Loveless. Alice Oseman

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СКАЧАТЬ in the corridor, I was about to cry so I said I needed to pee and went upstairs to find the loo. When I reached the bathroom, I examined my reflection, rubbing under my eyes so my mascara didn’t smudge. I swallowed the tears down. I wasn’t going to cry. I did not cry in front of anybody.

      I hadn’t realised.

      I hadn’t realised how behind I was. I’d spent so much time thinking that my one true love would just show up one day. I had been wrong. I had been so, so wrong. Everyone else was growing up, kissing, having sex, falling in love, and I was just …

      I was just a child.

      And if I carried on like this … would I be alone forever?

      ‘Georgia!’

      Pip’s voice. I made sure my tears were gone by the time I exited the bathroom. And she didn’t suspect a thing.

      ‘They’re so fucking dumb,’ she said.

      ‘Yeah,’ I agreed.

      She tried to smile warmly at me. ‘You know you’ll find someone eventually, right?’

      ‘Yeah.’

      ‘You know you’ll find someone eventually. Everyone does. You’ll see.’

      Jason was looking at me with a sad expression on his face. Pitying, maybe. Was he pitying me too?

      ‘Am I wasting being a teenager?’ I asked them. And they told me no, like best friends would, but it was too late. This was the wake-up call I’d needed.

      I needed to kiss someone before it was too late.

      And that someone had to be Tommy.

      

      I let Pip and Jason go back downstairs to get drinks, using the excuse that I wanted to get my jacket from one of the guest bedrooms because I was cold, and then I just stood in the dark corridor, trying to breathe and collect my thoughts.

      Everything was OK. It wasn’t too late.

      I wasn’t weird or disgusting.

      I had time to make my move.

      I located my jacket, and also found a bowl of cocktail sausages balanced on a radiator, so picked those up too. As I walked back down the corridor, I saw that another bedroom door was ajar, so I peered inside, only to get an absolute eyeful of someone very clearly getting fingered.

      It sent a sort of shockwave through my spine. Like, wow, OK. I forgot people actually did that in real life. It was fun to read about in fanfics and see in movies, but the reality was kind of just like, Oh. Yikes. I’m uncomfortable, get me out of here.

      That aside – surely you’d think to shut the door properly if someone was going to put a body part inside of you.

      It was hard to picture myself in a situation like that. Honestly, I loved the idea in theory – having a sexy little adventure in a dark room in someone else’s house with someone you’ve been on-and-off flirting with for a couple of months – but the reality? Having to actually touch genitals with someone? Ew.

      I guess it took time for people to be ready for stuff like that. And you’d have to find someone you felt comfortable with. I’d never even interacted with anyone I wanted to kiss, let alone someone I wanted to …

      I looked down at my bowl of cocktail sausages. Suddenly I was not very hungry any more.

      And then a voice broke the silence around me.

      ‘Hey,’ said the voice, and I looked up, and there was Tommy.

      This was the first time I had talked to Tommy in my life.

      I’d seen him a lot, obviously. At the few house parties I’d been to. Sometimes at the school gate. When he joined our school for sixth form, we didn’t take any of the same subjects, but we occasionally passed in the corridor.

      I’d always felt sort of nervous when he was nearby. I figured this was because of the crush.

      I didn’t really know how I was supposed to act around him.

      Tommy pointed at the bedroom. ‘Is anyone in there? I think my coat’s on the bed.’

      ‘I think someone’s getting fingered in there,’ I said, hopefully not loud enough for the people in question to hear.

      Tommy dropped his hand. ‘Oh. Right. OK, then. Um. I guess I’ll get it later.’

      There was a pause. We stood awkwardly outside the door. We couldn’t hear the two people inside the bedroom, but just knowing it was happening, and we were both aware of it, made me want to die.

      ‘How are you?’ he asked.

      ‘Oh, you know,’ I said, holding up the bowl of sausages. ‘I have sausages.’

      Tommy nodded. ‘Good. Good for you.’

      ‘Thanks.’

      ‘You look really nice, by the way.’

      My prom dress was sparkly and lilac, and I felt fairly uncomfortable in it compared to my usual patterned knits and high-waisted jeans, but I thought I looked nice, so it was good to have confirmation. ‘Thanks.’

      ‘Sorry about the truth or dare game.’ He chuckled. ‘People can be such twats. For the record, I didn’t have my first kiss until I was seventeen.’

      ‘Really?’

      ‘Yeah. I know it’s kind of late, but … you know, it’s better to wait until it feels right, isn’t it?’

      ‘Yeah,’ I agreed, but I was just thinking that if seventeen was ‘late’, then I must be basically geriatric.

      This all felt weird. Tommy had been my crush for seven years. He was talking to me. Why wasn’t I jumping for joy right now?

      Thankfully at that moment my phone buzzed. I retrieved it from my bra.

       Felipa Quintana

      Sexcuse me buts where are you

      Haha sex

      I said sex accidentally

      And BUTS

      Haha butts

       Jason Farley-Shaw

      Please return before pip has another glass of wine

       Felipa Quintana

      Stop subtweeting me in our own group chat when I’m standing СКАЧАТЬ