonstrates exactly how narcissists wheedle their way into our hearts, but also how they drive us to distraction.