Anecdotes. Humor from Russia. Михаил Курсеев

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      ***

      An artist is painting a nude model. After that he suggests her to relax and a cup of tea. She puts her cloths on, they drink tea and talk about sundry matters. By and by they got carried away, and all of a sudden a doorbell rang.

      The horror-stricken artist cried out:

      – It’s my wife! Get undressed fast!

      ***

      Two towny boys come home slobbered over the seen at the pig farm. The elder one tells mother:

      – Mom, we saw a pig at the farm that was much thicker and fattier than you!

      The mother slaps the son on the head in hysterics and starts to cry bitterly.

      The younger son tries to calm her down, palms her and says”

      – Calm down, mom… There is not any pig in the whole world thicker than you.

      ***

      A husband and a wife are making love. Suddenly a doorbell rings. The wife’s mother came. The three sit at the table, drinking tea.

      The mother asks: – You don’t seem cheery, son, do you? How do you feel like?

      The son: – As a rabbit!

      The mother: – How come?

      The son: – Because I was torn from my favorite affair and made to look at the anaconda!

      ***

      A husband: – Honey, go to bed without me to-day, we’ll have an in-company party – you know, this and that. I don’t know how long I will linger over there.

      A wife: – Darling, better tell me, until what hour I can surely count on?

      ***

      – Excuse me, young man, can you tell me the time?

      – I can, but roughly.

      – Please, don’t torment…

      – Wednesday, evening….

      ***

      Internet dating.

      – I saw your picture on the Internet, you look so beautiful. Let’s meet.

      – No, I cannot, I am beautiful only pictured.

      ***

      – Doctor, I had an early night yesterday, as you advised me, but still didn’t have enough sleep.

      – Sounds strange, but why?

      – I was thinking almost the whole night: What a good idea was it to have an early night to-day.

      ***

      A frum Jewess bought a parrot and brought it home just to hear:

      – Good day, my name is Sarrochka. I want to fuck.

      Naturally, the lady fell unconscious and when she came around she ran to the rabbi for advice.

      The rabbi said:

      – Don’t worry, go to my friends who have two frum parrots that pray to God from morning till night – they will civilize your Sarrochka.

      The lady did so. She went to the rabbi’s friends, told them the whole story and put the shmatte off the cage to hear again:

      – Good day, my name is Sarrochka. I want to fuck.

      Then one of the host parrots tells the other:

      – Senya, at last, the Lord has heard our prayers.

      ***

      – Why are you divorcing?

      – She is not talking to me half a year already.

      – Take your time and think twice. It’s not so easy to find such a wife.

      ***

      – Surely, you can… if you want to..

      A wife praised a husband as she caught him nodding on the girl next door.

      ***

      A son asks his father:

      – Dad, where the babies come from in the families?

      – They are brought by the stork.

      – You mean, that one with the long nose?

      – Yup!

      – The one that lives in the south?

      – Well, of course!

      – Then I saw him, he came to mom, when you had been away on business trip.

      ***

      A man comes to his friend and finds him playing cards with his dog. Surprised, he asks the friend:

      – Is your dog so wise that he plays poker?

      – No, he is stupid, I invariably win, cause he always wags his tail if the biddable hand comes.

      ***

      An old top asks a sales clerk un the store: – Do you have a swimming cap? – No. – And a hockey-stick? – No. – Then, skies? – No! This is actually a liquor shop… – OK, then, give me a bottle of vodka, – and silently to himself, – God is my witness, that I wanted to sport.

      ***

      A boy went on to bicycle.

      Soon he comes back home driving a fancy Mercedes!

      The parents ask him surprisingly:

      – Whose Benz is it?

      – Mine. I bought it.

      – Well, do you know its cost?

      – Sure, I do! A lady from that villa stopped me in the street and told: “Hey, you are such a big boy but ride a two-wheeled so far. Buy a Benz from me for 50 rubles”. Well, I bought it.

      Mom and Dad ran to that lady.

      – You sold the Benz to our son for fifty rubles, didn’t you?

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