It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken: The Smart Girl’s Breakup Buddy. Greg Behrendt

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СКАЧАТЬ IM a Mess,

      I’ve got a game you can play—how about pretending not to be completely crazy? Really, what has happened to you? The Panty Man has moved on, or at least he’s trying to, and eventually he’ll meet someone who sticks despite his stupid online name and your sneaky ways. I think it’s time you took a good look at the person you’ve become and realize that you’ve bottomed out. Sabotaging your ex’s love life won’t change the FACT that he doesn’t want to be with you. It only reduces you to a kind of behavior that can’t possibly make you feel good about who you are, because it’s pathetic. And I’d bet pathetic isn’t what you were shooting for in your childhood dreams. Put your computer in the closet, go outside, and get some fresh air into that mixed-up head of yours.

      

      But I’m used to talking to him all the time.

       Dear Greg

      I was only dating my ex a few months when we broke up, but in that time we fell in love and did everything together. Now that we’re broken up, I can’t stop thinking about him. Everything reminds me of him. Whenever something happens that makes me think of him (which is all the time), I want to call him, or e-mail him, or IM him. He’s nice about it, but then when he tells me he has to go I feel let down. How do I break this addiction? I know I shouldn’t talk to him at all, but I just can’t quit cold turkey. This is killing me. Scarlett

      Dear Killing Me Softly,

      That’s what breakups feel like. I don’t mean to be a hard-ass, but if they didn’t there would be no need for this book. And you can go cold turkey and you should, because the sooner you do, the sooner the pain will subside. It’s not like you are being asked to dismantle a nuclear bomb; this is something that you can do. Plus, even if he’s civil, he really doesn’t want to hear from you. It’s as simple as this: Call a girlfriend instead. Share your life with someone who cares about you. Take it one day at a time, and whenever you make it through, do something nice for yourself as a reward.

      But what if we were best friends?

       Dear Greg

       My best friend Brian let me know one night after too many tequila shots that he was in love with me. Understand that this was my best friend—not just my best guy friend—for the last seven years. At first I was unsure about taking our relationship to another level, but then I decided that there was no one I’d rather be with and we jumped in with both feet. Things were great for the first few months, and I thought, “Wow! I’m going to end up marrying my best friend.” Well, a few months after that he decided we were better as friends after all and wanted to go back to how things were. I was devastated! I truly fell in love with him and now can’t just go back to being his friend. I would literally die if he started telling me about dating other girls the way he did before this all started. I told him I couldn’t be his friend, at least not for a while—but now I’m going through the most painful breakup of my life because I’ve lost my boyfriend and, more importantly, my closest confidant—the person I shared everything with! It’s so hard not to reach out to him! How do you get through something like this without your best friend?

       Jackie

      Dear BFF,

      Meet your new best friend. It’s you. And your new best friend (who looks exactly like you) wants you to know that while people always want to be friends after they split up, it is virtually impossible. I could be wrong, but a best friend isn’t someone who makes you feel horrible and sad every time you see him. So don’t do it. It’s like making an alcoholic dry out in a bar. It’s hard, unfair, and will only make your pain last longer because you won’t have any distance from it. Remember, life is long, and if you were meant to be friends you will be eventually, but not today. This is crucial: The sooner you stop calling him or spending time with him and work on healing yourself, the sooner the time will come when you can really be his friend (though by then you may not even want to). This is what you have other friends and your family for. And while a broken heart is a broken heart, there’s something to be said for the empathy of friends of the same sex who’ve been there. This is because men and women experience things differently and offer support in different ways. And since your best guy friend has been cut from the team, it seems like an excellent time to let your girlfriends take the lead.

      

      THE Best WORST NEWS

      The best worst news is that he doesn’t want you to call, so that should make it easier to harness the compulsion to do so. Cold turkey sucks, but it’s the fastest route to recovery. That goes for every addiction known to man, from gambling to Cadbury Crème Eggs and everything in between—including obsessive calling, e-mailing, and IMing with your ex.

      But why can’t I call him? you ask. Why can’t I just reach out and talk to him if it will make me feel a little better? After all, he does have that sweater of mine I never liked, and I really should call him to get it back. These are the questions that will be running through your mind, and the answer is—we’ll say it again—because he doesn’t want to talk to you. Even if you think that he does, you’re probably wrong. If he wanted to talk to you, to check on you, to reconcile with you, he would. If he had the courage to break it off, he also has the ability to use the phone and dial your number, which is already committed to memory. All the broken fingers in the world won’t keep someone who’s truly determined from calling, so any excuse you can think of is just that, an excuse. And quite frankly, even if you don’t want to hear it, the fact that he doesn’t want to talk to you is actually a GOOD THING! It’s just the kind of slap in the face that should make getting past this stage of the breakup easier.

      Even more to the point is that NOT CALLING him eventually sends the bigger message. It speaks volumes and says, “Despite the heartache and loss, the reason you are not hearing from me is that I am too busy taking care of myself and moving on with my fabulous new life.” Isn’t that the image you want to project and—more important—the person who you want to be? A person who is not hung up in the past but is instead moving forward? (Even if at the moment you’re really just lying in your bed all day listening to sad songs in your pajamas.)

      During these times, remember that the phone is your enemy—especially if you’ve been drinking. Leave your cell phone at home when you go out on a bender, and make sure your drinking companions know that you are to be kept away from phones at all times. There’s nothing worse than blowing all your hard work and successful self-preservation on a drunk-dialing impulse. What better way to show someone they should still be with you than by calling them at your worst? More important, notice how you feel after you talk to him—and then ask yourself if that’s really what you want.

      What I Did Wrong BY GREG

      She made it pretty easy for me not to indulge in unbecoming and pathetic behavior because she moved to another state to be with DUDE. So, as painful as that was, at least she had the courtesy to do it in another zip code. It meant I didn’t run the risk of bumping into her at parties and acting out a scene from the popular play How the F*#k Could You Do This to Me I’m Dying on the Inside. There was no house for me to drive by or workplace I could stalk. All I had to do was not call her. I was okay during the day. But as soon as darkness fell, my new bestest buddy Tequila and I would find ourselves at a bar, or a party, or just drunk wandering around my kitchen having a chat, but soon we would have information. Here’s the thing about Tequila: It gives you information. Information you didn’t have prior to drinking it. Information that needs to get to the person СКАЧАТЬ