The 100 Most Asked Questions About Love, Sex and Relationships. Barbara Angelis De

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      Okay, here’s what’s happening. You’ve obviously already figured out that it’s no accident that you happen to attract (or be attracted to) men who, in some way, make you feel unloved, and you’re right … there’s a reason it feels “right” when you’re with a man who withholds his love, and a reason it feels “wrong” when a man gives you all the love you’ve ever wanted. This reason has nothing to do with what your conscious mind tells you about those unloving partners: “You know he is wrong for you. He’s just going to hurt you like the last one. Run in the other direction as fast as you can!!” You may know this is true, but something makes that kind of man so appealing, and that something has to do with your unconscious mind and what I call the “Going Home Syndrome.”

      I came up with the phrase “Going Home Syndrome” to describe how our emotional programming (see Question 12) can cause us to seek out emotional situations that are similar to those we experienced in childhood, regardless of whether those experiences were positive or negative. As human beings, we gravitate toward the familiar. I’ll bet you like to sleep on the same side of the bed each night, park in the same space at work, and go back to your favorite vacation spot. Returning to the familiar is a basic instinct that gives our lives a sense of continuity and safety in a very chaotic and changing universe. Unfortunately, this instinct can work against us when it comes to relationships, in that we may tend to unconsciously seek out emotional situations that are familiar to us.

      Here’s how it works: When you were a young child, your home was the main source of love and safety in your life. Even if there was violence or chaos in your household, it was still “home”—it was where you were fed and had a place to sleep and received some sort of attention. So you associate LOVE with HOME. You also associate HOME with other characteristics, based on your experiences at home. For instance, if your parents fought a lot, you might have an equation in your mind that says HOME = CHAOS. If you weren’t shown much love or affection your equation might be HOME = LONELINESS. If one of your parents was abusive, it might be HOME = FEAR.

      Remember your basic math from school, where you learned:

      If A = B, and B = C, then A = C

      Let’s use this same principle to illustrate “Going Home”:

      If LOVE = HOME, and HOME = CHAOS, then

      LOVE = CHAOS

      If LOVE = HOME, and HOME = LONELINESS, then

      LOVE = LONELINESS

      If LOVE = HOME, and HOME = FEAR, then

      LOVE = FEAR.

      Your mind will equate whatever associations you have about “home” with what love is supposed to feel like. So if home felt like chaos, you might seek unstable partners who will help you create dramatic, chaotic relationships. If home felt like loneliness, you might seek a partner who doesn’t give you enough love, affection, or attention, so that you end up feeling lonely. If home felt like fear, you might attract someone who always criticizes you, or threatens to leave, or makes you jealous, so that you always feel fearful. You unconsciously choose what is familiar— YOU ARE GOING HOME.

      Obviously, we all have positive associations with home as well, which we also seek to reproduce in our adult life. I’ve found, however, that it is the more painful associations that can cause the most trouble, because they are usually unconscious. In other words, if you came from a home where your parents showed you a lot of affection, but criticized one another, you might consciously seek a partner who was very loving, but unconsciously attract someone who was critical.

      In your case, your previous partners were probably all “home” to you, possibly because when you grew up, you either watched your mom or dad be mistreated and abandoned by the other parent, or you felt unloved by one of your parents. So for you, it feels comfortable to be uncomfortable with a man! And this explains your present dilemma. You have love, and therefore passion and sexual attraction, associated in your brain with a sense of danger and pain. Of course you don’t “feel” attracted to your “nice guy”—he makes you feel too good!!

      As I mentioned, I had a very similar pattern for years of my adult life. When I finally met my husband, Jeffrey, I didn’t even realize I was in love for months, because it didn’t “feel right.” I was used to drama, intensity, fear of criticism and loss, insecurity—all signs of an unhealthy relationship. For the first time, I had developed an emotional connection with a man based on friendship, trust, openness, safety, consistency, and true caring, and I hadn’t even recognized it because it felt too peaceful to be love!!

      It took a little while for me to discover СКАЧАТЬ