Windows of Opportunities. Heinrich Psscht

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СКАЧАТЬ are you out of your mind? How can a stork possibly get into the nozzle? We are in another galaxy! What sort of crap do they teach you in the academies! Don’t you understand? Nothing can fly into the nozzle! On the contrary, a hot plasma under very high pressure gets out of the nozzle! Got it? Repeat!

      – Hot plasma under very high pressure gets out of the nozzle, sir!

      – Good! So, what happened?

      – We have a stork in the nozzle!

      – Here you go again! Where is the stork?

      – In the nozzle, sir! This is the code word, sir!

      – Code word! What code word? What? Reverse the engine at once! Stop! Don’t reverse the engine! You can’t, when there is a stork in the nozzle, or we croak out! Send a signal to the base immediately! We have a stork in the nozzle! Just tell them right away that this is a code word so that they don’t laugh like wild horses there. This is a serious matter!

      – Will do, sir!

      Conference

      – Hans, what have you got on your screen?

      – A conference, sir!

      – A conference? Rubbish! How is it possible? We are in another galaxy! Moreover, in the very ass of that galaxy, a signal needs millions of years to hit that ass and be smeared over it evenly like mustard…

      – They teleported the conference, sir, time-corrected of course, at the previous jump, along with all possible questions and answers to them.

      – And what is the topic? Safety of flights?

      – Yes, sir.

      – Well, come on, let’s start with the questions… All possible ones… What should we do if the ship gets into an asteroid belt?

      – Not relevant to the topic, no answer, sir.

      – Just as I thought! And what should we do when a ship enters a gas nebula?

      – Now, sir, let me find out… Strange, there is nothing about that either!

      – What is there then?

      – Classification of emergency events, the procedure for preparing the ship for emergency evacuation, the procedure for emergency shutdown of the engines, the sequence of leaving the ship…

      – I see! Hans, we are in the ass of the Universe, and we are told to leave the ship in case of any malfunction! Probably, so that we, with our stupid remains lying in uncomfortable positions and emitting a cosmic stench, do not trouble the brightest minds of the Supreme Commission.

      – Quite so, sir!

      Intern

      – Hans, we will have an intern onboard with us, a trainee. Just teleported…

      – A trainee, sir?

      – Yes, please welcome trainee Lisa. Anthropomorphic servitor, third class, the latest model.

      – Is she a robot, sir?

      Lisa (with a smile). It’s politically incorrect to call anthropomorphic servitors robots. I am a functional analogue of a team member, my efficiency ratio is 65 to 170, and my efficiency factor is 90-60-90. I am waiting for your instructions, sir!

      – Not bad, not bad, Lisa, do get used to it gradually, I will soon need a report on fuel consumption for the last 4 years with corrections for space curvature and the effect of Kruger acceleration.

      Lisa. – It’s already done! On your desktop, sir.

      – Good, and please compare our expense with that of ships of the same class performing similar missions.

      Lisa. – Added to the report, sir!

      – Hans, got the drift?

      (Hans is chatting with Lisa, they are laughing).

      – Hans, are you alright, can you lend me your ear?

      – Who, I? Yes, sir, of course we are all right. To my mind…

      – Hans, according to the report, we should now have 982.4 units of fuel on board, resource 97. And what is the fuel meter reading? Hans, can you hear me?

      – Oh, sir? Sorry, have you asked something?

      – I did ask how much fuel we have?

      – Fuel, sir?

      – Fuel, Hans! F.U.E.L. How much?

      – 90 to 60, I believe…

      – Are you crazy?! Infatuated or something? She’s a robot, Hans! A robot!

      – But, sir, it’s politically incorrect to call anthropomorphic servitors robots…

      – Liza, go to the cargo hold and perform the first category maintenance there! Hans, What The Femme! Do we really need problems with an anthropomorphic broad on board?

      – Sorry sir, she looks so much like my girlfriend…

      – Hans, at your age, everyone looks like your girlfriend, everyone who moves… When she’s finished cleaning, I’ll send her off for an upgrade to a second-class servitor with the best recommendations. May she serve somewhere far away from here…

      – Should I help her in the cargo hold, sir?

      – What for? With her coefficients of utility and efficiency, you would only interfere with her! There is more important work for you!

      – What work, sir?

      – Recalculate the fuel report!

      – Sir, so we won’t have an intern anymore?

      – Nope! Unless they’ve designed a crocomorphic servitor specially for you, but I doubt it…

      Air

      – Hans, we seem to be losing air! I can’t breathe!

      – I’m doing the airing, sir!

      – You’re out of your mind, Hans! We are in another galaxy! How can you do the airing in an airless space?

      – Well, I’m bleeding the air out, sir. After a while, the air cylinders will open, and the pressure will be restored!

      – But why are you doing this?

      – Stinking beetles, sir! I don’t understand where they came from! Especially as we are in another galaxy as you rightly say!

      – These stinkers are from our galaxy, that is, they bear the smell of our homeland, like it or not, СКАЧАТЬ