And God Created the Au Pair. Pascale Smets

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      From: Charlotte Bailey

      To: Nell Fenton

      Re: big vulgar house

      

      Grant you everything sounds amazingly vulgar (speaking of which Dan suggested you could use sauna for 70s-style sex) but since everything is new, presumably it all works, also how fantastically liberating tastewise – no poncey agonising over whether it’s better to buy genuine antique bog from salvage yard for 3x price of naffer but more practical reproduction one. In absence of your steadying influence did buy poncey antique loo for spare bathroom. Turns out you were right – impossible to clean as glaze v patchy. However, what you didn’t know & I have triumphantly discovered is will only flush vv small poos.

      

      From: Nell Fenton

      To: Charlotte Bailey

      

      You should put a discreet little picture up like a no-smoking sign but with a poo instead of a cigarette (wd also help with the cleaning problem).

      

      From: Charlotte Bailey

      To: Nell Fenton

      

      ‘Drain patrol’ came today to replace cracked piece of pipe. Rather mystifyingly, although you would think a trench the approximate depth & width of drain to be replaced would be adequate, it appears not. Excavations have now reached such magnitude, suspect they have become confused between the words ‘pipe’ & ‘tube’ & are actually building a tube station (tube theory further supported by the size of their quote). Hugh is overjoyed and desperate to get out there. V tricky to keep him in as workmen keep leaving door to garden open & he v darty & determined.

      

      From: Nell Fenton

      To: Charlotte Bailey

      

      Probably will increase the value of your house though, being so close to a tube station. I’ve discovered intriguing feature of this house which is that floor throughout hall and kitchen which is granite? polished stony stuff anyway and which is speckled grey, black and white is perfect camouflage for anything at all, gratifying when this is dirt, but annoying when it’s a small object you’ve inadvertently dropped. God forbid I drop a contact lens on it. Garage now completely full of empty boxes and packaging as we don’t know what to do with it all so have been lobbing it in there. Suppose we will at some stage have to actually use it to put the cars in but will worry about that later.

      

      From: Charlotte Bailey

      To: Nell Fenton

      

      Floor that hides the dirt, definitely worth the odd lost contact lens. I have dirt-accentuating floor and still lose stuff all the time.

      

      Rained really heavily last night & in usual weekend fashion sent girls downstairs with Hugh to watch telly so we could have a lie-in. Lie-in cut short by sound of Hugh crying & Ellie calling me, v ominously citing Hugh & mud as the reason for waking us. Came down to find Hugh freezing & thickly coated in mud from what was once our garden but now closely resembles trenches of WW1. Ellie’s explanation for letting him out was that ‘he wanted to’. Whole episode entirely my own fault for being lazy and sluttish.

      

      From: Nell Fenton

      To: Charlotte Bailey

      

      Count yourself lucky that it was only mud. Rob called me down proudly the other day because Ollie had done a poo on the potty and Rob had decided to wipe his bottom for him as a nice surprise for me. Had to completely strip both of them and clean quite a large surrounding area. Rob very pleased and expectant so I had to say ‘well done for trying’.

      

      From: Nell Fenton

      To: Charlotte Bailey

      

      Suzette and Kane invited us for a barbecue lunch today. Michael naturally grumpy, on the very limited exposure he’s had to them says they are stupid and boring. I on the other hand thoroughly enjoy the little glimpses I get into their life and was therefore happy to go. Not disappointed in the least. Sophie, the older daughter, emerges sufficiently from her sullen silence when on her home turf to be obnoxiously rude to them both – wasn’t hungry/didn’t like any of the food served. Suzette eventually tensely excused her from the table and she slouched off inside. Once she’d relaxed after Sophie’s departure, Suzette was in quirky mode, lots of tales of her madcap exploits, how she’d chased a racoon out of her bedroom in her undies (so a bit sexy too) at their cottage up north (everyone here has a cottage up north), how she’d driven to Montreal with the girls on a whim one night because she wanted them to absorb the French language (thought this bit sounded slightly bipolar, it’s about a five-hour drive …), how she’d charmed the Canadian border guards into not charging her tax after a shopping spree in the States (doubtless her glorious red hair played its part). Obviously her life is a chick flick and much more fun than mine. Very best bit was when we had ice cream. She was talking to Michael while holding up her spoon and slowly running her tongue along it. Not sure if she fancies him or if she’s just one of those women who automatically flirts with all men. Michael, bless him, was looking at her with puzzled distaste which she no doubt read as scarcely controlled lust.

      

      From: Charlotte Bailey

      To: Nell Fenton

      

      Michael probably just thought she had a tongue disorder.

      

      Anna rang last night to get your address (again). Told me Rory and Theo had missed first one and a half days of school as she’d got the date they went back wrong – thought they went back same day as Guy and Isabel so they missed the first day and then on morning of next day discovered Toulouse-Lautrec had badly chewed one of Rory’s new school shoes and bitten the buckle off one of Theo’s. So then instead of just sending them in trainers, decided to drop Greta at nursery and ‘whizz’ into Buckingham to buy boys shoes en route to school. Whizzed there but couldn’t whizz on as she ‘broke down’. This conversation conducted to the background of Geoffrey shouting ‘You didn’t break down – you ran out of bloody petrol again.’ Anyway after fulminating for 20 mins about how this time she really was going to get rid of Toulouse-Lautrec, Anna came over quite sentimental, said she misses you and blood is thicker than water (about 9 times).

      

      From: Nell Fenton

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