Overheard. Mark Love
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Название: Overheard
Автор: Mark Love
Издательство: HarperCollins
Жанр: Зарубежный юмор
isbn: 9780007353637
isbn:
CAMERON: (exasperated) Look, you’re not getting this, are you? It’s fourteen minutes long!
A man ambles in to a post office clutching a bundle of papers. He joins the end of the long queue and catches the attention of the women in front of him.
MAN: Excuse me, do you know where the council offices are? It says in this letter that I’ve got to go to Pilgrim’s Place.
OLD WOMAN: Pilgrim’s Place? Pilgrim’s Place! Oh yes, you go out of here to Market Square. Do you know where that is?
MAN: No, I don’t know Bedford.
OLD WOMAN: Right. Do you know the Harper Centre?
MAN: No, I don’t know Bedford.
OLD WOMAN: Do you know where Boots is?
MAN: No, I don’t know Bedford.
OLD WOMAN: Hmmm.
SECOND WOMAN: There’s no point us trying. He doesn’t know Bedford!
A man is in an independent retailers stocking up with medicines. He puts his purchases down in front of the checkout assistant.
CHECKOUT: Oh, excuse me a minute, sir, I’ll just need to call the supervisor.
The supervisor, who happens to be in earshot, strolls over and takes a look at the four packs of paracetamol and one pack of aspirin.
SUPERVISOR: That’s okay, Mandy. Sir, I’m afraid we’ll have to process these as single purchases.
MAN: I have to pay for them separately?
SUPERVISOR: Yes, sir. ’Spolicy.
MAN: I don’t understand. You mean you want me to do five separate transactions with my debit card?
SUPERVISOR: Yes, sir. Sorry, sir, ’spolicy.
The people in the queue behind the man begins to mutter darkly.
MAN: But they’re what? Forty pence each?
SUPERVISOR: Nothing I can do, sir. ’Scompany policy.
MAN: O-kay.
The supervisor moves on. The queue mutters ever more darkly behind the man as he falteringly proceeds with his purchases.
MAN: So is this about preventing suicides or something?
CHECKOUT: Dunno. Just can’t do it.
With all purchases made, the man offers a regretful smile to the grumpy elderly gentleman behind him in the queue.
ELDERLY GENTLEMAN: If the buggers want to die, bloody let ’em! That’s what I say!
Muttered agreement along the length of the queue.
Two girlfriends are at lunch.
1: I thought you were stuck on that accountant bloke.
2: No. Turns out he had a real fetish for Oriental women.
1: What about the pilot?
2: Jim? Rich Jim, the American? Oh, he wasn’t a pilot, he just owned a few planes, a Ferrari, a vintage Morgan, a beach house in LA, a condo in Miami…
1: Hmm, the man who has everything, eh?
2: Exactly. Including a god-awful scar where his willy used to be. Bicycle accident when he was young.
1: Bicycle accident?
2: Yes. I mean you could forgive him a glorious motorbike accident, couldn’t you? But not amputation by pushbike.
Two middle-aged ladies are riding the lift in a bargain clothing store.
WOMAN 1: (tsk) Look at me! Thirty-two pounds just on underwear.
WOMAN 2: Oh give over! There’s shops you can spend thirty-two pounds on a single bra!
WOMAN 1: (tutting) A single bra…I mean, it won’t last and who’s going to see it?
Woman 1 exits the lift, her friend following just behind.
WOMAN 2: You speak for yourself!
An elderly mother and her thirty-something daughter are seating themselves at a street-side cafe.
MOTHER: Oh my word, you know I just can’t cope with these shopping marathons any more. All these people!
DAUGHTER: Mmmm. I hate it when the sales are on. Everybody’s just so rude. And the sale stuff is just rubbish! I didn’t see a bloody thing I wanted all day.
MOTHER: Oh well, at least the one good thing that came out of today was that I managed to get that new washing line at last.
DAUGHTER: Well, that and Dad getting the all-clear from cancer.
MOTHER: Oh yes. There was that, wasn’t there.
Two teenagers are walking across the town centre dressed for a night out, hunched up against the cold and chatting loudly.
GIRL 1: I mean, I’ve seen Phil in the shower, I’ve seen Mick naked and I’ve seen Alan’s bare arse. I’m telling you, I’ve seen it all!
GIRL 2: Ooh…
She shudders.
GIRL СКАЧАТЬ