Being Amber. Sylvia Ryan

Чтение книги онлайн.

СКАЧАТЬ her after she took the pills. No words were necessary from him. His expression told her everything she needed to know. He was seriously pissed off about it and nothing like that would be happening again.

      “So you only work twenty hours a week too?” Jaci asked, trying to change the subject.

      “Yeah. I do two ten-hour days–Tuesdays and Wednesdays unless I’m working on an ongoing case. Then my hours adjust if they have to. It all eventually washes out to twenty hours per week in the end. It’s a nice gig.

      “We don’t have much crime here, since there’s no paper money and few valuables. Thieves try to sneak out of the Amber Zone to steal. Violent crimes are practically nonexistent. I think it’s because people are rarely alone enough to get away with much of anything. Once in a while we’ll get a call about a fistfight, usually it’s over a woman.” Xander reclined at the foot of the bed, propping his head up on his hand and absently touching the hills made by Jaci’s toes under the blanket.

      Their eyes met again. He was doing it on purpose, trying to catch her gaze. Instinctively, she looked away. Her face flushed. He was an intense man. When he looked at her like that, she felt like he knew every secret in her soul. She liked it. In that moment, she wanted him to look at her like that for the rest of her life.

      Jaci glanced at Caroline, who rolled her eyes again. “Okay, get on out of here, Xander. Jaci has to clean up and change. She’s had enough of you for now.” Caroline shooed him away toward the door.

      “Let me grab my clothes, jeez,” he said, ducking away from her. “I’m going to take a shower at your place,” he grumbled over his shoulder as he grabbed his clothes and strode out the door. Jaci’s gaze followed him all the way. He was magnificent to look at and as she watched him go, something inside her shifted. Suddenly she wanted more of him. She needed him to come back.

      “Now listen.” Caroline’s voice intruded on the longing that started to develop inside her. “We have a few more things to cover before tonight.”

      That caught her attention. “What do you mean ‘before tonight’?”

      A knock sounded at the door, and Caroline walked over to let Jordan in. The hallway was crowded with people.

      “What’s going on out there?” Jaci asked.

      “There’s a bigger gathering than usual because people have been wanting to come in,” she said, closing the door and walking back over to the bed. “Our open way of living is literally that. Open. When we’re home, we usually leave our front doors open. People come in and visit, watch a movie, eat, talk, sleep. You literally are never alone here. Most people stick to roaming their own building and you’ll get to know the people on your own floor the best.

      “Let’s put it this way,” Jordan said. “If your door is closed, you’re either not home, showering or doing the nasty. And a lot of people don’t even close their doors for that. You could spend a year here and never sleep in your own bed if you didn’t want to.”

      “That explains the crowd I walked through when I left for the Center yesterday morning. People were touching me when I walked by. I didn’t even realize they were doing it on purpose.” Jaci shook her head in understanding. “So, people are waiting for me to open the door so they can just come in here?”

      “Yep.”

      Jaci’s heart beat faster with anxiety.

      “You suddenly look nervous,” Jordan said.

      “I am. Meeting large amounts of people…I don’t know…is intimidating. Especially when I look like this.” She motioned to herself.

      “You won’t be alone. We’ll be here. And we’ll fix you up. You’ll look luscious.” Caroline winked at her.

      Jaci rolled her eyes. “I don’t think I’ve ever looked luscious.” She laughed, and it felt weird to laugh so soon after the events of the past day.

      “You might as well get used to people seeing you au naturelle. We’re one big family here with a lot of brothers and sisters,” Caroline said. “I think I have probably seen every person in this building in their pajamas. Hell, I’ve probably slept with at least half.” She paused. “When I say sleep, I mean sleep…you know that right?”

      Jaci smiled. “Yes. I get it. I want to take a shower. I feel stinky, and I’m dying to wash my hair.”

      “Oh,” Jordan said standing up. “I’m getting a com. I have to take this. I’ll be back ladies,” she said as she slipped out the door.

      “Can you manage the shower on your own?” Caroline asked while helping Jaci to her feet.

      “I think so.”

      Caroline eyed her for a few moments. “Okay. You got anything to change into?”

      “Not really,” Jaci said, walking the last few steps to the bathroom.

      “While you’re in the shower, I’ll find something for you to wear. When you get out we’ll get you in some clean clothes, put some food into you and take it from there. Sound good?”

      Jaci nodded and shuffled to the bathroom. After closing herself in, she turned on the shower and then released the strings at the neck of the paper gown she wore. She was so glad to get out of that crinkly reminder of the sterilization. She wadded it up into a ball and tossed it into the can. Pulling the curtain back, she stepped into the shower and stood with the spray hitting her back. The hot steam felt good. She felt…good? She wouldn’t go that far. But, she was hopeful. She already felt like she had a place where she belonged.

      Maybe she could withstand the loss of her old life.

      The loss of her fertility.

      The loss of her family.

      “Shit.” Bowing her head, she groaned. As soon as she started thinking, she started hurting all over again. The rush of feelings swarmed her, erasing any hope she’d accumulated that day. The longer she stood under the spray, the more she felt like someone ripped her insides out and left a hole there. Stark emptiness swam around inside her. Jaci got down on her knees in the tub and curled herself up in a ball, letting the hot spray sting her back. The waterfall of her dark hair created a dim, wet sanctuary for her face.

      It was true. There was something in the touching and acceptance that eased her. It was the times she was alone when misery attacked, devouring all the emotional progress she’d made. This was all an illusion. She knew nobody cared about her, loved her here. It was impossible. She’d only been in Amber for a day. But she supposed pretending that someone cared for her made life bearable right now. Being connected with other people kept her from collapsing in on herself, from becoming a shell of skin with nothing of value inside. It helped her feel not so alone. It distracted her from suicide.

      She inhaled the hot, wet air wafting around her face and then released a shuddering breath. The shower spray needled her back from the jets hitting the same place for so long. She shifted slightly to relieve the sting. If only it were that easy to dull the other pains.

      In these silent moments, she felt too much, way too much. The emotions were caustic, like acid eating through her heart. She’d do anything to make the hollow loneliness that swam around inside of her subside. Caroline told her she didn’t ever have to be alone in Amber unless she wanted СКАЧАТЬ