The 100 Most Asked Questions About Love, Sex and Relationships. Barbara Angelis De
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Название: The 100 Most Asked Questions About Love, Sex and Relationships

Автор: Barbara Angelis De

Издательство: HarperCollins

Жанр: Секс и семейная психология

Серия:

isbn: 9780007518869

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СКАЧАТЬ feel even worse about herself and more like a failure than if she were in a less demanding relationship, or even lived alone.

      While you’re asking her the questions I mentioned, you need to ask yourself some too, because it’s no accident that you are in this kind of relationship and are acting as a rescuer. Rescueholics tend to become involved with partners they feel compelled to help, whom they feel sorry for. This almost always goes back to your own unfinished emotional business from childhood. Maybe there was someone you couldn’t rescue, but wanted to, like an abused mom, an alcoholic dad, an ailing sibling. Or maybe the person you wanted someone else to rescue was yourself, so you’re acting it out as an adult. Do some emotional work on your own issues, because you may “need” her to be messed up in order to run out your own patterns.

      Someone once said that you can’t force a flower to open its petals before it’s time. Find the courage to ask your wife if she’s ready to work on loving you the way you need to be loved, and know that the truth will set you both free.

       7 Is it possible to “fall back in love” with someone after years of feeling dead and disinterested?

       I’ve been married for twenty-eight years, and for the last ten, I’ve felt numb toward my partner. We’ve discussed divorce, but neither of us really wants to go out and start dating at this point in our lives. Is it possible for us to fall back in love again, or should we just accept the fact that our marriage is over?

      

Yes, it’s possible to fall back in love again, or more accurately, to break through the numbness you are both feeling and rediscover the love that is still there underneath. If you’re a couple (and I’d bet anything you are) who never worked on maintaining the intimacy in your relationship, avoided major confrontation, suppressed unpleasant emotions, and didn’t talk about your feelings, then of course you are feeling numb. You’ve spent years becoming experts at numbing yourselves to the little things, and now you’re wondering where the love went. It may still be there in hibernation, underneath all the other frozen emotions.

      It sounds to me like you are both not only numb to one another, but numb period. You aren’t interested in dating or starting your love life over again, and I’ll bet you feel kind of tired and blasé about everything. This could be a major turning point in your life, a moment where you look at one another and say, “I’m tired of feeling this tired of everything …-I’m tired of feeling numb … I’m ready to make some changes.”

      The first step is to break through that numbness by confronting some of the issues that are sure to be lurking beneath the surface. You won’t be able to do this on your own—you’ll need help, and I suggest you find a well-trained therapist or marriage counselor who has an excellent reputation for helping couples in trouble. If you don’t get the results you want, try someone else, read books, attend seminars, etc. You won’t be able to tell if your marriage can be saved until you try everything. Then, if you decide it’s over, you can do so knowing you made every attempt to resurrect the relationship.

      Here’s something to give you some hope: I’ve personally worked with thousands of couples who believed they were on the verge of divorce, who, after giving their relationship the attention it needed, fell back in love again; every week I receive letters from couples I’ve never even met, but who share this same kind of success story with me. So it’s not just possible—it’s happening all the time, and I pray it can happen for you too.

      

      

       8 How can I get my husband to pay as much attention to me as he does to our children?

       I consider myself lucky to have a husband who is my best friend, and two healthy young daughters. So I feel even more guilty to admit that I’m jealous of my girls! The truth is, my husband gives them more attention and affection than he gives me. I always brag about what a great dad he is, but I need more physical and emotional closeness with him. I’ve tried to talk about this, but he ends up feeling criticized and pulls even farther away. Am I expecting too much?

      

Guess what? Millions of wives and mothers feel the same secret envy you do about how much love their husband shows the kids, so be assured that you’re not “bad,” “selfish,” or “weird”—you’re just not getting everything you need from your partner. (I hear this same complaint from men, too, by the way, about their wife showing the kids more affection.) So the first step is to stop making yourself wrong for longing to be the recipient of the tenderness and caring your husband showers on your daughters. Of course you’re jealous: the little girl inside of you is hungry for the intimacy you know your mate is capable of, since you see him share this with your girls. I know it feels awful to see your own daughters, whom you adore, as rivals, but that’s what’s happening.

      It might help you to understand where your husband is coming from. You see, it’s easy for him to be so emotionally generous with his children. They don’t nag him, criticize what he says or does, or see his faults!! In other words, they still love him unconditionally. That feeling of being loved purely and completely allows him to feel safe enough to open his heart and share the most giving part of himself with them. With you, it’s a different story. You don’t have him on a pedestal, like the girls do; you don’t think everything he says is so smart; you see him as he really is. So it’s much more difficult for your husband to feel as safe and loved with you as he does with his daughters. This is true for all parents—it’s a lot more challenging to be as consistently loving with our mates as we are with our kids, but that’s the whole point of marriage—ideally, to learn how to love another person in spite of their imperfections.

      That’s the compassionate part of the answer, but the second part is more practical: Your relationship with your husband must be placed first, before your relationship as parents to the kids. I believe strongly that, as a wife, you need to feel you are Number One to your husband, and not that you get the emotional leftovers, if there are any, after your daughters are loved. If your marriage isn’t healthy, it won’t matter how much your children feel loved … you will end up feeling resentment toward them, and they will not grow up with a positive example of how a woman should be treated. The stronger your relationship with your husband is, the better both of you will be as parents to your kids. Keeping you happy and well loved should be your husband’s first responsibility to the family, because that ensures a stable and lasting home life for your children. And the happier you and he are together, the happier your girls will be. Tell him I said so!!!!

       9 How should you handle a partner who smothers you with too much love and affection and is too possessive?

      I have the opposite problem than most women have—my boyfriend loves me too much. He wants to be with me every second; he never takes his hands off me; and when СКАЧАТЬ