Boundaries: Say No Without Guilt, Have Better Relationships, Boost Your Self-Esteem, Stop People-Pleasing. Jennie Miller
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And underlying all of these:
• ‘I’m scared. I feel very frightened at the thought of walking into a gym, and above all else, I have a bigger fear of losing Liam.’
So how did Jennie advise the couple to find their way through all this emotional confusion and internalised chaos and start down the road to better self-care?
Having done the debating table exercise, Jennie asked them to listen to all their competing voices in this scenario and work out what each was trying to say, before making a decision about how to act.
Jennie unpicked some of their comments. She pointed out that Liam’s urge to join Grace and abandon his own exercise isn’t as kind as it sounds. This sort of care is colluding with the problem. Both would end up not going to the gym – and not forming a self-boundary around fitness – which ultimately would be the worst decision. Jennie noted none of his responses seemed to have been made in a considered here-and-now way. She commented that it would appear that his weak self-boundary put him at the mercy of his and Grace’s feelings and thoughts, buffeted about and feeling frustrated as a result.
Taking into account Grace’s feelings and thoughts, Jennie observed that there was little headspace here for thoughtful and reasoned decision-making. No wonder both were becoming entrenched in their positions.
This feeling of being stuck between a rock and a hard place with no other options is your alarm call that boundaries are missing or about to be breached, and a pause button is needed. In pressing that button, you will gain breathing space to assess your thoughts and feelings and become aware there are always more options. There is a way out.
So with Liam and Grace, Jennie explained that they needed to set and keep to clear self-boundaries around their own behaviour, and stop expecting the other to change and match them. That they needed to be more open about their thoughts and feelings, and stop expecting the other to mind-read, a common theme with couples.
Liam and Grace agreed to take a fresh look at the situation and map out a way they could resolve this together by accepting they had other mutual beneficial options.
Draw the Line: in any situation where you are trying to renew or develop self-boundaries, you need to make a plan. Be aware that the greatest pressure on you may well come from those closest to you because love can soften any boundary.
Liam and Grace’s plan looked like this:
Step 1: Liam sits down and asks for the TV to be turned off for five minutes.
Step 2: Liam states he is feeling uncomfortable about going to the gym but knows for his health he must maintain the routine.
Step 3: Grace authentically responds about how she is genuinely feeling. This means revealing she feels scared – and talking about her feelings rather than criticising Liam.
Step 4: This opens up a dialogue between them as to what is happening in the here and now.
Step 5: In understanding each other Liam still goes to the gym, but having assuaged her concerns, Grace agrees to accompany him the next time or she decides the gym isn’t for her, but agrees that it is right for him.
This is based on a conclusion that Liam going to the gym is to both their benefits; keeping Liam healthy will mean Grace doesn’t face the prospect of supporting or nursing him through chronic illness in later life. Meanwhile Liam can be supportive over Grace’s concerns about fitness but ultimately, she must make her own decision, and set her own self-boundary. That could look like Liam working out at the gym three times a week, and Grace deciding to swim at the local pool during two lunchtimes each week.
They both accept that this means slight timetable changes at home but have established fitness boundaries that are likely to last, based as they are on each individual’s own reasonable expectations and self-care, not the demands of others.
Draw the Line: bear in mind every boundary you bolster through reading this book will have a knock-on effect on another boundary, possibly one belonging to someone else.
Having just worked through an example of setting self-care boundaries around fitness, you will find that the same approach works for any boundary you are concerned about: examine the problem using the debating table, analyse where you can make changes, set a plan and execute it.
Before you move on, turn to your Learning Journal, and start your own plan for your fitness self-boundaries.
The self-boundary around what and how we eat – like those around fitness and sleep – is utterly essential for our physical and mental wellbeing. Yet it is a line many people find increasingly difficult to draw.
If you found the section subheading ‘Fitness’ not to your taste, the chances are you will have also felt a strong reaction to seeing the words ‘eating habits’ – perhaps even a judgemental one.
Now is not the time to be swayed off-course. Your dietary needs are important as being well-fuelled is not just an end in itself, it’s vital to establishing all your self-boundaries. Food for human beings is not an option or a luxury.
First, let’s make it plain that when we talk about eating habits we don’t just mean a diet to shed weight. We’re talking about a lifelong healthy attitude towards food and drink, which nourishes as well as pleases.
So what is your initial reaction to food? Tick any of these which apply:
‘I should be on a slimming diet, I shouldn’t eat sugar, I shouldn’t eat meat, I shouldn’t eat bread.’
• ‘I shouldn’t eat on the run, I should eat at a table.’
• ‘It’s my job to feed everyone else. I believe I am always having to cook even if I’m not hungry. I like to feed others.’
• ‘Men need to eat large portions of meat to stay strong.’
• ‘I eat a sandwich at my desk because that’s my workplace culture.’
• ‘I need to stop and eat. I must have three courses.’
• ‘I like keeping chocolate in the house as it tests my willpower and I feel good when others eat it and I don’t.’
• ‘I never allow myself what I would really like – a sticky bun. I’m an expert at counting calories.’
• ‘I’ve done every diet. None work.’
• ‘I don’t like it but I notice what other people eat, and I can’t seem to stop myself judging them in my head.’
Note any you recognise or endorse. Do they sound a little bossy or authoritative?
Other reactions might be more emotional, child-like, compliant, or rebellious:
• ‘I have to eat everything on my plate, I have to have pudding. I need to eat at a certain time. Food is comforting, soothing and/or rewarding.’
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