Overheard. Mark Love
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Название: Overheard
Автор: Mark Love
Издательство: HarperCollins
Жанр: Зарубежный юмор
isbn: 9780007353637
isbn:
SARAH: Oooh! Northern men!
RACHEL: S’up, love, ’as he upset you?
SARAH: Oooh, no more than usual! I ’aven’t seen him for three weeks and I ’aven’t spoken to him for two, and I’m telling him how much I miss him and that I love him and do you know what he says?
RACHEL: Go on.
SARAH: He says ‘similar’. Five bloody years we’ve been together and he says ‘similar’. Men!
Dad is just serving up a not-terribly appealing lunch.
DAD: There you go! Amazing all this, isn’t it? I mean, imagine being able to freeze rice. Fantastic.
TOMMY: (poking the contents of his plate nervously) Dad, how did you cook this?
DAD: What, the rice? You just bung it in a pan of boiling water for fifteen minutes or so.
TOMMY: But Dad, doesn’t ordinary rice take 15 minutes to cook?
DAD: Oh I don’t know. Perhaps.
TOMMY: But, Dad, if you boil frozen rice for fifteen minutes doesn’t it turn into a gluey, sticky mass like this?
DAD: (peeved) Well I thought it was all right!
TOMMY: Dad, if you’re cooking the ordinary rice and frozen rice for the same amount of time, then what is the point of having frozen rice?
DAD: Well you can store it in the freezer, can’t you!
A group of old friends are taking stock at a wedding.
RYAN: I mean, this is beautiful and everything. It feels like these two, you know…You know what I mean? But look at us. Jesus. This finishes at twelve and where are we going then? Bed! BED! What happens? I mean, what happened to the kids who couldn’t get enough of everything? You know, EVERYTHING! Drugs, booze, the lot. What happens? How does it happen?
CRAIG: I don’t know, mate, it just does. Anybody want a last one?
CARL: I could squeeze half in.
TESS: Orange juice, please!
RYAN: Yeah, go on then. Mineral water for me, thanks.
A nuclear family is browsing through the bathroom displays at their local DIY store.
DAD: That’d look good.
MUM: Dunno. Might be a bit, you know.
DAD: Suppose so.
DAUGHTER: Mummy, I used the loo!
MUM: (to Dad). What do you think of that tub? Not the taps just the tub.
DAD: I don’t like the taps.
MUM: Not the taps, just the tub.
DAD: It’s just a tub, isn’t it?
DAUGHTER: Mummy, Mummy! I used the loo.
MUM: Shhhhh! Yes, darling, I heard you the first time. Look, I’ll take you in a minute. Mummy and Daddy want to look at the bathtubs.
Their baby son in his pushchair begins to whine.
DAD: Oh now look!
DAUGHTER: Mummy, I did it in the loo.
MUM: Isabelle, stop shouting! Look, you’ve woken your brother now! All Daddy and me wanted to do was to have five minutes looking at bathtubs, but oh no! Come on then, madam, let’s find you a loo.
DAUGHTER: Mummy, I used the loo!
DAD: What is she talking about?
MUM: I don’t know, she says she used the—Oh. Isabelle, darling, which loo did you use?
DAUGHTER: (pointing to a display) That one!
MUM: Oh you didn’t. Tell me you didn’t.
She opens the loo lid.
MUM: Oh for god’s sake, Isabelle!
A former high-profile female politician at lunch.
POLITICIAN: It breaks my heart. You wouldn’t believe how many MPs are gay, the married ones too. It breaks my heart. Good, normal men made to hide their true feelings like this because the blue rinse and rubber chicken brigade out in the constituencies think it’s against nature. It’s barbaric. So much of Parliament, the Lords especially, is like that though. It’s the 1990s and yet they still spend hours and hours debating whether or not the Lord Chancellor should have to wear tights. Is it any wonder that I got fed up?
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