But Inside I'm Screaming. Elizabeth Flock

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      This is hell. I’m in hell.

      “Thirty seconds are up,” the nameless nurse excitedly announces. “Everyone on the B team get up and move to the right and sit with a new A partner. Remember, the A group stays put and lets the B group shift partners around the room so by the end of the exercise we’ll all have had the chance to visit with one another.”

      Isabel seethes.

      They explained the concept of this asinine group exercise four minutes ago. Is everybody so zoned out on tranquilizers they’ll forget what we’re doing here in four fucking minutes?

      “The new topic is pets. Remember, no interruptions from your partner. Go!” The group leader seems orgasmic.

      Ben lumbers away and a sad-looking woman named Lark lowers herself into his place. Lark is a forty-something woman who, because she always looks as if she’s one sentence away from bursting into tears, seems much older. She is too young for osteoporosis but she seems to know its calling cards: she hunches over and looks brittle, like if you hugged her too hard she’d break.

      Pets. Hmm. Buck. And my little kittens.

      Isabel’s mind is a slide show of the pets she shared with Alex.

      You disgust me.

      Stop it. Just stop.

      Isabel is concentrating so hard on quieting the voices she is not able to explain that she has lost custody of her two cats and dog to her soon-to-be ex-husband. The group leader tells them to shift partners again.

      Great. I now know that Ben loves Southern barbecue and that I never miss the chance to cry in public.

      Lark looks straight at Isabel before she gets up to continue on. As Isabel blows her nose she realizes Lark is looking straight through her and as she stares, a single tear falls down her bloated face. After a moment and with considerable effort, Lark silently hoists herself out of the chair, making room for Isabel’s next partner.

      “We haven’t met yet.” The woman who on Isabel’s first day had been in the jacket is smiling at her—extending her hand to be shaken. “I’m Regina.”

      Isabel looks from Regina’s face to her hand and back to her face. Unfazed, Regina withdraws her hand and sits down across from Isabel.

      “Fish.”

      “Huh?”

      “Fish.” Regina repeats the word and waits for it to make sense to Isabel.

      “I don’t follow.”

      “I have pet fish,” she says in a tone of exasperation. “They like to ride with me on my bike. Well, in the basket on my bike, actually. I keep a leash around their bowl just in case…”

      Two weeks ago I was covering the Middle East peace summit at the White House. Two weeks ago.

      “…people don’t stop at stop signs anymore so I say—you can’t be too careful. That leash gives me peace of mind, let me tell you.”

      “Excuse me. Regina, is it?” Isabel asks. Regina nods her head, eager to hear her partner’s comments.

      “Regina, I want to tell you something.”

      Regina shimmies up to the edge of her seat.

      “I don’t care about your fish,” Isabel says.

      Not only do I not give a shit about your goldfish but I think you’re a freak. Everyone here is a freak—come to think of it. I don’t want to hear about everyone else’s pets or whether the barbecue sauce here can compare to some shithole in some godforsaken town in Minnesota or whether someone’s mother neglected them in early childhood—which, I’m sure, is a topic we’ll be covering in great depth in group therapy.

      “I really don’t care about your fish,” she says again.

      Regina stiffens in her seat.

      Isabel continues. “I just want to get out of here, okay? I’m only here because I screwed up and didn’t take enough Tylenol PM—not because I want to talk about my childhood or my pets.”

      Exhausted, Isabel sinks back into her chair and looks out the window.

      Unfazed, Regina shuffles over to a free chair across the room.

      “Sukanya, I notice you haven’t taken part in this exercise.” The nameless nurse is looking at a young woman with long, dirty hair who has remained silent in the corner of the room. “Can you tell us why you have decided not to participate?”

      Isabel looks at Sukanya, who has been catatonic since she arrived at Three Breezes.

      The only thing she has uttered, to Isabel’s morbid fascination, is “I’d prefer not to say.” And, right on cue, Sukanya fixes her stare on the overenthusiastic nurse and quietly repeats her mantra: “I’d prefer not to say.”

      The nurse pauses for a second, clearly trying to decide whether to pursue Sukanya’s cryptic reply or cut her losses and proceed on with the group.

      “Well, it looks like time is up for this session.” She directs her attention to the rest of the room. “You’ll gather here again in two hours for another group. That’s two hours, people.”

      She definitely dots her i’s with smiley faces. And does that annoying sideways smiley face on her e-mails.

      Everyone files out of the makeshift living room on the unit. Everyone except Sukanya. She stays in the same chair all day long. Group therapy sessions may come and go around her but she just sits there.

      I wonder if there are such things as bed sores for people who sit. Chair sores.

      Isabel, who has just learned that she can indeed go outside the unit for fifteen minutes at a time during breaks pushes the door open and lines up at the box lighter to smoke.

      Kristen is already out there, sucking the air out of her cigarette as if her life depended on it.

      Lark is there, too, even though she has been warned by her doctors not to smoke because she has extreme asthma.

      “So what’s the deal with Sukanya,” Isabel asks Kristen as she inhales. Isabel and Kristen seem to recognize in each other an unspoken similarity, perhaps in background or in mentality. They look alike—both are thirty-something, career-types, and their social skills mirror each other’s. To Isabel, Kristen seems like someone she might have been friends with outside of Three Breezes, had the circumstances been different.

      “I don’t know,” Kristen answers. “I can’t even imagine what must’ve happened to her. Or what’s wrong with her.”

      “Does she ever have visitors?”

      “I saw her parents once—at least I assume they’re her parents. They brought her Beanie Babies. Like twenty of them. They were all wrapped up in tissue—each one individually СКАЧАТЬ