Being Amber. Sylvia Ryan

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СКАЧАТЬ are developed and in place from birth. They went to the classes gladly. Every parent was desperate to have their one and only child live a happier life than they had. They were hopeful that this program was the solution, so they rigorously followed the recommendations and totally immersed us in an environment of unconditional acceptance and almost constant touch.

      “Now, people who have been born and raised as Ambers, our generation, have a stronger connection with each other. We have built in coping skills to help us deal with the Repopulation Laws as well as all of the inevitable catastrophic illnesses that many of us were diagnosed with at our genetic testing.”

      “Here in Amber, we don’t have the invisible don’t-touch zone around us like you had in Sapphire. Touching is no different for us than breathing,” Jordan cut in. “We just do it. We don’t think about it. It’s such an intrinsic part of our lives that many Ambers have difficulty going periods of time without the support of someone else’s touch.”

      Jaci studied Jordan as she spoke. She was short-haired, petite and fit. Definitely a no-nonsense type of woman. Somebody who would fit in with a crowd of men as well, or maybe even better than with a crowd of women.

      “You may not realize it now, but we’re helping you heal, emotionally and physically, with our presence, our touch and our support,” Emily said.

      There was a lull in the conversation. The women let what they’d said sink in. For long moments, a relaxed silence filled the room. Jaci looked at the four of them surrounding her, touching her.

      Jaci closed her eyes to escape the scrutiny of the women. Just yesterday, she would have preferred death to life in Amber. Maybe it wouldn’t be as bad here as she thought. A surge of hope took up residence within her. She did feel emotionally better today, surrounded by these women, than she did yesterday. Could it be true? Could she feel included, happy even, being Amber?

      Jaci opened her eyes and looked at each one of them individually. She had the feeling they would sit there and wait for her, holding her, hugging her, raking their fingers through her hair as long as she needed it. Overcome by the depth of sincerity and acceptance she felt from these women, she nodded her head slowly in understanding.

      “Let’s take a break. I have to pee, and I need some tea and food,” Hannah said, slicing through the silence. They all answered in murmurs of soft agreement, getting up from their places on the bed. Jordan and Emily went to the kitchen together.

      When Hannah returned from the bathroom, she and Caroline helped Jaci from the bed to the toilet and closed the door behind them as they left.

      After she went to the bathroom, Jaci took stock of herself. She noticed the removal of the mandatory birth control device that had been implanted in her arm since she was sixteen. She wouldn’t need it now. She poked at the two small stitches in her skin from the removal procedure. They didn’t hurt.

      She lifted up the front of her hospital gown and took off the dressing covering her incisions. The two horizontal cuts in her skin were an angry red with vertical strips of tape keeping them closed.

      That’s it. It was done.

      Jaci’s emotions plummeted. Like falling through thin ice, cold anguish enveloped her. The quickness and magnitude of the plunge caught her off guard. She groaned aloud and fell to her knees, bracing herself on the edge of the tub. “Oh fuck, fuck, fuck,” she sobbed almost imperceptibly.

      It didn’t matter. None of the things the women told her today mattered. It was a distraction, giving her false hope that her future here in Amber was going to be tolerable. Her life was not a fairy tale, and she wasn’t going to find happily ever after here.

      Jaci laid her cheek on the cool surface of the rim of the tub as she cycled through the physical and mental assault of her new life.

      There was a tap on the bathroom door before it opened. Caroline entered and closed the door gently behind her. “I shouldn’t have left you alone. I’m so sorry. I should have known better.” She rubbed Jaci’s back and combed her fingers through her hair, hushing her and whispering encouragements.

      It took several minutes before Jaci pulled herself together and straightened her spine. “I’m okay.”

      “Let’s get this redressed.” Caroline helped Jaci up and grabbed the box of surg patches sitting on the counter next to the sink. She placed a fresh one on each of Jaci’s wounds. “They’ve definitely perfected this procedure over the years. You’ll be feeling pretty good by tomorrow,” she said unfazed as if she always found women in crumpled heaps on their bathroom floor.

      When they finally exited the bathroom, she found that the other women had laid tea, bagels, and muffins on a tray in the middle of the bed. They helped Jaci in, propping her on pillows until she was comfortable and sitting up enough to eat.

      They ate in relative silence with only snippets about the food and tea breaking the quiet. It gave Jaci time to process the information from the morning and stabilize her mood.

      “So, do the men take advantage of this touching thing? You know, sexually? I mean how do you know if a man is touching you because he likes you or just because it’s what everybody does?”

      “Now that’s the question isn’t it,” Emily said, laughing. “I like the way you think. The mind seems to travel right to the guys, doesn’t it? Doesn’t matter if you’re an Amber or a Diamond.”

      “You especially are going to have countless people, both men and women, touching you a lot,” Caroline said.

      “Why me especially?”

      “Because you’re a fallow. Women who’ve been sterilized before having their baby, the ones that had the choice to have a child totally taken away from them, are honored members of our community. Ambers have been raised to give special attention, support and acceptance to fallows. You’ve made the ultimate sacrifice. Your loss does not go unnoticed here. It’s a part of our culture, and I think defines who we are as a community. We’re always trying to make life easier to live.”

      “That’s part of the reason why there was a u-com sent about you to the building yesterday,” Hannah said softly, looking with kindness into Jaci’s eyes. “Every woman here will be sterilized eventually, but after we’ve given birth to a child. There are fewer women identified with Automatic Disqualifier genes, resulting in less fallows than there used to be and even fewer from different zones like you, so you’re a big deal.”

      “And the info gets around. The coms about your arrival yesterday were flying. Plus, people talk. Pretty much every woman in the building tried to stop by last night. I had to have Xander drive them away at the door,” Caroline said.

      “Xander?”

      “Xander’s your roommate.” Emily piped in.

      “I have a male roommate?”

      “Yeah, we all do,” Emily said. “Except for Caroline. She hasn’t had a roommate for how long now Caroline?

      “Over a year.”

      “How do they keep managing to skip over you?” Jordan asked.

      Caroline shrugged.

      “Anyways,” Emily went on with a wave of her hand. “All single Ambers are paired up boy-girl.”

      “It’s СКАЧАТЬ