The Baby Sleep Book: How to help your baby to sleep and have a restful night. Martha Sears

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СКАЧАТЬ in their dream, they may believe that the monster is real. There are two schools of thought on monsters and other imaginary creatures. The usual suggestion is to play along and just get rid of the monsters. Or, try to teach your child that monsters are fun and friendly. When your child wakes up frightened about them, you search the bedroom and say things like “no monsters anymore”, “monsters went bye-bye”, “Daddy scared the monsters away”. If he worries at bedtime, you can make a show of ordering the monsters out of the bedroom and reassure your child that they’re not coming back. While we are sceptical of this approach, for some children it does work. The problem is, it’s not true. When you chase monsters away, you’re reinforcing the child’s concern about monsters, and since you say those monsters are indeed real, they can come back.

      Here’s a better alternative: tell your child the truth. Monsters don’t exist. They are pretend. If your child is going through a “seeing-monsters-in-his-sleep” stage, avoid scary TV or cartoons that could be distorted into monsters in his dreams. Your child trusts you. If you say there are no monsters, he will believe you. You might also talk about other things besides monsters that are only pretend, to help your child learn to tell the difference between what’s real (a family pet, elephants at the zoo) and what’s not (characters in cartoons, such as Monsters Inc., animals in story books who talk).

       Nighttime anxiety

       Our three-year-old had been sleeping well on his own for a few months, but now he’s waking up and coming into our room at night. He seems really upset. How can I help him get back to sleeping through the night in his own room?

      Realize your child has a need. He is growing and developing, and new fears and worries are going to come along. Sometimes they will disturb his sleep, and you are right in thinking that he needs your help to cope with his nighttime anxiety.

      Why is your child suddenly feeling insecure about nighttime? There are many possible reasons. Here are just a few:

       Imagination. As kids get older they develop the mental ability to imagine that there is a monster in the closet, a giant hand under the bed (that was Dr Bob’s fear as a child), or something looming in the darkness outside. They don’t necessarily have to see these things first on TV or hear about them in stories. Kids can create these fears all on their own.

       Separation anxiety. This occurs not only around nine months of age, it can also show up again between age 2 and 3. Your happy sleeper becomes anxious because you are not there. Your child needs your physical presence as reassurance that he is safe because you aren’t going anywhere.

       Life changes. Changes in a child’s life, such as starting preschool nursery or childcare, moving, or having a younger sibling can trigger some temporary nighttime anxiety. Changes in the family’s life, such as in a parent’s work schedule, can also affect how well a child sleeps.

      Here are some ideas you can try to help your child learn to sleep through the night again:

      what’s on your child’s mind?

      Do you think that your awake-at-night child is purposefully trying to manipulate you? Do you think he is lying in bed thinking, “Hmmm. I know Mum and Dad are having a relaxing evening. How can I disrupt them? I know, I’ll get up and go ask for a drink of water. I know they hate that!” If your child is really thinking like that at the age of three, then good luck. But we really don’t think kids are that devious (well, not until they are older).

      When your child gets out of bed at night to come find you, you may be tempted to send him back to his own bed with firm orders to stay there. Instead, put yourself into the mind of your child as he crawls back into his own bed, wide awake, and lies there, staring at the wall. “I’m afraid, and my Mummy won’t help me”, he thinks. Or, “I wish my Daddy was here with me.” Remember that a child’s needs are not always rational from an adult’s point of view.

       I don’t want her nighttime memories filled with her screaming from her cot. I don’t want my memories filled with hearing her scream from her cot.

       Talk it out during the day. Sit your child down in the afternoon and tell him that you want to help him with his nighttime worries. Decide on a plan together. Perhaps you will go back to his bed with him when he wakes up, and lie down with him until he falls asleep again. Maybe you will decide to put a mattress or a comforter on the floor in your room, where he can sleep if he gets scared during the night. Maybe you and your child will come up with another idea.

       Act quickly at night. When your child wakes up in the night and comes into your room, don’t get into a debate with him about going back to his own bed. Just do what you planned to do. Take him back to his room and fall asleep together in his bed. Or, get him settled in his little bed in your room. Or let him climb in bed with you. The object here is to get everyone back to sleep without feeding your child’s nighttime fears.

       Enjoy a peaceful day with active play. As we have said before, minimizing the stress in your child’s daytime life will minimize nighttime problems. If the daytime stress is unavoidable, be prepared to live with a few sleep problems until things settle down. Encourage your child to run, jump, and be active during the day. This tires him out, and it also alleviates tension and anxiety.

       Wean him back to sleeping alone. As your child starts to feel more secure at night, you can begin to work on getting him back to sleeping alone. He may decide that if he wakes up he will join you in his special bed in your room without waking you. Or you can take him back to his bed, staying with him just until he’s nearly asleep. Tell him “I’ll be back in a minute to check on you”, and then be sure to come back.

       Dim the lighting. Too much light may keep your child awake, but a nightlight may keep him from being afraid when he wakes up alone in the dark. Keeping the hall light on with the door open is another good option.

why nighttime parenting matters

      Long-term nighttime stress can lead to long-term sleep insecurities that can create daytime insecurities and problems with self-confidence. That’s a mouthful, but we want you to understand it. Picture the following two scenarios:

      Alex is four years old and had been sleeping well in his own room. Bedtime was a relaxing routine of stories, hugs and kisses, and sweet dreams. Until tonight. When his Dad tries to put him to bed, he protests that he wants his Dad to stay with him. When Dad says no, Alex asks for an extra hug and kiss, a longer story, tucking in the covers better, or whatever else he can think of to keep Dad around for an extra minute or two. Dad leaves his room, and Alex starts getting out of bed every five minutes to ask for a drink of water, to find out what his parents are watching on TV, to ask what he’s doing tomorrow, or to complain that he’s hungry. His parents send him directly back to bed, alone. On subsequent nights, Alex’s tactics escalate into complaints of tummy aches and headaches. He takes a long time to fall asleep and doesn’t seem quite as happy and secure in the daytime anymore. He even starts wetting the bed (something he’d never done before). This goes on for years, and as he grows through childhood he feels that bedtime is a time of loss and separation.

      Now let’s meet the same child, but with different parental responses.

      Alex is four years old and had been sleeping well in his own room. Bedtime was a fun routine of stories, hugs and kisses, and sweet dreams. Until tonight. When his Dad tries to put him to bed, he protests that he wants his Dad to stay with him. His Dad gives him an extra long hug, stays СКАЧАТЬ