Your First Grandchild: Useful, touching and hilarious guide for first-time grandparents. Paul Greenwood

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      There’s no doubt about it, getting used to the idea of being a grandparent requires quite a big shift in one’s thinking. As Sheila Kitzinger says, It is a rite of passage which is not made nearly such a fuss of as motherhood, quite rightly, as it is not such an enormous life change, but still it is a life change and as such has not been greatly acknowledged.’

      Interestingly enough, from the cross-section of people I have talked to for this book, it seems to be men who have most difficulty in adapting to the idea of being that archetypal figure connected with old age: a grandparent. One man was startlingly honest: 1 was horrified. I didn’t like the idea of being a grandfather at all. It put an image into my mind of old people and I don’t feel old at all inside.’

      I had thought it might be women who would have more trouble with moving into the third generation. I suppose I was unconsciously accepting the tendency of ageism to focus on women (all those little-old-lady stereotypes of grandmothers knitting in rocking chairs). Possibly women are just cleverer about hiding their fears about it, but they genuinely seem more easy in the role than men. As one woman said, ‘When my first grandchild was born, I lost my fear of ageing. Everything seemed to fall into place. Besides, she sits on my knee and says, “I love your lines, Grandma.”’

      Perhaps this acceptance is also made easier for women because, in spite of all the ‘Glamorous Grannies’ around, many are not as sexually active as they once were. Older men, on the other hand, are often still considered to be contestants in the sexual arena. Even if they don’t want to play! If, in front of a younger woman, a man says, ‘my grandchild’, it immediately places him in an age bracket to which he may not wish to belong, especially if he looks younger than he is.

      For some women, however, difficulties arise when they are either still fertile themselves or newly menopausal. A friend admitted that when she heard the news, she was ashamed to feel rather envious of her daughter’s fecundity and that she immediately had the desire to become pregnant. (This impulse may partly explain the number of nieces and nephews who are older than their aunts and uncles.)

      As women, one of the hardest facts we have to face up to is our loss of fertility at quite an early age in comparison with men. All I can say to comfort any grandmother-to-be with faint yearnings in this direction is that these feelings are usually extinguished by the birth of the grandchild, when you can re-experience almost all your maternal delights without the sleeplessness and anxiety that went with them the first time around.

      As for all you young-looking grandmothers and grandfathers-to-be, you can look forward to astonished faces and flattering remarks: ‘You can’t be a grandparent – it’s impossible!’

      R.U.S.C!

      After receiving the news, try to remember that you still have several months in which to psyche yourself to become R.U.S.C! – RELIABLE, UNCRITICAL, SUPPORTIVE and CALM. Practise the skill of biting your tongue before offering a suggestion, unless you are appealed to directly for your opinion – and even then think carefully before replying. Above all, prepare yourself for any ideas you might come up with to be rejected as old-fashioned and completely ridiculous. Learn to smile in a jolly way when you are made fun of. Try to remember what you were like yourself as a young mother or father, and how you felt when your parents or parents-in-law made what seemed to you utterly unsuitable suggestions. Acknowledge to yourself that things keep moving on, especially ideas on childcare. Remember even the late, great Dr Spock was somewhat discredited in the end – especially by himself!

      A fine method of whiling away the time before the birth is to find out which childcare books (if any) the parents-to-be are reading and read them yourself. A great deal of potential conflict can be avoided if this is done. You may not entirely agree with every new idea, but at least you will have an informed opinion – and more insight into what has contributed to their choices. Much better to discuss calmly the various methods and theories before the birth, than to argue and criticize later when the young parents are struggling to do their best as they see it. An intelligent mind is an open mind, and that has nothing to do with age.

      Celebrate!

      For the moment, just think of the fun you can have rushing around telling everyone that you’re expecting your first grandchild and observing their reactions. Not everyone will be interested; some may even look at you with a pitying expression (‘Poor old thing, you really are past it’), but good friends will share your delight, especially those who already have grandchildren themselves. So, if you are among the lucky ones who have just received the big news, go out and celebrate. You are about to move on to a new and wonderful time of your lives!

       Chapter 2

       Only 230 Knitting Days

      The Pregnancy and Birth

      So, you’ve come to terms with the idea of the pregnancy, and excitement begins to grow along with the bump. But, oh, how long it seems to take! What can you do to be most helpful? Again, this very much depends on individual situations. Is the mother-to-be on her own? Do you live near? Is she having an easy pregnancy? It’s very often a play-it-by-ear scenario, but probably the best thing anyone can do is to let it be known that they are available if needed, even if it’s just for reassuring chats on the phone. Keep as closely in touch as possible, without seeming to be constantly checking, which can be rather irritating – as one young woman found:

      

      ‘My mother-in-law kept phoning me on an almost daily basis, closely questioning me as to all my symptoms: what I was eating, was I getting enough rest, and didn’t I think I should give up work sooner than the time I had planned to take my maternity leave. It drove me mad. It was like a take-over bid. Eventually I got so incensed that I said to her one day, “My own mother doesn’t ask me all these questions.” That really put the cat among the pigeons. She went into a right huff and I hardly heard from her again until after the baby was born. Bit of a relief, really. But I felt badly about it. After all, she was only trying to help. But everything’s all right between us now and she’s actually a super grandma.’

      

      Many pregnant women welcome help with housework or shopping, especially in the later months of pregnancy, when it can be bliss to have an afternoon nap while somebody else copes. Make sure that any food you might provide at this time is healthy and safe (i.e. no rare beef or soft cheese, etc.), and encourage the pregnant mother to eat a balanced and healthy diet. During my daughter’s first pregnancy, my general knowledge about diet and health improved immensely, and it made me wonder how on earth I had managed when I was expecting her and was in a state of ignorance about the healthiest options.

      

      Lots of women of my generation acknowledge that they didn’t СКАЧАТЬ