The 100 Most Asked Questions About Love, Sex and Relationships. Barbara Angelis De
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Название: The 100 Most Asked Questions About Love, Sex and Relationships

Автор: Barbara Angelis De

Издательство: HarperCollins

Жанр: Секс и семейная психология

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isbn: 9780007518869

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СКАЧАТЬ I felt more attracted to him than I had felt to any other man in my life!! So my advice to you is: Don’t break up with this wonderful man. He’s the best thing that ever happened to you. Instead, do some work to explore and heal your emotional programming: LEAVE BEHIND THE PATTERN, NOT THE PERSON!!

      

      

       16 Can a relationship work when you’re in love with your partner’s potential?

       A few months ago I met a man I really care about. We get along well, but he’s going through a difficult time right now. He’s just recovering from a serious drug addiction and a bad divorce in which his ex-wife got most of his savings. I know he has a lot of anger and mistrust from his past, and he has a hard time showing any affection, but inside, he’s a very sensitive, talented person, and I feel like he needs someone to believe in him. Can this relationship work?

      

I wouldn’t call what you’re in a relationship—it’s closer to gambling, and I’m sorry to say the odds are against you. You aren’t in love with who your boyfriend actually is; you’re in love with who you hope he could become. You even talk about him like he is a project, a “fixer-upper.” You’re describing someone who is barely capable of loving himself right now, let alone you. Obviously, every relationship between two people involves some hopes and dreams of how you’d like to see your partner grow and improve. But the key is feeling satisfied with how your mate is today, not living for the future. Having a healthy relationship with a person means loving him for who he is now, not loving him in spite of his situation, or in hope of who he will change into tomorrow.

      Inside, you know all this, yet you ignore the facts because something about this situation is so appealing to you, almost irresistible, and very hard to walk away from. That’s what we need to talk about. People who fall in love with their partner’s potential tend to have several issues of their own that attract them to this kind of situation:

      

      1) You need to be in control in relationships. When you love someone in order to improve him, you get to feel superior. Perhaps you felt controlled or criticized for never being good enough as a child, and now you unconsciously are attracted to someone whom you can turn the tables on.

      2) You get to avoid your own life and dreams by focusing on rehabilitating your partner. When you’re busy looking at how someone else can improve, you don’t have much time left over to face your own sense of inadequacy or your own fears.

      3) You made a decision as a child that you couldn’t get what you wanted. If you felt rejected or unloved as a child, you may have decided you can’t get what you want from people you love, and so you unconsciously seek out a man who doesn’t give you what you want. You’re “going home” (see Question 15).

      If you care about this man, end the relationship now. Does that sound strange? Well, here’s what will happen if you don’t. Soon you will end up feeling angry at him for letting you down, bitter that you wasted so much time with him, and guilty for rejecting him after you promised undying love and patience. Ending it now will free him to do the healing he needs, and will open you up to attracting someone you can love and respect as he is today.

       17 Is there such a thing as being too “picky” when choosing partners?

       I’m single, in my thirties, and having a hard time finding the right person to spend my life with. All of my friends accuse me of being too picky, and warn me that I’ll never find anyone if I don’t compromise more. I’m afraid if I’m less careful, I’ll end up settling for someone who isn’t right for me. What’s the answer?

      

Here’s what “too picky” means: You meet a potential mate who has all of the qualities you’ve been looking for … except you love tennis and he doesn’t, so you disqualify him immediately; or you get to know someone who seems to be just what you’ve always wanted … except she could lose about ten pounds, so you end the relationship. See what I mean? A person is too picky when he finds small things about a potential partner that probably won’t affect the core of the relationship, and uses those missing items as excuses to avoid intimacy and cover up his fear of not being good enough himself—“I’ll reject you before you have a chance to reject me.” So perhaps this describes you, and if it does, take a look at the fear that underlies your hypercritical attitude.

      I have a sense, however, that in your case, you are simply being choosy, not picky. You are holding out for the kind of person you truly want to spend the rest of your life with, one with whom you are highly compatible in all the important areas of your life. I talk about ten areas of compatibility that you should look for in a mate:

      1) Physical style: appearance, personal fitness, and eating habits, etc.

      2) Emotional style: attitude toward relationships and affection, ability to express feelings

      3) Social style: personality traits, how he interacts with others

      4) Intellectual style: educational background, attitude toward learning, creative expressions, cultural experience

      5) Sexual style: sexual experience and skill, ability to enjoy sex, attitude

      6) Communication style: how he communicates, attitude toward communication

      7) Professional/Financial style: relationship with money, attitude toward success, work and organizational habits

      8) Personal Growth style: attitude toward self-improvement, willingness to work on relationship, ability to change self

      9) Spiritual style: attitude toward Higher Power, spiritual practices, philosophy of life, moral views

       10) Hobbies and interests

      You don’t have to have total compatibility in all these areas, but in the ones that are most important to you, you should have very strong compatibility. (For an extensive discussion of compatibility and how to determine it, pick up my book “Are You the One for Me?”)

      The truth is, I wish more people were as “choosy” as you. There would be fewer divorces and dysfunctional relationships. So don’t let yourself be pressured by your family or friends to compromise what you know in your heart is important. And don’t give in to the artificially СКАЧАТЬ