Around the World with Josiah Allen's Wife. Marietta Holley

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СКАЧАТЬ and sympathy onto the female Mormons. But havin’ a mind like a oxes for strength, I begun 50 to see matters in a new light, and I begun to spozen to myself, even whilst I sot there with my tongue keepin’ up a light dialogue on the weather, the country, etc., with the man and his wife (’leven on ’em). I spozed what if they should all git mad at him at one time how wuz he goin’ to bear their ’leven rages flashin’ from twenty-two eyes, snortin’ from ’leven upturned noses, fallin’ from ’leven angry voices, and the angry jesters from twenty-two scornful hands. Spozein’ they all got to weepin’ on his shoulder at one time how could one shoulder blade stand it under the united weight of ’leven full-sized females, most two ton of ’em, amidst more’n forty-four nervous sobs, for they would naterally gin more’n two apiece. In sickness now, if they wanted to soothe his achin’ brow, and of course they would all want to, and have the right to. But how could twenty-two hands rest on that one small fore-top? Sixty-six rubs at the least figger, for if they stroked his forehead at all they would want to stroke it three times apiece, poor creeter! would not delerium ensue instead of sooth? And spozein’ they all took it into their heads to hang on his arm with both arms fondly whilst out walkin’ by moonlight, how could twenty-two arms be accommodated by two small scrawny elbows?

      It couldn’t be done. And as I mused on’t I spoke right out onbeknown to me, and sez I:

      “The Lord never meant it to be so; it hain’t reasonable; it’s aginst common sense.”

      And the hull twelve sez, “What didn’t the Lord mean? What wuz aginst common sense?”

      And bein’ ketched at it, I sez, “The Mormon doctrine;” sez I, “to say nothin’ on moral and spiritual grounds, and state rights, it’s against reason and good sense.”

      I felt mortified to think I had spoke out loud, but had to stand my ground after I had said it.

      But they all said that the Mormon doctrine wuz the true belief, that it wuz writ in heaven, then it wuz engraved on plates, and dug up by Joe Smith, a Latter Day Saint.

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      Sez I, “If anybody trys to prove sunthin’ they want to, they can most always dig up sunthin’ to prove it. You say a man dug this plate up; what if some woman should go to diggin’ and find a plate provin’ that one woman ort to have ’leven husbands?”

      “Oh, no!” sez the man in deep scorn, “no such plate could be found!”

      The wimmen all looked as if they would kinder like to see such dishes, but they all sez faintly, “We don’t spoze that it could be found.”

      “But,” I sez, “you don’t know how many plates there are in the ground, nor who’ll dig ’em up.”

      “Oh, that idee is preposterous!” sez the man, as visions of dividin’ one woman’s heart into eleven parts and reignin’ over that little mossel riz up before him. “Men never would agree to that; there would be mutiny, internal bloodshed and sizm.”

      “Well,” sez I, “mebby there is more or less internal heart bleedin’ goin’ on in the wimmen’s hearts that have to divide a man’s love and care a dozen times.” Sez I, “A hull man’s hull affections are onstiddy and wobblin’ and oncertain enough without dividin’ it up so many times.”

      Them wimmen wuz touched. I see a answerin’ gleam of understandin’ come into about twenty-one eyes as I spoke; one on ’em stood firm and looked hauty and cast iron, but I mistrusted it wuz a glass eye, but don’t know, it might have been principle.

      And even on the man’s small-sized countenance my words had seemed to make a impression. But yet he didn’t want to give up in a minute; he spoke of how the Mormons had flourished since they come to Utah, how they had turned the desert into a garden, and he felt that the Lord must look on ’em favorable or they wouldn’t be so prosperous.

      “Yes,” sez I, not wantin’ to lie, “your country is beautiful, it is in a flourishing state, and shows the good results of systematic labor, industry and ambition; you have made the 52 desert bloom like the rosy, many of your ways and customs might be follered with profit by older communities, and more orthodox accordin’ to my idees. But I don’t know as your flourishin’ in worldly affairs is any sign of God’s favor,” and I mentioned the scripter concernin’ who it wuz that flourished like the green bayberry tree. So bein’ driv out of that argument, he sez, forgittin’ his own eleven proofs aginst his story bein’ true:

      “Polygamy is done away with anyway; the United States have abolished it in Utah.”

      And I sez: “Well, I should be glad to think that wuz so, for one husband and one wife is as much as the Lord in his mercy ort to ask one human creeter to tend to and put up with. Not but what marriage is a beautiful institution and full of happiness if Love props it up and gilds it with its blessed ray. But one is enough,” sez I firmly, “and enough is as good as a feast.”

      Miss Meechim sot silently by durin’ this eloquent discussion––what she felt, she that abhorred the institution of marriage anyway––what she felt to look on and see folks so much married as these wuz, will forever remain a secret, but her looks wuz queer, very, and her nose fairly sought the heavens, it wuz held so high. A few of the wives brought in some refreshments to refresh us, and a few more waited on us and the small husband of their eleven hearts, and almost immegiately we tore ourselves away, takin’ in ourn as we left, the hand of the husband and the eleven right hands of the wife.

      That evenin’ I wuz told I wuz wanted in the parlor, and as I entered quite a good lookin’ Mormon man got up and advanced and broke out to once askin’ my help. He said he’d read in the paper that I wuz there to that tarven, and knowin’ I stood so high with the public he had ventered to ask my help. He had political yearnin’s and wanted to set in the Senate, but as I stood firm as iron again that idee his linement grew almost frenzied, and sez he:

      “Do help me, do use your influence with your President. 53 He’s afraid of race suicide; tell him I’m the father of forty-seven children––will not that touch his heart?”

      “Not a mite!” sez I, “his heart is as true as steel to his one wife and six children. It is a good manly heart that can’t be led off by any such brazen statements.”

      His linement looked lurid and half demented as he sez, “Mebby some high church dignitaries would help me. Or no,” sez he, “go to the head of it all, go to the Liquor Power––that’s the place to go to, that rules Church and State, that makes the laws. Oh, do go to the Liquor Power, and git it to let me set. I’ll pay their usual price for makin’ personal laws in a man’s favor.”

      The cold glare in my gray eye froze the words on his lip. “You ask me to go to the Liquor Power for help! Do you know who you’re speakin’ to?”

      “Yes,” sez he feebly, “I’m speakin’ to Josiah Allen’s wife, and I want to set.”

      His axent wuz heartbroken and I fancied that there wuz a little tone of repentance in it. Could I influence him for the right? Could I frighten him into the right path? I felt I must try, and I sez in a low, deep voice:

      “I’ll help you to set if you’ll set where I want you to.”

      “Oh, tell me! tell me,” sez he, “where you want me to set.”

      “Not in the high halls where justice is administered, not up there with the pictures of your numerous wives on your СКАЧАТЬ