It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken: The Smart Girl’s Breakup Buddy. Greg Behrendt

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СКАЧАТЬ to choose how you will react and how you will alleviate your condition. Calling him doesn’t make it better—it only pulls you back into the cycle of heartbreak. He is the past. You are the future.

      Write these down and keep them with you at all times:

       Alcohol + Phone = Danger.

       Alcohol + Text Messenger = Danger.

       Alcohol + Phone Camera = All over the Internet!

      But Greg, I’ve Got Questions

      But what if he can’t tell that it’s me calling?

       Dear Greg

       My number shows up as “Private” on caller ID, so even if I call a thousand times he can never prove that it’s me. Sometimes I just need to know that he’s home and not out with another girl, and it’s not like he can STAR-69 me because I have that blocked. Is that so bad?

       Jamie

      Dear Caller ID,

      You’ve been eating denial by the bowl for breakfast if you think for a nanosecond that he doesn’t KNOW it’s you calling him all the time. And your actions are only confirming his belief that you shouldn’t be together. Is that so bad? you ask. Ask yourself this: How does it make you feel to be spending your hours, days, weeks, or months not living your life because you’re pretending to be a telemarketer? Hey, Saucy Girl, by stepping away from the phone you’re taking the first step toward living your life.

      

      But he said to call.

       Dear Greg

       When we broke up, he said to “keep in touch and let me know how you’re doing.” So I know that he’s worried about me and still cares about me even if we’re not together anymore. Don’t you think that keeping the lines of communication open will make him realize that he misses me sooner than if we didn’t talk at all?

       Lindsay

      Dear Communicado,

      He said that because saying, “Well, I’m never going to see you again ever” would have been awkward. “Hey, let’s never speak again” or “I don’t want to know how you are” won’t get him out of the breakup conversation as easily. Let’s let him know how you’re doing by NOT calling him. Quite honestly, he’ll be more intrigued by the fact that you didn’t call than if you did. Not keeping the lines of communication open says a lot about somebody. It says they’ve moved on and are not interested in spending their valuable time on someone who doesn’t want to be with them. Here’s the truth: “Keep in touch and let me know how you’re doing” doesn’t actually mean that. The real translation is “I feel bad about this and hope you’ll be okay, but I’m moving on.” And therefore, so should you.

      

      But what if I have a legitimate reason?

       Dear Greg

       I can’t stop calling my ex-boyfriend. I have a valid reason because I still have some of his stuff. Not that it’s the most valuable stuff in the world, but I have one of his favorite jackets, so it’s not like he doesn’t care about it. When we do talk, he’s really nice at first and we have a great conversation. He’s even admitted to thinking about me, but he never wants to get together so I can give him his things. He keeps telling me to just mail them or leave them outside in a box, but I don’t want them to get stolen or lost in the mail. If he didn’t want me to call, don’t you think he’d just say so?

       Joanna

      Dear Box Full of Excuses,

      Maybe what he’s really saying is that he wants you to mail yourself to him in a box. If you’re going to twist words around, why not really go for it? Stop calling your ex-boyfriend. Having his stuff is not really a valid reason to call, it’s an excuse. And every time you use this excuse, he lets you know that he wants his stuff back but doesn’t want to see you. Now, you can make excuses as to why that is, too. Perhaps he’s afraid that seeing you will trigger an avalanche of emotions that he can’t handle and he’ll fling himself into your arms…but we both know that’s not true. The bottom line is, he doesn’t want to see you. That sucks. It hurts. And every call you make is just asking him to reject you again. Take his stuff, put it on his porch—or better yet, put it on your porch and give it to the garbageman so you can finally be rid of that box of excuses to call him.

      But what if he calls me?

       Dear Greg

       I’ve been so good about not calling my ex. But the thing is, he calls me every time he’s been out drinking and wants to talk. I’m still totally in love with him and don’t want to not take his calls, but even when I tell him I can’t talk to him, he doesn’t take no for an answer. He just shows up at my door, tells me he misses me and made a huge mistake. Then one thing leads to another and we end up sleeping together and he’s gone the next day. I know he’s just using me for a booty call, but I can’t help myself. What do I do? I don’t want to have to change my number—what if he needs to get ahold of me in an emergency? Dawn

      Dawn, Dawn, Dawn, Dawn,

      He’s basically saying, “I really love you on Friday from 2 A.M. to 3 A.M. lot. Seriously.” you deserve someone who wants to be with you all the time, not just when he’s drunk and looking to get laid. I applaud the first part of your letter where you say you’ve been good about not calling. That’s a hard thing to do, and I don’t mean to belittle it when I say that taking his drunk phone calls and letting him manipulate you for sex is like taking one step forward and sixteen steps back. I’m sure the drunk booty call isn’t indicative of the loving relationship you once had, so at this point you’re just taking scraps from someone who has relieved himself of any emotional attachment or responsibility to you. Block his number or change yours. And tell him to take you off of his “in case of emergency contact information sheet.” By the way…sex is not an emergency.

      

      But what if I can’t stop breaking into his IM account?

       Dear Greg

       I know my ex-boyfriend’s password to his instant messenger account. I had the feeling he was seeing a new girl, so I signed on as him (ThePantyMan) and started talking to the girl I had this feeling about (Sarah8476). I asked her if she had fun last night, and where she thought we (they) were headed in their relationship. When she said she’d like to seriously date him, I said, “That won’t be possible. I’m still in love with my ex-girlfriend, you and I are just sex. It’s really all you’re good for.” She signed off. It felt so good to have put an end to that! But now I can’t stop. I go on all the time and talk to girls just to make sure they aren’t seeing him, and if I sense they are acting flirtatious I say something ridiculous to make sure they never talk to him again.

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