Boundaries: Say No Without Guilt, Have Better Relationships, Boost Your Self-Esteem, Stop People-Pleasing. Jennie Miller

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СКАЧАТЬ the edges as they stretch, scratch and snore. Your dog here is the one with the strong self-boundary as he or she has claimed the territory of the bed as their own and is defending it to the detriment of your sleep. How often have we heard pet owners ‘jokingly’ recount nights spent curled up at the edge of the bed while their Alsatian stretches out in luxury? They may then shrug and say, ‘What can you do? I wouldn’t be able to sleep without him.’

      If this is you, put the question of pets in your bed to your internal debating table. Which is the loudest voice at the table? Is it the Parental part of you, which has turned Fido into a substitute or additional child and worries about him feeling neglected or lonely if kept in another room? Is it your rebellious voice – maybe responsible for that defensive feeling mentioned earlier – saying, ‘My parents wouldn’t let me have a pet, so I am going to love this one however I choose and break all their rules’? Or, is it your anxious Child, who wants both the comfort of the living cuddly toy and the protection the dog represents against potential burglars or even monsters in the night?

      Listen to the voices but now challenge what they are saying. If Fido is there for comfort, but you are not sleeping well, how much good is that doing you? If you are sleeping eight good hours a night, that comfort would not be so necessary.

      Draw the Line: good self-care doesn’t equal self-spoiling. It’s not about indulging yourself but taking mature decisions.

      We’re going to assume that a mature dog or cat or a young animal can be trained. First, create a comfy sleeping area for them in a separate room well away from your own bedroom. Be consistent with not allowing them to sleep anywhere else. If they try to join you, cry or chew, be calm and reassuring but don’t give in. As with re-training children at night, do give it time. Be persistent and consistent. If this isn’t enough, you may want to bring in a dog behaviourist to help.

      Or is it your beloved keeping you awake? This may be through sleep talking, snoring, restlessness, duvet-hogging, hot flushes, early starts, or late nights. It may not be a new problem – but just because their sleeping behaviour is entrenched in your family bed there is no reason to put up with its consequences. All these problems have a root cause so that’s where you’ll find your sleep solution.

      Sleep talking: if this is the problem, don’t wake them up when it is happening. Reassure them in their sleep that everything is OK. Sleep talking is often the result of an anxious brain processing during the night. Talk to them about what might be troubling them and suggest that they write down their worries before they go to sleep. Through talking they may realise there is a problem to address, and want to get some outside help.

      Persistent snoring: this needs a chat with the GP to assess physical symptoms as snoring can be a sign of sleep apnoea and other breathing difficulties. A doctor may suggest lifestyle changes such as weight loss or interventions including day surgery. Perhaps this sounds like something which might lead to a row, with the non-snorer suffering guilt and the snorer feeling shame and resentment? But there is nothing wrong with caring for yourself and others, and this is a classic example of such a moment. By encouraging your snoring partner to seek help, you could well be encouraging them to make a dramatic improvement to their health overall. The peace at night is a beneficial by-product to the relationship as a whole – and who could argue with that?

      Restlessness: this can be caused by lifestyle issues such as caffeine consumption, not enough exercise, weight issues, or too much alcohol. This is a good example of where your self-boundaries can be weakened by someone else’s lack of boundaries. We’ll come back to this later in the book, but for now ask your partner what they can do to improve any/all of these areas.

      Duvet hogging: get two duvets.

      Hot flushes (for you and/or your partner): having your own duvet will help. A fan is useful, as is bedding made of natural fibres, including silk. Talk to your GP about natural ways to support the menopause and discuss whether hormone replacement therapy (HRT) might be right for you or your partner.

      Early starts or late nights: shift work can take a toll on many relationships because it does disturb everyone’s sleep. Simple tricks like leaving clothes for the next day in another room and minimising all chances of disruption can help. Sleep masks can be useful too. Conversations and mutual consideration are key.

      Draw the Line: self-boundaries don’t just mean being firm with ourselves, but with others. Sometimes the greatest threat to you building a strong set of self-boundaries comes from the person you love most.

      You’ll notice how in order to achieve your sleep self-boundary in a situation where you share your bed, your co-sleeper will have to put some boundaries in place too. Whether this means addressing their own health, their attitude to bedtime, or talking about their feelings more, your partner’s self-boundary is linked to yours. Throughout the book, there will be examples of this and sometimes you will find this challenging. Our self-boundaries are crucial to our personal wellbeing but they will have an effect on those closest to us. This is not a reason to give up as the case history on fitness in the next section shows.

       EXERCISE: Simple Body Scan(Listen to this exercise here)

      Trouble getting to sleep or maybe you suffer from 3 a.m. wakefulness? With time, this will help you to relax and head off to the Land of Nod.

      Practice this during the day when you can be on your own and not disturbed. Either lying in your bed or on a sofa, take a few breaths, settle yourself and close your eyes.

      Now imagine a light above your body. It can be any colour you find comforting – white, lilac, gold – and it can be warm or cool as suits your surroundings and mood.

      Start at your toes and visualise the light moving slowly up to your head and back down again, relaxing each muscle as you go. As it shines on different parts of your body, mentally and physically relax the muscles there.

      Allow yourself to sink into the bed and breathe slowly and deeply as you drift into sleep.

      Setting your sleep boundaries will start a virtuous circle. Engaging that considered voice – which has listened to all your internal opinions – when considering self-boundaries will help you to rest. Being more rested will allow you to engage that voice again when you need to review another self-boundary. Overall, be kind to yourself and know that rest is good. Take the pressure off.

      Now go to your Learning Journal and note the sleep self-boundaries you can start to work on.

Fitness

      In this section, we’ll introduce the self-boundaries you need to implement around exercise.

      Ask yourself this: what was your reaction to reading the section sub-heading ‘Fitness’? Did you want to skip this section? Perhaps you thought you didn’t need to read it, or were afraid – not just of what it might say but how it might make you feel?

      Write this feeling down. Which inner voice is talking, do you think? Perhaps it is a lofty, ‘I don’t need this,’ which sounds a bit like a Parent talking. Or maybe, ‘This feels exciting; I love running around,’ which is like a Child. An Adult response would be ‘I wonder what I can learn from this,’ however experienced or motivated you already are.

      We’re all aware these days of how vital it is to get and maintain fitness. Numerous studies have shown the benefits of regular exercise for cardiovascular and mental health. But, how do you draw the line between managing your body for optimum, age-related health and becoming СКАЧАТЬ