e: A Novel. Matt Beaumont

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      re… sort it

      I’ve e-mailed your lord and master twice this morning, to no avail. You have also fobbed me off on the phone. You’ll know me well enough by now to appreciate that patience doesn’t figure in my genetic make-up. So let’s keep this simple. The Coke review will happen at 11.30. If it doesn’t, I’ll fuck your boss so badly, he’ll never get another job in advertising. In fact, he’ll be so shafted, he wouldn’t get work if he dressed up as a cub scout and did bob-a-job. I trust you’ll pass on the message.

      Susi Judge-Davis – 5/1/00, 10.54am

      to… Simon Horne

      cc…

      re… PANIC STATIONS!

      Darling, your door’s locked, and you won’t answer your phone or e’s. I’m sure you’re only having one of your ‘can’t-be-disturbed-creative-inspiration-moments’, but you should know that David is going mental and is saying some beastly things. He’s insisting that the Coke 11.30 happens. You are OK for that, aren’t you? I’m going to tell him you are anyway, before he explodes … Sx

      Susi Judge-Davis – 5/1/00, 10.57am

      to… David Crutton

      cc…

      re… sort it

      David, ever so sorry for the delay in getting back to you, but it’s been a madhouse with work down here. I’ve just spoken to Simon. He says 11.30 is fine and he’s really looking forward to it!

      Brett Topowlski – 5/1/00, 11.09am

      to… Liam O’Keefe

      cc…

      re… Balls, meet Vice

      Susi’s just been in to tell us to get our stuff ready for the 11.30. Didn’t tell her we haven’t got any. We need this job – Vin still owes four grand on his Fireblade and I just got the insurance through for my R1 – £1,500! We’re fucked!

      Liam O’Keefe – 5/1/00, 11.11am

      to… Brett Topowlski

      cc…

      re… relief is at hand

      I have a plan.

      Liam O’Keefe – 5/1/00, 11.16am

      to… Creative Department

      cc…

      re… FIRE DRILL

      The fire drill that will take place in a few minutes is very important. As the fire officer for this floor, I have been informed that the London Fire Brigade will be observing and the renewal of our fire certificate depends on it. Stop whatever you’re doing when the alarm sounds and clear the building calmly and quickly. Ken Perry stresses that this drill takes precedence over any meetings or reviews that are scheduled for that time.

      Liam

      Designated Fire Officer

      Susi Judge-Davis – 5/1/00, 11.29am

      to… Simon Horne

      cc…

      re… EMERGENCY!!

      Simon, unlock your door now. David’s on his way down!!

      Nigel Godley – 5/1/00, 12.07pm

      to… Accounts Department

      cc… David Crutton

      re… good, but not good enough

      Our evacuation time of 3 minutes, 17 seconds was quite outstanding and does the accounts department credit. I am proud to call myself your fire officer. However, we were beaten by an adversary from a most surprising quarter. The creative department cleared their work stations and were out of the building in under two minutes.

      Isn’t it great that another department has decided to take up the challenge of achieving fire drill excellence? It can only push us to raise our own standards. I propose weekly training sessions. Then next time those creative johnnies will have a contest on their hands – Nige

      Liam O’Keefe – 5/1/00, 12.15pm

      to… Brett Topowlski

      cc…

      re… Naga-fucking-saki!

      You and Vin shouldn’t have buggered off to the pub straight after the drill because you missed a grade-A spectacle. When the alarm rang Crutton went straight to Horne’s pad. It was locked so he collared one of the firemen and made him pulp it with his axe! Horne was inside comatose and semi-naked – totally fucked from some celebrity piss-up last night. Hadn’t heard a thing. Didn’t know about the drill, the review, nothing. I’ve seen Crutton lose it before, but this was breathtaking. Horne’s a gibbering wreck now. Susi’s feeding him Valium like they’re M&Ms. And Ken Perry just got the elbow for having the front to hold a drill at the same time as Crutton wanted to look at some creative work. The way it’s shaping up, we’ll all be out of work by the end of the day – worth it just to witness Armageddon. Only a few days behind schedule, too.

      David Crutton – 5/1/00, 12.21pm

      to… Simon Horne

      cc…

      re… deathwish…

      … do you have one, and have you the faintest idea how close you are to realising it? The only reason you still have a job is that at this moment I have no choice but to keep you on. With business at the critical stage it is right now, even a creative director of stupefying incompetence must be marginally better than none at all. I’m going to lunch. When I return at 3.30 we will hold the Coke review.

      David Crutton – 5/1/00, 12.42pm

      to… Lorraine Pallister

      cc…

      re… crap

      To add to the metaphorical shit that’s been swilling around this office today, we have a surfeit of the real thing in the executive washroom. The toilets are blocked and overflowing. Get maintenance to fix it while I’m at lunch. Failing that, do it yourself.

      Lorraine Pallister – 5/1/00, 12.54pm

      to… David Crutton

      cc…

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