Loveless. Alice Oseman

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СКАЧАТЬ not say it.’

      So she didn’t.

      ‘You know, the idea – the idea of it is nice. The idea of liking Tommy and kissing Tommy and having some cute little moment by the fire after prom. That’s so nice. That’s what I wanted.’ I felt myself clench the steering wheel. ‘But the reality disgusts me.’

      They didn’t say anything. Even Pip, who’d always been a chatty drunk. Even my best friends couldn’t think of a single comforting word.

      ‘Well … This has been a good night, right?’ Pip slurred as she stumbled out of my car. She held the front passenger door open and pointed dramatically at me, the streetlamps reflecting in her glasses. ‘You. Very good. Outstanding. And you –’ she prodded Jason in the chest as he moved into the front seat – ‘excellent. Really excellent work.’

      ‘Drink water,’ said Jason, patting her on the head.

      We watched her walk up to her front door and get gently chastised by her mum for being drunk. Her dad waved at us, and we waved back, and then I started the engine and we drove away. It could have been a good night. It could have been the best night of my life, if I’d actually had a crush on Tommy.

      The next stop was Jason’s. He lived in a house built by his dads, who were both architects. Rob and Mitch had met at university – they were doing the same course – and ended up competing for the same architecture apprenticeship. Rob won, which he claims he earned, but Mitch always claims he let Rob win because he liked him.

      When we arrived, I said, ‘Most people our age have kissed someone.’

      And he said, ‘That doesn’t matter.’

      But I knew it did. It mattered. It was not random that I was the one who was falling behind. Everything that had happened that night was a sign that I needed to try harder, or I would be alone for the rest of my life.

      ‘I don’t feel like a real teenager,’ I said. ‘I think I failed at it.’ And Jason clearly didn’t know what to say to that, because he said nothing.

      Sitting in my car on the drive of my family home, the ghost of a boy’s hand on my thigh, I made a plan.

      I was going to university soon. A chance to reinvent myself and become someone who could fall in love, someone who would fit in with my family, with people my age, with the world. I’d make a load of new friends. I’d join societies. I’d get a boyfriend. Or a girlfriend, even. A partner. I’d have my first kiss, and I’d have sex. I was just a late bloomer. I wasn’t going to die alone.

      I was going to try harder.

      I wanted forever love.

      I didn’t want to be loveless.

      

      The drive to Durham University was six hours long, and I spent most of it replying to Pip’s barrage of Facebook messages. Jason had already travelled up there a couple of days earlier, and Pip and I had hoped to go together, but it turned out that my bags and boxes had taken up the whole of my dad’s car boot and most of the back seats. We settled for messaging and trying to spot each other on the motorway.

       Felipa Quintana

      New game!!!!!

      If we spot each other on the motorway we get 10 points

       Georgia Warr

      what do we get if we have the most points

       Felipa Quintana

      Eternal glory

       Georgia Warr

      love me a sweet cup of eternal glory

       Felipa Quintana

      DUDE I JUST SAW YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!

      I waved but you didn’t see me

      Rejection

      A modern tragedy by Felipa Quintana

       Georgia Warr

      you’ll get over it

       Felipa Quintana

      I’ll need intense therapy

      You’re paying

       Georgia Warr

      i’m not paying for your therapy

       Felipa Quintana

      Rude

      I thought you were my friend

       Georgia Warr

      use your 10 points to pay for therapy

       Felipa Quintana

      MAYBE I WILL

      The drive was hideously long, actually, even with Pip’s messages for company. Dad was asleep for most of it. Mum insisted she got to choose the radio station since she was driving, and it was all motorway, flashes of grey and green, with only one stop at a service station. Mum bought me a packet of crisps, but I was too nervous about the day ahead to eat them, so they just sat in my lap, unopened.

      ‘You never know,’ Mum had said, in an attempt to cheer me up, ‘you might find a lovely young man on your course!’

      ‘Maybe,’ I said. Or a lovely young woman. God, anybody. Please. I’m desperate.

      ‘Lots of people meet their life partner at university. Like me and Dad.’

      Mum regularly pointed out boys she thought I would find attractive, as if I could just go up to someone and ask them out. I never thought any of her choices were attractive anyway. But she was hopeful. Mostly out of curiosity, I think. She wanted to know what sort of person I would choose, like when you’re watching a movie and waiting for the love interest to appear.

      ‘Yeah, maybe,’ I said, not wanting to tell her that her attempt at cheering me up was just making me feel worse. ‘That’d be nice.’

      I was starting to feel a bit like I was going to be sick.

      But everyone probably felt this way about starting university.

      Durham is a little old city with lots of hills and cobbled streets, and I loved it because I felt like I was in СКАЧАТЬ