And God Created the Au Pair. Pascale Smets

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СКАЧАТЬ film I put up at the window kept ‘sucking in & then blowing out’ making ‘a loud whooshing sound’ (which made Walt ‘edgy’). Lou calmed him with a homeopathic remedy & then apparently they both managed to fall asleep BUT NOT FOR LONG because a particularly strong gust of wind caused a corner of fucking plastic sheeting on one of the windows to come loose & start flapping around so then sucking & rustling noise from other 2 windows was accompanied by whipping sound. Both tried to stick flapping corner back down but it kept bursting loose again and then a corner of the plastic whipped Walt’s eye. Injury drawn to my attention by the fact that Walt came down with (v lovely) blue & black scarf tied diagonally across his head over hurt eye. Both he & Lou looked quite rough this morning. Have removed cling film from other 2 windows but the temperature in the room has plummeted & although heating is really cranked up & rest of the house v warm their room remains vv chilly also think Walt may have caught Hugh’s cold, either that or has had v bad reaction to the Camembert he ate last night.

      

      From: Nell Fenton

      To: Charlotte Bailey

      

      V sorry to hear about Walt’s eye. Can be terribly dangerous tussling with cling film, also I believe that careful analysis of Camembert might reveal that it does in fact contain dairy products which I thought they didn’t eat? Heard from Rachel yesterday, sounds like Jack still being a big wanker.

      

      From: Charlotte Bailey

      To: Nell Fenton

      

      Actually bought the Camembert for us, didn’t expect Lou or Walt to have any, but everyone a bit drunk & Walt decided in moment of recklessness to eat some. Anna rang this evening & said they went to a Guy Fawkes party in the village where everybody was supposed to bring fireworks only they couldn’t because Toulouse-Lautrec got to them & bit all the rockets & ate half the mega Catherine wheel she’d bought. Luckily he threw it up in the car on the way to the vet so they were able to go to the party after all, albeit empty-handed.

      

      From: Nell Fenton

      To: Charlotte Bailey

      

      Shame it didn’t blow him up.

      

      From: Charlotte Bailey

      To: Nell Fenton

      

      Discovered today that a thermostat on a blow heater is in fact a GOOD THING as ancient one Fran lent me & I solicitously placed in Lou & Walt’s bedroom to try & warm it a little caught fire this evening. Was downstairs with Ana Frid making the children’s supper when I heard Lou shrieking from upstairs, ran up to find her ineffectually batting at the licking flames with a hand towel, grabbed hand towel off her so I could bat at it ineffectually myself. Fortunately Ana Frid took charge, sprinted back downstairs to get a saucepan lid, charged back in, unplugged heater at wall (which neither I nor Lou had thought to do) & placed saucepan lid over the flames which killed them. Then had to open all their bedroom windows to try & disperse the aroma of burnt electrical appliance – didn’t work, really nasty acrid smell persisted to remind us all of my attempt to kill guests.

      

      From: Nell Fenton

      To: Charlotte Bailey

      

      Reassuring to hear what a cool head you keep in a crisis. Suggest next time something bursts into flame you toss Ana Frid’s passport into the fire so she has to stay with you forever.

      

      Mind you, am not beyond reproach myself. In a crazed moment of guilt at uprooting the children, have bought them a kitten. Quite sweet if you like animals which my tenderest admirer could not accuse me of. Not an unqualified success since Rob was so scared of it he spent 2 days on the kitchen table, though it’s no bigger than his foot. Anyhow on day 3 he suddenly announced he was going to try holding it after school. ‘Holding it’ turned out to be sitting on the sofa with a large cushion on his lap and having the kitten placed on the cushion for about 8 seconds by me. Still, I could see the effort it cost him and was v proud of him. This morning I came down in a nightdress with bare legs and the adorable creature scampered up my leg using my bare flesh as purchase for its little needlelike claws. Couldn’t shriek and bat it away as I wanted to as I keep assuring Rob it can’t hurt him, so gently removed it from my throbbing leg and hobbled upstairs to find some trousers to hide the trickles of blood. Reminded me of a couple of months ago when Michael was in the garden playing with the boys and his smile suddenly became quite fixed. Muttered to me that he had just been stung by a wasp, didn’t want Rob to know (would never go outside again if he knew there was a chance he could be stung). Think by the time we have finished bringing Rob up we will both be like some sort of SAS commandos, or perhaps impassive martial arts masters, capable of withstanding terrible pain without reacting … Suppose everyone has to have at least one high-maintenance child. At least Josie besotted with the kitten and Ollie mildly diverted.

      

      From: Charlotte Bailey

      To: Nell Fenton

      

      ARE YOU COMPLETELY MAD?? You hate animals. You hate them even more than I do & I hate them a lot. Ellie & Maddie constantly nagging for a dog, have explained to them it’s never going to happen so instead they must train Hugh to do doglike things. He always eats like a dog anyway & has now become quite proficient at lapping water from a bowl. Will also spend up to 10 mins at a time ‘sleeping’ in his dog basket (large cardboard box). Had to set parameters when I found him growling, tied to the table leg with a skipping rope round his neck. Now when they take him for a walk they grumble that you don’t see real dogs with leads round their middles. Don’t like to point out that real dogs tend not to wear jeans & a sweatshirt & break off halfway through ‘walkies’ to watch Thomas the Tank Engine with juice & a biscuit.

      

      From: Nell Fenton

      To: Charlotte Bailey

      

      Wish I’d thought of training one of my children as a dog before getting tiresome cat. Am inexplicably fond of all of them so would be happy to have any one of them as a pet.

      

      From: Charlotte Bailey

      To: Nell Fenton

      

      Lou & Walt have made the acquaintance of weirdy neighbour Brian Turner. Saw them talking to him outside the front of the house. The 3 of them made an interesting sight – Lou wearing v high black Prada boots looked about 6' 2", Walt next to her looked small & menacing in inky-black Gaultier suit with his ‘eye scarf’ – until you clocked his feet, Birkenstocks with thick pink socks, & then there was Brian, just medium normal-sized but with his outlandishly big woolly head & orange polo neck. Think Brian stopped to talk to them because of Walt’s Birkenstocks (that & fact he’s unbelievably nosy). What he doesn’t realise is Walt is wearing them in an ironic way. Lou said Brian is v knowledgeable about historic walks through London & should I ever need any info on said topic he’s my man. (Useful as this tip СКАЧАТЬ