The 100 Most Asked Questions About Love, Sex and Relationships. Barbara Angelis De
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Название: The 100 Most Asked Questions About Love, Sex and Relationships

Автор: Barbara Angelis De

Издательство: HarperCollins

Жанр: Секс и семейная психология

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isbn: 9780007518869

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СКАЧАТЬ connection we used to have, but many of my friends tell me I’m being unrealistic, and that all couples feel this way after years of marriage. Am I expecting too much?

      

Don’t buy into the popular but misinformed attitude that losing romantic attraction to your partner is an inevitable part of marriage. That’s like saying becoming unhealthy and having a heart attack is an inevitable part of growing older. Are heart attacks common? Yes—but now we know they are preventable IF you take good care of your body. In the same way, just because it’s common for many couples to lose the passion in their relationship over time doesn’t mean it is natural. It all depends on how you take care of your relationship.

      Relationships don’t just lose their chemistry overnight. It takes years of neglect, not making the marriage a number-one priority, not talking about your needs, not resolving and healing hidden resentments, and not actively learning how to make love work. All these unhealthy emotional habits are what takes a couple from feeling “in love” to feeling like roommates.

      I strongly believe that you do deserve to have a marriage that grows in love, passion, and connection year after year. Is this realistic, even in an eighteen-year relationship? Yes … IF both partners decide to do what it takes to rekindle the passion and learn some of the skills you were never taught about successful loving. Start by sitting down with your partner, taking his hands, and telling him how much you miss the physical and emotional closeness you used to share. (Believe me, he misses it too!) Without blaming him, tell him you want to work toward transforming your “comfortable” relationship into one that is intimate and exciting. Tell him he deserves more than he’s getting, as you do. When you both recommit to learning how to love, and use some of the skills I teach in my books and programs, you’ll find renewed levels of communication, closeness, and excitement.

      

       3 If a relationship takes a lot of work, does that mean something is wrong with it?

       At times, I find myself wondering whether my wife is my perfect partner, because our relationship doesn’t ever seem to be completely effortless and without issues. We love each other very much and have grown tremendously over the past eight years, but it seems we’re always “dealing” with something—balancing her needs with mine; learning to ask for what we want; giving each other enough attention, or space. Should it be this complicated?

      

Yes! Show me a relationship without conflict and issues and I’ll show you a couple that is either dead or in denial! A conscious relationship requires a lot of work, because it asks you to push past the fear that would keep you protected and invulnerable to your partner and, instead, to reveal all of you—the giving and the selfish part; the forgiving and the angry part; the compassionate and the blaming part. In other words, a truly honest, deep, and committed relationship will continually confront you with all the parts of yourself that are not totally loving, and thus will make you uncomfortable as it stretches you beyond the boundaries of your ego.

      Where I think people get stuck is in the erroneous belief that a relationship is always supposed to make you feel good, so if it feels bad, it must be bad. Actually, it is often during the times when the relationship doesn’t feel good that something good is happening: You are being forced to see a part of yourselves or a dynamic between you that is not healthy, so you can change it and make your relationship even stronger. It may feel like things are falling apart, but actually, they are trying to come more together. It’s at these times when you need to be careful not to misinterpret your difficulties as signs of doom, but rather, opportunities for growth. (This only applies if you are actually with the right person in the first place—see section on compatibility.)

      Of course, both partners need to be willing to work on themselves and the relationship. And it’s essential to share a vision and understanding of the purpose of your relationship, so that when stuff comes up, and it will, you remember what you’re doing there in the first place. Here are three understandings I suggest couples adopt:

       1. We have been brought together for the purpose of helping each other grow, and will be each other’s teacher.

       2. Our relationship is a precious gift—it will take us through whatever we need to learn to become more conscious, loving human beings.

       3. The challenges and difficulties we experience will always illuminate our most needed lessons.

      

       4 How do you deal with a partner who is a flirt?

       My boyfriend of two years is a flirt! He’s always staring at other women when we are together, especially certain body parts, and sometimes he even comes on to women right in front of me. When I complain about his behavior, he insists he’s just being “friendly,” and “joking around,” and accuses me of being “insecure” and “jealous.” What do you think?

      

What I think doesn’t count—it’s what you think and feel that matters, and you already know what that is. You think he’s acting like an insensitive jerk, and he is! You don’t need me to validate your opinion, but since you asked, I’ll add a little something! What your boyfriend is doing is totally disrespectful. I call it “leaking sexual energy.” He may not be doing anything physical, but on the astral plane, he’s lusting after, undressing, and probably doing much more to other women, and right in front of you no less. His saying it’s just “friendly” behavior is like someone whose dog is humping your leg telling you the animal is just being friendly. You know it’s much more—you can feel it in your gut.

      As for his accusations that you are “insecure” and “jealous,” those are buzz words men (and women) often use to control their partner, invalidate their feelings, and make them feel something is wrong with them. Don’t fall for it, and don’t let him minimize what he’s doing to you. This is a problem that needs facing.

      See, there’s a difference between “noticing” that another human being is attractive as she walks by, and enjoying the contribution her beauty adds to the world, and, on the other hand, having a wild, ten-second sexual orgy with her in your imagination. The first is acknowledging attractiveness; the second is indulging СКАЧАТЬ