And God Created the Au Pair. Pascale Smets

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СКАЧАТЬ the beautiful ones who think he’s a sad old wanker.

      

      From: Nell Fenton

      To: Charlotte Bailey

      

      I can’t believe Gina lasted as long as she did, was totally unsuited to manual labour with that inner ear problem of hers.

      

      From: Charlotte Bailey

      To: Nell Fenton

      

      Nonsense, she cleaned very well, only staggered a bit and hardly ever toppled right over.

      

      I’ve been looking at au pair details from agency, incredibly depressing as makes me feel absolutely ancient. They all seem to have been born in the 1980s. Also they’re all so WORTHY. When I was 18 I was getting drunk on the King’s Rd & trying to get to grips with smoking without setting my dreadlocks on fire. Nowadays all 18-year-olds (Swedish ones at least) ‘love to work with childrens’. Will have to choose a short one as shower in top bathroom has v low showerhead.

      

      From: Nell Fenton

      To: Charlotte Bailey

      

      Think it’s moderately unlikely that they would list drinking and smoking as hobbies on their application forms, however keenly they pursue those activities in their spare time.

      

      From: Nell Fenton

      To: Charlotte Bailey

      

      I’m going to kill Michael. Went to another work party and this time checked with Michael how smart/casual it was going to be. He assured me it was casual. Should have known he would not pay attention to such details. Turned out to be a party for the people they really wanted to impress (unlike previous hoi polloi party) and as we arrived we were photographed for society pages (vv bad – was wearing fairly skanky cord jacket) and when we got in all the women were in full evening wear, and me in very ordinary navy trousers, Gap t-shirt and cardigan (silk admittedly, but much washed), also in my distress managed to get potato-sized blotch of red wine on my t-shirt in first 10 minutes. Chairman’s wife came up and kissed Michael, who was mortified since he hadn’t bothered to shave (party being so casual). Since he’s half-man half-gorilla, it’s not insignificant when he fails to shave. Serves him bloody well right.

      

      From: Charlotte Bailey

      To: Nell Fenton

      

      How could you not know he’d get it wrong?? This is the man who says ‘I like that dress’ when you’re wearing a skirt. Like any NORMAL man, will say any old crap that pops into his head just to shut you up, also much more likely to say it’s casual wear as party clothes require much more input from husband – eg ‘no your back doesn’t look at all fat in that/knees don’t look weird/the choker doesn’t make your neck look short’ … and if he were interested enough to correctly assess dress code he would be no good to you as he would not be married to you as he would almost certainly be gay.

      

      From: Nell Fenton

      To: Charlotte Bailey

      

      It’s true that clothes aren’t his specialist subject, what with all those confusingly different names clothes can have. (Colours also v problematic for him, brown and grey – how can anyone tell the difference?)

      

      From: Charlotte Bailey

      To: Nell Fenton

      

      Fucking hell. Central heating finally packed up last night, quite frankly can’t believe the ancient & poisonous boiler has lasted this long. Albert came round today in a last-ditch attempt to try and revive it. After 45 mins of the boiler equivalent of heart massage announced ‘it’s a gonner’, had urge to add ‘still, it had a good innings’ but felt it would be disrespectful. Should have replaced the whole lot before we moved in last year but since at that point we were operating on the ‘only absolutely essential work to be done’ principle and it was (just) working it seemed unnecessary. Now v necessary & timing worse as have just paid to have ‘tube station’ dug in our garden & I really want to come to visit at Christmas.

      

      From: Nell Fenton

      To: Charlotte Bailey

      

      Deepest condolences on your loss but you still have to come at Christmas whatever happens.

      

      Now Josie has made friends pesky child has been nagging for a birthday party. Had hoped that her birthday being over a month ago and the move etc would have made her forget, but no, bless her retentive little brain. Also she wants to invite the whole class so am failing to benefit from huge advantage of an August birthday where one can invite the whole class with impunity since 60% are invariably away. Have arranged something called Mad Science for entertainers and having set stupid precedent of doing handmade invitations for the last 2 birthdays have had to come up with appropriately mad and sciency card. Was quite pleased with my idea of cutting out test-tube-shape cardboard, with big bubbles coming out the top. Only noticed when I had done about 20 that they are vv phallic when upended. Still, not bloody doing them again and anyway it might prompt gratifying August-type refusal rate.

      

      From: Charlotte Bailey

      To: Nell Fenton

      

      Try not posting the invitations at all but instead storing them safely in a nappy-changing bag for at least 2 weeks then performing secret, frantic, last-minute phone round (on discovering them crumpled & dirty in bottom of said bag), should yield 30–40% refusal rate if past experience is anything to go by.

       OCTOBER 99

      From: Louise Corrigan

      To: Charlotte Bailey

      

      We’re making plans to come to London. Walt needs to do some research in London for a piece he’s doing for the NY Times and we have meetings about our book. Anyway we’d love to come visit if you can bear to have us. We’d be staying Nov 7 thru 15 if that’s ok. If it’s too much let us know & we’ll go to a hotel. Speak soon x L

      

      From: Charlotte Bailey

      To: Louise Corrigan

      

      FANTASTIC! We’d love you СКАЧАТЬ