The Rules 2: More Rules to Live and Love By. Ellen Fein

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СКАЧАТЬ in Atlanta. You’re from New York and he’s from Chicago. He comes up to you and asks you to dance. It’s The Rules! You like him a lot. You dance one dance and then another and then another. You feel glued to his side.

      You know you should really walk away, say hello to some college friends you haven’t talked to in years, but you don’t. You figure the two of you live miles apart, who knows if you’ll ever see him again, so what’s the harm with spending five hours with him?

      He asks you to join him for dessert. You say yes. Then he invites you to take a walk with him around the grounds. You agree. He takes your phone number at the end of the evening, kisses you good-bye, and says something about calling you in a few days, maybe visiting New York.

      You’re in love. You fly back home and tell your friends and your mother, and start thinking about your own wedding.

      But because you broke The Rules by spending so much time with him, he either never calls, or calls after a week or two just to say hello but doesn’t make plans to see you. Or he calls and asks you to fly to Chicago to see him, or makes plans to see you in New York but only because he’s going to be there on business anyway. Naturally, you feel hurt and disappointed. Why doesn’t he sound crazy about you? Why doesn’t he want to jump on a plane and see you right away?

      Looking back on the evening—and after reading The Rules—you realize that you didn’t play hard to get. You spent five straight hours with him. He knew you liked him and the challenge was gone.

      We’re not saying that had you walked away or turned him down a couple of times for dances that he would definitely call and pursue a long-distance relationship. Maybe he has a girlfriend in Chicago, maybe he just wanted to have fun at the wedding—nothing more, nothing less.

      But by not doing The Rules, you lessened your chances, you got your hopes up, and you got emotionally involved and hurt. If he was interested and you were more elusive, chances are he would have thought about you on the plane ride home, missed you in Chicago, called sooner, and made plans to see you in New York, even if he didn’t have a business trip there.

      In the future, when you meet someone at a wedding or party whom you may never see again, don’t spend the entire evening with him. Talk to him for fifteen to twenty minutes, dance with him a couple of times, and then excuse yourself to use the ladies’ room or say hello to a friend or just walk around for a while. He should be looking for you during the evening and trying to pin you down for another dance.

      When you spend four or five hours with a man you just met, he no longer finds you as mysterious or interesting, even if he made the first move. When he goes back home, he may not think you’re that special or dream about seeing you again because you were too available.

      The same goes for meeting a man on a business trip. Let’s say you meet a man at a conference. He notices you, strikes up a conversation, and asks you to have dinner with him that evening since he’s leaving town the next morning. You say yes because he’s cute and maybe something will start. You tell yourself you may never cross paths again—he’s from Boston and you’re from San Diego—and you weren’t going to do anything special for dinner anyway but order room service and HBO.

      The Rules answer is to say, “Thank you, but I already have plans.” Why? Because if you see him at the last minute, even if it’s convenient for both of you, some of the challenge evaporates. If he’s interested in you, let him call you and make special plans to visit you. If he can see you at a moment’s notice, he won’t have to long for you and pursue you and whatever interest he had in you may fizzle.

      Don’t think we’re being overly strict about this. We see it happen time and time again. A woman meets a man at a business function or a party who says he’s in town for just a few days and wants to take her to dinner that very night. He’s totally charming and makes her feel special. She tells herself that she would really be missing something if she turned him down. He won’t be in town again for another month.

      He’s a sexy movie producer or a plastic surgeon with offices on both coasts. She says yes—maybe it’s just dinner, maybe she sleeps with him—and she thinks this is the beginning of a whirlwind bicoastal courtship.

      The reality is, it may not be. He may be lying. He may be in town for another week, but figures this way he’ll get what he wants right away. Or he may be married and this is his standard pickup line when he’s out of town. There are men who have a girl in every port. You don’t want to be one of them. But even if he’s sincere, single, and really likes you, the answer is still no to a last-minute date. You think if you say no, he’ll forget you. But Rules girls know that he’ll remember you that much more if you turn him down.

      So the next time you meet a man who asks you to dinner the same night because he’s in town just a few days, say, “I’d love to, but I have other plans.” Let him call you in advance the next time he plans to be in town or make a special trip to see you.

      The only way to know if a man is really interested in you—instead of just filling up a few hours—is to not accept a last-minute date. When you make him wait several days to see you or you make him wait until he’s in town again a month later, he gets to experience longing. If his feelings about you are just lukewarm, he won’t bother to make a date beforehand—by following The Rules, you’ll avoid wasting your time and having your hopes dashed later on. We know quite a few women who were full of hope, but then never heard from Mr. Bicoastal again.

      Here’s another common long-distance scenario. You meet Mr. Right on the first day of a seven-day vacation. Perhaps you’re from different cities in the United States and you meet on a Club Med trip. He speaks to you first, asks you out for that night, and wants to be with you for all seven days and nights. You think, why not? He’s cute. This is the whirlwind romance you always read about and dreamed about.

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