Boundaries: Say No Without Guilt, Have Better Relationships, Boost Your Self-Esteem, Stop People-Pleasing. Jennie Miller

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      • ‘I only feel OK if I have chocolate.’

      • ‘I don’t like to eat in front of other people.’

      • ‘I feel good empty.’

      • ‘I feel good full.’

      • ‘I’ll happily swap calories in food for calories in alcohol.’

      • ‘I toy with my food.’

      • ‘I believe I have food intolerances.’

      • ‘I get angry if I can’t get what I want to eat or when I want to eat.’

      • ‘Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.’

      • ‘I will eat what I like and hang the consequences.’

      You may have felt any or all of these at some time. So, how can you shift into an Adult, boundaried approach to eating?

       BRING IN THE BOUNDARIES:

      Your Eating Habits Plan

      We’re now going to show you how to make a plan around your eating so you can establish those dietary self-boundaries.

      First, ask yourself what statements did you agree with from the examples above? It is likely you will have reacted strongly to one set or the other.

      The first set – the Parental-type authoritative or judgemental messages – included: ‘you should do this’, ‘it’s bad to eat like that’. The second set are more emotional child-like messages: ‘I have to eat it all up’, ‘one biscuit isn’t enough’. Or you may be assailed by a mixture of the two. Let’s look at how you can break the cycle of messages and establish a new healthy self-boundary for each of your possible responses.

       If you agree with the parental-type messages

      First, acknowledge the problem. You may have already realised you cannot ignore those messages. Develop a mantra to use when you hear those voices. For example, ‘I hear you but that’s really not useful to me right now’.

      Admit the history of your habit. You may have been eating according to guidelines put in place 30 years ago (e.g., always eat your potatoes first, never eat meat on a Friday). But you can acknowledge that the habit is not relevant for you now and it is time to change. You can take a decision that is right for you today, not as a response to those past messages/beliefs.

      We’d like you to think of some strategies and note them down in your Learning Journal; these prompts will help you start:

      • Do you know the difference between feeling hungry and thirsty?

      • Focus on yourself and not what other people are eating.

      • Stop fixating on your own food choices.

      • Let others do the cooking; step back at least once a week.

      • Having examined your own behaviour, what three small changes could you put in place? Write these down. Now, make a plan of who or what is most likely to sabotage your updated eating habits and how you could stop them breaching your new self-boundaries. Note down every week in your Learning Journal how you feel. Don’t forget it takes a month to change a habit so be patient but consistent.

       EXERCISE: Reset the Work Lunch

      Did you nod in agreement at ‘I eat at my desk/on the run’? If so, you may be thinking: what’s wrong with that? I can keep working, and my boss sees how committed I am. Or if you are the boss, your employees can see how seriously you take your job.

      But consider, where is the enjoyment in what you are eating, or pleasure in having a break? Eating while working will involve gulping down your food – you may not feel full, you may eat for longer than you need, or you may suffer indigestion. You also risk not monitoring how you are feeling as you eat so may well eat more or less than you think.

      You are certainly denying yourself a natural break in the day. Is it really your boss’s and co-workers’ expectations that you should eat at your desk every day or are you buying into an unhealthy work culture? Rather than your boss respecting you for your devotion, they may see you as a bit of a doormat – and what happens to doormats? They get walked on.

      Draw the Line: don’t let fear or embarrassment get in the way of caring for yourself. You cannot support others until your own foundations are truly secure.

      Acknowledge that you are not caring for yourself either physically or practically in terms of your career with this action. Note that it will feel uncomfortable to change this behaviour. It is going to take a while to feel OK.

      Week One: make a contract with yourself. For the first five days, decide to leave your desk for 30 minutes at lunchtime – and set the time you will do this. It might be 12.30 p.m., 1 p.m., or 1.30 p.m. depending on what suits your work. You need to get up and walk away from your desk, taking your lunch with you, or going to another place like the canteen, a local café, or a bench in the park. Accept that you will feel uncomfortable but that sensation will change as you persist.

      Week Two: it may have been a bit bumpy (people might have wondered where you were, phones may have gone unanswered, but the world of work has not fallen apart) so now you need to firm up that boundary – and give yourself 60 minutes. It may help to note the benefits at this point: you get to recharge your batteries, you talk to different work colleagues in the canteen, you notice you no longer get heartburn in the afternoon, you see other colleagues develop the confidence to do the same, and you realise your boss may respect you more.

      Week Three: walking to get your lunch is becoming part of your fitness regime. You concentrate on what you eat and therefore take a healthier portion. You may find yourself losing weight and sleeping better. Your self-boundaries are working in harmony and supporting each other.

      Bear in mind for this to be maintained long term, it has to be within the parameters of reality. You know what your job demands and when the busy periods are. If you’re in a customer-facing position, your lunch may have to come at 2 p.m. or even 3 p.m., but it can still be a ring-fenced time and a much-needed break.

      Week Four: make sure you notice the longer-term positives. These might be: better-quality lunches, improved relations with colleagues, a feeling of freshness in the afternoon and a renewed enthusiasm towards your job.

       If you agree with the Child-like messages

      If your dominant messaging around food is Child-like, how can you begin to eat in a more Adult fashion?

      To start with, when you sit down to a meal, take a moment to register how you feel. Your Child-like attitudes are emotional, not cerebral. Give yourself some space to let those feelings float up to the surface so you can acknowledge them.

      Again, using your Learning Journal to make notes, decide on several changes and see how that makes you feel. For example, you could practice leaving food on your plate once you reach the point of fullness (not forcing yourself to ‘eat it all up’). Avoid hoarding sweet treats, and explore your diet. You don’t have to eat the way you always have – you can choose from now on.

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