It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken: The Smart Girl’s Breakup Buddy. Greg Behrendt

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       Chapter Two THERE ARE NO NEW MESSAGES

      What did heartbroken people do before phones? Come home and stare at the mailbox? Stand in their driveway and wait for the stagecoach? Run to the Western Union to see if anyone had Morse Coded them? Stare into the sky waiting for the messenger pigeon? The phone is clearly one of the best inventions of all time, but it is also the most lethal of weapons during a breakup. It mocks you when it’s silent, it beckons to you when you’re drunk, and it’s only too glad to tell you, “You have no new messages.” It is, in fact, the barometer by which we take the temperature of our broken heart. If we didn’t have to live in today’s modern world, I would advise you to get rid of yours now. Because what you need to do above all else is have some distance from the person who is causing your pain. Even if it’s the last thing you want, it’s the thing you need the most. Self-imposed distance will expedite your recovery more than anything else you do for yourself. Not the kind where you go live in a cave and eat moss—healthy distance.

      The first rule of the smart girl’s breakup is NO CALLING! This will be expanded on later, in the Breakover section of the book, but it doesn’t take a lot of detective work to figure out why. But here’s the main reason that people usually overlook: He doesn’t want you to call. (In fact, write that down and put it by your phone.) He broke up with you for a reason, and good or bad, he doesn’t want to hear from you right now. Even if he said “Call me” during your final conversation. He probably only did so to ease his guilt about breaking up with you. And if you broke up with him, leave him alone already! Harsh, we know, but drum it into your head before you dial—even if you both intend on being friends down the line. The same goes for text messaging, instant messaging, BlackBerrying, blueberrying, or any other form of communication. Actions speak louder than words, and calling him doesn’t say, “I’m cool with this whole breakup thing and just wanted to see what was going on because I’m a mature adult”—it says, “I still need your approval and am lost without you.”And we know that isn’t the message you want to send him.

      Speaking of messages, here’s Rule #2: Don’t check his. EVER. First, it’s illegal; second, it makes you seem crazy; and third, anything you find out will only make it worse or confirm your worst fears. It’s like heaping pain on top of pain. So save yourself the indignity of being the kind of person who breaks into his voice mail, e-mail, snail mail, whatever, and just assume the worst: He’s dating someone else and it’s Heidi Klum. Then start dealing with it.

      Don’t get us wrong; we understand the need for contact, communication, and information during this shitty time. We all go through a kind of withdrawal when we suddenly lose someone we cared about from our lives, and any glimmer of those things can be a beacon in your darkness. But again, it’s like trying to get sober and allowing yourself just a sip to get you through the day. Indulging in the need rather than being strong enough to overcome it will keep you both addicted to your ex and immobile, stuck in your breakup angst. One of the keys to getting through this time is to keep yourself in motion and not allow yourself to sit around wallowing. We hate to sound like high school coaches, but you’ve got to walk it off, sport! Tormenting yourself with the phone—worrying that you missed a voice mail, jumping up hopefully every time it rings—is not your ex’s fault, it’s something you are doing to yourself, and you need to recognize that. Take a moment and get real with yourself about why you’re doing what you’re doing. Does it really make you feel better to call his cell and then wonder what he’s doing when he doesn’t answer? Do you feel empowered reading his e-mails and learning that his life is going on full steam without you? We think not. And if you’re honest with yourself, you’ll agree. In addition to the legitimate pain you are experiencing from having been rejected, hurt, and disappointed, you are picking at the scabs. (Eew!) None of these activities befit the strong, sexy, totally self-possessed Superfox we know you want to be.

      In nearly half of the breakup surveys that we received, making compulsive phone calls, drunk dialing, obsessively checking messages, and breaking into an ex’s voice mails were among the biggest regrets that people had. Interestingly, nearly all of them admitted that they actually felt worse when they did these things, yet they were unable to control their impulse or need to do so. That says a lot about the commonality of how heartbreak affects us, and how we can be our own worst enemies in times of need. The big lesson here is that when it comes to your ex, any urge or impulse to contact him will do more harm than good, and you need to fight these urges however you can.

      A few brave, superhuman souls inspired us with their stories, and we hope they do the same for you. One woman wrote to us that she threw away the SIM card from her cell phone so that she couldn’t check her messages because it was driving her crazy. Another guy wrote to us that he paid a friend $300 to travel with him at all times so he wouldn’t call his ex. One lady asked her neighbor to take her phones out of her apartment every night and return them in the morning so that she wouldn’t be tempted. Now, these could be considered extreme measures, but when you really think about them, they’re actually pretty smart. These people recognized that they were powerless over the phone and their own obsession, and took action. Getting a new cell phone card, hiring a babysitter, and getting the phones out of the house during your weakest hours is basic self-preservation. More than that, it’s empowering! These people didn’t die from it and weren’t wildly inconvenienced—rather, the lack of phone contact allowed them to maintain their dignity when they felt it slipping away. They are role models for the brokenhearted!

      Just think, before you dial that number again, how great you’ll feel a year from now if you can look back on yourself and not feel embarrassed, defeated, or pathetic. Because you know that a year from now this pain will be a distant memory and not the open sore it is today. Ask yourself: “Do I really want to make this call?” You have the opportunity to be bigger than you are right at this very moment. So don’t be afraid to ask for help. Your friends and family love you and want you to get through this feeling stronger rather than broken. Keep a list by the phone of people you can call instead of him. Just dial them up and say,“I’m calling you instead.” Your friends will understand and help you through this—chances are they’ve been there too.

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