Overheard. Mark Love
Чтение книги онлайн.
Читать онлайн книгу Overheard - Mark Love страница 6
Название: Overheard
Автор: Mark Love
Издательство: HarperCollins
Жанр: Зарубежный юмор
isbn: 9780007353637
isbn:
WOMAN: But how can yer do it? You can’t. It’s not possible to cheat on yer Nan!
GRANDMOTHER: Shhh.
WOMAN: I’m not using you. Yer me Nan! But yer shutting me out. It’s like, cos I’ve decided I’m doing this, yer shutting me out and I’ve got to do it all on me own. Yer shutting me out!
GRANDMOTHER: Don’t you think I’m entitled to shut you out after all what you’ve done?
WOMAN: But yer me Nan! I’d let you stay at my place any time you wanted. I’d let you eat me food, ’ave a bath, anything! Cos you’re my Nan!
GRANDMOTHER: Shhhh.
WOMAN: And I moved out of your house to give you more room. That’s what I did for you! And now yer shutting me out. I’m not cheating you. You can’t cheat yer Nan!
A publisher stands before her assembled staff to deliver a rousing, morale-boosting speech.
PUBLISHER:…so I know we’ve had our problems. I know that the recent redundancies have caused insecurity, as has the speculation about the ownership of the title, but I want you…or rather I want us, to now put all that behind us and concentrate on building a future for ourselves and the magazine. Today is year zero. Nothing that happened before today matters. All disputes are forgiven and forgotten. Clear slates all around and that includes the naysayers too. I want a better attitude, a more positive attitude. No more grumbling in corners. If you’ve got something to say, you can come and say it to me direct, I won’t hold it against you. Remember—year zero, all right? Okay, let’s go to lunch.
SUB-EDITOR: (quietly) Er, wasn’t year zero the process of systematic slaughter of innocent people by an insane dictator?
STAFF WRITER: Yup. Business as usual then.
A woman in a dry-cleaner’s shop pulls a coat out of a bag.
WOMAN: I’d like to have this cleaned, please.
DRY-CLEANER: Right, that’ll be…What’s that?
WOMAN: It’s a coat, a man’s coat.
DRY-CLEANER: What’s that on it?
WOMAN: What?
DRY-CLEANER: (pointing) There.
WOMAN: Oh, I expect it’s a cat hair, I caught the cat sleeping on it.
DRY-CLEANER: Well I can’t accept that, I’m afraid.
WOMAN: I beg your pardon?
DRY-CLEANER: I’m not touching it. I have an allergy.
WOMAN: It’s just a cat hair.
DRY-CLEANER: I’m sorry but I can’t accept it. If you take it away and remove any cat hair I’ll be pleased to clean it.
WOMAN: You mean take it away and clean it? Don’t you think I brought it to you because I wanted it cleaned?
DRY-CLEANER: I can’t take it, sorry.
WOMAN: This is ridiculous! You must have dozens of things brought in every day that have cat hairs on them! You seriously expect me to take this home, clean it, and then bring it back for you to clean it again?
DRY-CLEANER: Sorry. I’ve got an allergy.
WOMAN: (furious) Has it ever occurred to you that you might have gone into the wrong profession?
She exits in a swirl of loose cat hair.
Note: The dry-cleaners went out of business two weeks later.
An announcement at a south London railway station.
ANNOUNCER: Passengers awaiting the next Victoria train…Ladies and gentlemen, you’re going to love this one. Well, you’re not, but anyway…The reason your next Victoria-bound train is running late, ladies and gentlemen, is apparently due to there being a crisp packet on the line at Carshalton Beeches. Imagine that, eh? Gord knows how many tons of brand-new passenger train brought to a standstill by a crisp packet. Just think, ladies and gentlemen, if the Kuwaitis had scattered a couple of dozen Golden Wonder packets in front of Saddam’s tanks, the war might never have ’appened.
An indignant sixth-former holds forth on that year’s notorious New Year’s party, which took place at her house.
GIRL 1: And you’ll never guess what happened.
GIRL 2: Oh, is this about M and A?
GIRL 1: Yeah, I mean, did you hear? On my bed. I don’t think that’s right, do you? That’s minging. Dan? Dan, if you were at someone’s party would you do it on their bed?
DAN: What?
GIRL 2: You know—do it. On someone’s bed?
DAN: Hhhmm.
GIRL 1: I mean, that’s bad enough. But she said to me, ‘Oh we did it on your bed, not in your bed.’ Like that’s supposed to make it all right! Not in my bed but on it! I mean, like, urghh! I mean, would you have done it on my bed, Dan?
Dan considers this very carefully.
DAN: No, I don’t think I’d have done it on your bed. I think I’d probably have done it on your floor. Next to your bed but not on your bed.
Girl 1 and Girl 2 regard Dan incredulously.
DAN: What?
Girl 1 and Girl 2 tut.
DAN: You know, I’m surprised someone hasn’t warned him about that girl.
A son, who has just arrived home from work, answers the phone.
MOTHER: Hello, СКАЧАТЬ